Right Where You Left Me | s.r

3.

I lie awake, surrounded by darkness, staring up at the ceiling hoping that maybe, just, maybe I'll be able to sleep.

I sit up in bed rubbing my eyes so hard they might fall out. I check the clock it's 3 AM. I lift the covers off and put on my shoes. I leave my hotel room and go down to the hotel bar.

Thank god for 24/7 hour bars.

After the case Hotch suggested we stay for the night and leave early in the morning. 

I get to the bar and notice that there's no one there. I sit on one of the stools, just for a change of scenery. This is way better than a hotel room.

I'm just so tired of everything. My thoughts keep up at night, the never-ending thoughts. Even the littlest things like if I were to do this differently would the outcome be better? Maybe if I hadn't gone to that stupid party, I'd be able to sleep at night. Guilt is a powerful thing. Too powerful if you ask me.

I feel a hand on my shoulder, I jump at the warmth, turning around to meet Derek, "What are you doing up at 3 in the morning?" He takes a seat next to me.

"I could ask you the same thing?" He gives me a look.

"Can't sleep" I sigh. 

"What's keeping you up?"

"What it isn't" I let out a shaky chuckle.

"Hey, you know you always talk to me" he grabs my hand and places it in his own. "So what's up"

"I don't know what to anymore Derek, everything just sucks so much. You know I've spent my life whole life pretending to be this perfect person for my mother, I look in the mirror and I don't even recognize the person staring back at me"

"What do you want?" He asks me.

"What?" Confused about what he's asking.

"What do you want? Not what your mother wants, but you?

I pause for a moment to think, "I...I don't know, peace, happiness, love maybe"

"So what's stopping you?" He says softly.

"Me. I'm stopping myself, I don't deserve any of it" I clutch the edge of my seat so hard my knuckles turn white.

"Of course you deserve all those things!" I look over at him with a small smile playing on my face, which falters quickly.

"I don't. I've done unspeakable things Derek" a single tear slides down my face.

"I had a brother, twin brother. He was my best friend, we were basically inseparable. But we were polar opposites, he was your typical jock, popular, huge friend group. While I was the quiet girl, who only cared about school and had one friend. He was always going to party's, which I never attended. But one day he begged me to go. So I did. But I really wish hadn't. On our way back from the party a car hit us and we landed in a ditch. My brother died on impact. If I hadn't gone to that stupid party my brother would be alive right now. It's all my fault. Everything is my fault" I let the tears fall continuously.

Morgan brings me into a hug, causing me to sob into his shoulder harder. "I can't do this anymore Derek"

"Hey, hey, it wasn't your fault" he cups my face.

"But it was my fault, don't you get it I was high!" A gut-wrenching sob tore through my chest, everything felt like it was closing in.

"You need to breathe"

"You probably hate me too" I fidget with the ring that used to be my brothers.

"I don't hate you" he reasons.

"Well, you should" I scoff.

"It wasn't your fault y/n"

"Then who's fault was was it then?"

"I...I-" I cut him off. "Exactly" I get off my stool and head back to my hotel room for another sleepless night.

-

Sitting in the furthest seats away from the team, I try to focus on the book in front of me, but it's no use. Instead, I close it and stare out the jet window.

"Y/n?" I look at Emily in acknowledgment.

"Are you okay?"

My eyes flicker to Derek, who's sound asleep, "Yeah I'm fine, just tired"

"Okay well get some rest" If only I could.

-

When we arrive at Quantico, I head over to Penelope's 'bat cave' to say hello. The door was left ajar so I walked in.

"Hello?"

"My love you're here!" She wraps her arms tightly around me.

"I am" I giggle.

"We're going out for drinks, do you wanna come?" She asks.

"I can't P, I have to do something, next time though" I place a kiss on her cheek.

"Fine, but your buying next time" She wiggles her finger in my face.

I leave her office and go out into the bullpen, where Spencer's at his desk packing up some things. His eyes flicker over to me, he's looks like he was about to speak up but ultimately decided not too. I walk up the steps that lead up to Hotch's office. I knock twice.

"Come in," he says.

"Hey Hotch, is it okay if I take 2 days off? I have to deal with a family matter" I ask.

"Yes, of course. Is everything alright?"

"Yeah everything's fine" I give him a tight lipped smile.

"Is that all?"

"Yeah, good night sir"

"Good night Y/L/N"