Unfit to Be the Heroine

A Dagger To My Chest

When we trust people, we give them a knife pointed at us. And I think that is basically the reason why she was so scared. 

"I'm so scared..."

Whenever Nanami starts her conversation like this, I am in awe of someone so courageous. She was so scared but she's still walking in thin sheets of ice that could break anytime and swallow her whole. 

"Here's your coffee", the waiter served. I recognized that it was the same person who greeted me and Hiroshi when we came here. The arrangement changed a little. There was no seat on the side next to the glass windows so we were seated in the middle. I know this will make it more difficult for Nanami to talk. 

"Of what?", I sipped through the coffee. She gave a small smile. "Of falling apart again", she answered. 

Two years ago, I received a phone call in the middle of the night. I'm losing it. It was coming from someone's voice that was trembling. I looked at the phone number and it was unregistered. Although, I heard this voice for ten years. I asked about her whereabouts and she didn't respond for a minute. "I want to find you but if you could, help me do so", I said in an almost whispering voice. I heard her gasp for air and said she'll be walking from the bridge to the train station. I grabbed on my coat and hopped on my bike to meet her there. I left a note to my Mom and Dad. That night, we spend the night in the train station just looking at the railings. 

"Have you been sleeping well?", I looked at her dark-circled eyes. "Somehow", she nodded. "How many hours?", I added. "Three to four hours. I need to wake up early for work", Nanami folded the tissue napkin on her side. I held on to her hand. "You can tell me...like what's making you stay awake at night?", I kept my head bowed low. 

"I'm angered at myself. Because I can't seem to get over whatever is causing this. I don't want to worry you... or even my parents", I could see tears falling on the table. "I know that this is not just about my failed relationship with Kaede. I know this is more than being disappointed in where I am right now because I wasn't able to pass my application abroad. I know this is more than me feeling useless and wanting to be more of help", she gripped on my wrist. I looked into her eyes. "I'm so tired", she leaned her forehead on my hand and kept her head bowed. 

"What you're going through is so tiring, Nanami? How I wish I know how I can help you", I felt my eyes warming up. "You are helping me, Rin-rin. If you could have forced me to talk, I think I will explode in inappropriate places", she gasped for air. 

"There are these days that I really want to deal with the pain because I thought I could increase my pain tolerance just how our body adjusts with the pain when we decide not to take medicines", Nanami explained. "And I feel fulfilled when it works", she nodded and raised her head. 

"Nanami, I always tell you this, and I will not stop doing so. You are stronger than how you think you are. When you look back on those days that you held back ending everything, I wonder how you feel. Do you regret not being able to do it? Or...were you relieved that you didn't do it?", I reached out to her face and cupped it. She chuckled. "You do know what to say... Rin-rin", she wiped her tears. 

"Then, tell me Rin-rin. Are you tired of me?", she asked. 

"Why would I? You're interesting and good source material for my heroine", I let go and drank my coffee. She laughed and I also did. "It's okay if you're scared, if you're angry and if you're tired. You are allowed to feel that. But then Nanami, I want you to know that I also believe you can get over it. If you need me to remind you, I will be happy to do so", I stuffed bread into her mouth. 

I excused myself to buy groceries, she asked if she could stay longer in the cafe. I agreed and entered a nearby supermarket. "Kawamatsu", someone called my name and patted my shoulder. I turned to see Iwami pushing a cart. "Are you here to buy your groceries as well?", he smiled excitingly. I nodded and pushed my cart. "How was your travel in Okinawa?", he followed me. I went to the condiments aisle. "It was a little warmer. Did Yosaku-san told you that you're the next one who will follow up the partnership?", I asked. "Really?! I wasn't informed", he sighed. 

"You like that sauce?", he noticed me holding a bottle of soy sauce. I wonder if I will buy the high bottle or the fat one. "I usually get this because it saves space and it also goes out fast", Iwami suggested. I nodded and chose the long bottle because I agree with what he said. Iwami kept following me and he also made casual checking off some items on the aisle I was at. I looked at his cart and I get the idea that he's almost done. "Iwami, we're going to have a team-building activity this week. Are you joining?", I asked. "Yosaku-san is already having some trouble convincing the rest, I think I will make his work easier", he hummed. I can't think of any more topics to discuss with him. 

"Speaking, did you know, a lady came into the office yesterday. She seemed to be in mid-30's. Do you think Yosaku-san will now have a fortune with women?", Iwami seemed very concerned. I just nodded. "Boss is a well-mannered person depending on whom he is dealing with. I think he can give it a shot", I agreed. 

I already bought the latest manga. I wonder when will the next release be. 

Hey, don't you think it's too realistic? What if she's using her story as a pattern in the manga?

No wonder she uses a pseudonym

"Not really", I said my thoughts aloud. "Hmm?", Iwami tilted his head. "Also, Kawamatsu, would it be okay if I have another dinner with you? I want to make it up the last time", he scratched his nape. "I'll bring a friend. Would that be okay?", I asked. He nodded violently. "If you like, you can also bring your friend", I informed. 

I finished buying groceries and Iwami helped me carry them outside the supermarket. "I'll be meeting my friend", I bowed and we separated ways. 

I went back and saw someone sitting in front of Nanami. Was it a former classmate? I walked inside and saw Saotome. She was wearing a hat so I wasn't able to recognize her. "We met again, Kawamatsu-san", she gave a smile. "We were just talking about Kai", Nanami winked. I sat beside Nanami and dropped the groceries on the floor. "I haven't told you about this when we met last time, Kawamatsu-san. I was just telling my story to Ishikawa-san", Saotome had her head bowed. 

"It is true that I had my insecurities being with Kai. But then, I couldn't also bat my eyes when I slept with Mito that night. I got drunk for the first time. The next few months, I realized I was pregnant. I didn't want to run away from the responsibility and Mito also said he will stand by my side", Saotome narrated. "If that night didn't happen, I wonder if I am still with Kai but then when I look at my baby, those thoughts disappear", Saotome looked at me and smiled. "Saotome", I called her name. I felt my heart beating fast. 

"I know it shouldn't be coming from me but... Hiroshi said you're someone who's not fine being scraped off from his life. I hope that no matter how many years pass, you and him will come into terms", I stood up. She chuckled and nodded. "Thank you, Kawamatsu-san", she held out a handshake. I shook it and watch her walk away. 

I looked at Nanami and she was grinning. "What?", I pouted. "You never told people secrets. I think you just had to do that", Nanami smiled. This time, her face is brighter. Whatever was their topic a while ago, I guess it also lit up her mood. 

"Let's go home", I invited.