Redemption

18 - For a Reason

TW: Suicide mentioned.

Chapter 18 - For a Reason

Russel and I went over everything I would say when it came to be the time where I introduce myself to the group. Everyone I've seen so far has seemed kind, and I don't necessarily have a fear of public speaking, it's just a little uncomfortable. The years spent working at the restaurant and my newfound employment at Jo's Divine Weddings has helped me gain the confidence to speak without a noticeable tremor in my voice and allows me to plaster a look of calmness on my face.

The thing that makes this public speaking so different is the fact it involves the topic of my father's passing. It's not a memory I like to openly pull to the front of my brain. I barely like to bring it up with Jasmine, the person I go to when I need a shoulder to lean on. This is unusual, but I would bet everyone felt like this their first time here, too. I make a mental note to ask Caleb how he felt his first time speaking here, but I'm still terrified to bring up his wife, just like I don't when people bring up my dad first. It has to be on my terms, my time.

Russel made talking to about my dad less painful when I spoke to him earlier, asking me things like what kind of music Dad listened to in the car and what flavor of cake he preferred on his birthday. It was something I didn't know I needed. It's been too long since the good memories of Dad have been talked about. I guess I've been so caught up in his excruciating final months that I forgot the blissful years leading up to his death.

Dad didn't just become a ghost, all of the memories did too, ones that faded each day. After the funeral, Mom never spoke a word about him again, meaning Isaac and I couldn't either. If we did, she would have a complete meltdown, saying we were trying to torture her and there was no reason to talk about someone who was dead. Saying all of this to Russel was easier than I thought it was going to be, it was such a surprise that the words rolled off my tongue so nicely.

The two of us agreed that I would decide what to share when the moment came. Since I gave Russel plenty of background, he doesn't really feel like it's necessary for me to have to say it all twice in one day. He just wanted people to get the main gist of my story. Apparently, some of the members wouldn't be here tonight, which was pretty normal for a Friday evening. This meeting was more for the people who couldn't make it on the Monday one, mostly because of work commitments or school, but then again, not plenty of people wanted to spend their Friday night at a support group.

Russel ends our conversation with an offering of his hand, one that I shake with a bright smile, feeling way more relaxed already. I can see why Jo has been keeping her eye on him, and it's not because his looks, although he is handsome, but he has a way about him that just lets you open up and feel safe in the space his presence provides. He opens the door for me after, gesturing with his other hand for me to go first.

I smile gratefully as I pass him, entering the room to see no one new has arrived besides Bonnie and Clay. It eases my nerves even more to see the familiar faces. Bonnie waves excitedly when she sees me, her long patterned skirt swaying slightly as she claps jokingly, probably praising me for showing my face. Caleb turns around then, his face holding traces of concern, making me furrow my brows in confusion as I walk across the room to stand beside them at the snack table. Watermelon and sugar cookies lay on black plastic trays with napkins next to them. A big bowl of red fruit punch lays on the other side of the napkins, probably a concoction Bonnie whipped up. I wonder if it's the same kind of fruit punch Bonnie spilt on Caleb when they first met.

"What's wrong?" I ask Caleb as I reach him, reaching out to touch his arm.

"Nothing," he shakes his hand, taking my hand from his arm and enclosing it around his. "Are you okay?"