Redemption

17 - Muster the Courage

Chapter 17 - Muster the Courage

It was the day Jo and Caleb have been anticipating for ages. The day where I finally go to one of their very loved support group meetings that focuses specifically on the grieving process and how to live with loss. I may or may not be going just to shut the both of them up, but deep down, there is a part of me excited to hear other people's experiences and maybe learn something new about dealing with a loss that is out of your control. God knows that I blamed myself for Dad's death.

I was the one administering his pills after Mom could no longer keep track of them all. The alcohol started to pull her under only a couple weeks before his death, letting all of the responsibilities befall upon me. In my teenage years, I would lose hours of sleep just going over the pills I gave him and the vitals I checked, just to see if I missed something or overlooked a mistake that ultimately led to his death. But the morbid truth is, he was going to die anyways, and there's nothing I could have down to prevent it. A realization Caleb has helped me face after I relayed my burden to him, completely breaking down with guilt.

He rubbed my back, whispering in my ear that it was out of my control, that some people have to exit the act so you can begin the next one. To this day, he doesn't know that I applied his comfort words to two different situations.

It's October now. Kids dot the sidewalks with their colorful backpacks and the anticipation for a new school year still lingering settles in, the air is starting to become more crisp in the mornings while the leaves begin to shrivel. A year ago I would have never guessed that I would be here now, an internship with a dream planner and a stable relationship that supports me through everything I do.

My ripped high waisted jeans are a little baggy, exposing my skin that is still dark and kissed from spending the last few days on the beach with Caleb, Clay, and Bonnie. The tan lines from my bikini straps are also visible due to the thin straps of my red crop top, something I wouldn't normally wear but it seems like my wardrobe has made a dramatic change since I'v met Jo and Bonnie. The men barbecued while Bonnie and I shared stories from high school and giggled over embarrassing moments from our freshman year of college. Since Bonnie is closer to Jo in age, I was a little nervous going to Lake Nokomis that first day, thinking that since I was a good nine years younger than Caleb, his good friends wouldn't like me.

I was glad to be proven wrong.

Bonnie and Clay met about ten years ago during college orientation. They were put into the same group for some type of activity, conversation sparking up with ease and leaving them yearning for more. They were married within three years, despite there being a brutal, long-standing friendship that contained stolen glances and ferocious jealousies between the two of them. A big celebration was planned down South by Bonnie's family, even though Clay's would have preferred it to be somewhere in the Midwest. Apparently, their in-laws do not get along very well, and Bonnie has a rocky relationship with Clay's mom in particular. She eagerly presented me pictures from her Big Day, her eyes glistening brightly as she swiped through the photos of her in her simple wedding dress. It was a slender gown with a sweetheart neckline that seemed to dip right in the center. Intricate embroidery flowed into a train with ease and flattered her chocolate skin underneath the setting sun. My jaw was on the floor, appalled by her beauty, which only made her blush and wave me off with her hand.

Not long after that, I had told her I was debating if I should go to the support group or not. Bonnie was really the tipping factor, even if I let Caleb think it was his doing for his ego's purpose.

I like Bonnie. She is different from anyone I have encountered before. Around her is a sense of stillness that comforts me, she always seems very grounded and confident, like she's exactly where she is meant to be. Colorful beads adorn her neck and wrists in layers, jingling loudly anytime she moves. Long skirts with the most funky patterns always cover her brown legs, only exposing them on a windy day. Her brown curly hair is typically up in a tight knot on the top of her head with some type of bright bandana, some loose curls framing her round face. And every morning she rises with the sun, going on a walk or a run to start her day off on an energized foot and completes her workout with yoga. Most of her days are spent meditating in the forest, hiking (as much as that can be done in Minnesota) or painting, but she hasn't been to work in almost four years.