Unfit to Be the Heroine

In Her Neighborhood

I cried my eyes out that night. When I came home, Mom was startled to see my puffed eyes. "Are you alright?", she sounded worried. "I'm just fine", I went straight to my bed and covered myself with the blanket. I didn't mind still being in my working clothes. For tonight, I just want to be on my own and cherish everything that happened. 

Oh, Aisawa. She was angered because I kept disappearing. Maybe she was possessive. If she doesn't want to be my friend anymore. There's nothing I can do about it. 

Nanami has the habit of disappearing all of a sudden. Her phone will be shut off. Whenever I call his parents, they said she's just hiking in some random mountains or sleeping over her grandmother's house. There was a dream I had before. It was when we were in high school, I dreamt about a girl who is crossing a bridge. The other side was so dark and lonely. I tried to step on the bridge and it collapsed. When I tried to look for her, she was nowhere to be found. Will it also be like this? If I try to find her, will she totally be lost?

There was looming anxiety in my heart that I kept for years. I was scared of touching the things she wouldn't like to open. I am afraid that if I open the wounds, I won't be able to close them. 

I woke up with the sound of the chatterings outside the house. I received a mail from my editor saying that the signing was already done. He will be transferring the money to my account. I looked at my working desk and saw Nanami's picture with me. If I remember correctly, she said she will be apologizing. Could she be in front of her house now?

I grabbed on my jacket and went down. "You haven't yet changed your clothes!", Mom called for me. I dashed and kept running. I went inside the cab and told him Nanami's neighborhood. While inside the cab, I kept searching for reasons why I wanted to stop her. It's not that I want her to stop apologizing but I want to stop her from hurting herself. I went down and looked around. 

I run around the block and just met some newspaper boys and few people running. "What are you doing here?", I heard an annoying voice. It was Aisawa. "Did Nanami-?", I cut my words when her face turned dark. "I don't have anything to do with her as well", she clicked her tongue. "I don't understand why you feel like this towards her. Can you help me understand?", I bowed very low. "My classmates were right. Nanami had a friend that's too dull and looks insensitive. You don't understand anything at all, right?", Aisawa crossed her arms. "I grew tired, idiot. She made me depend on her just to keep disappearing. She tamed me just to left me unnamed", Aisawa punched the wall. I raised my head and saw her wincing in pain. "Who told you to punch the wall?", I breathed deeply. I had been running since a while ago. "I was her fan", Aisawa confessed. I had a poker face. "Get it. I like her a lot! I idolized her", she gritted her teeth. "Then, why do you sound so angry?", I tilted my head. She started to walk and I followed her. 

"She was always there when I needed her the most. But then, even if she doesn't speak about her pains, I know that every one human feels vulnerable. She would go missing just to come back laughing again. I feel like an idiot hoping that I could somehow payback for all the helps she gave me", Aisawa's face was annoyed the whole time. "You've been with her the longest and I know you understand that", she threw a bottle of canned coffee at me. We sat on the river bank. There are some children playing with their parents. 

"I thought she's just a big fat liar who kept lying to herself. How could she be talking about being there for someone when she doesn't allow people to be there for her as well? She's not a superhuman", Aisawa crumpled the can. This girl is quite violent.  "Then, aren't you going to say anything?", she glared at me. "What do you want me to say?", I gulped. "How is she? Is she still the same?", Aisawa bit her lip. "When she heard that you came back, she was planning to apologize. I knew I shouldn't be meddling with whatever you had before. I don't plan on putting the blame on any of you. She said it herself, it doesn't matter who was wrong", I pulled my legs together. "Will you forgive her?", I looked at the green grass. 

"She doesn't have to do that. If it's forgiveness she's looking for, she's long forgiven. Even if I sounded mad, I never despised her. I think I am madder with myself because I wasn't able to help her. Maybe I was mad because I felt like I wasn't trustworthy enough for her to ask help from me", Aisawa covered her face. "It's shameful, isn't it? When it's our turn to help people and we can't even do something for them, it's shameful", I looked at the sky. 

I heard someone's footsteps and was startled to see her. Her eyes looked terrified so she ran away. I tried to catch up to her. Aisawa's hands grabbed my arm. "I hope I could be the one to help her but if there's one who can, why would I be so prideful to take your place? Please. Please help her", Aisawa stood and bowed very low. "I'll do my best", I tapped my shoes and started running. I know I cannot match her pacing but I want her to know that there is someone who is constantly looking for her. 

I knocked on their house and saw Nanami's mother. "Did Nanami..come...here?", I panted. "No, Oh my. You look tired", she went to the kitchen to get water. "Did something happen? She also looked pale last night", Nao-san, her mother informed. "I will find her, definitely", I drank the water and looked around. 

My phone rang. I answered it. "Are you tardy today? You don't have to come if you're feeling bad", I heard Iwami's voice. "I'm sorry Iwami, I cannot come to work. Please pass me a message to Yosaku--san...", I ended the call. 

Yeay! Today is the last day of class. 

Shall we climb mountains?

Maybe we could also visit the sea!

There are so many things to do!!!

I looked at the high schoolers and they flinched. Was I flustering with such anxiety growing in my chest? There are so many places she could be going. I knelt on the sidewalk and pounded my chest. If I don't look for her, I might not find her. 

"Rin?", someone called my name. I must have run a lot. How did I end here? I looked up and saw Hiroshi Main House. "You look tired and your sandals broke", he informed. Tears formed on the corner of my eyes. "Help me", I gasped for air. That terrified look in her eyes. What does it mean? I want to understand why she's so scared asking for help. Was it something that I caused because I relied too much on her?

Hiroshi carried me in his arms. "Let's go inside first", he said in a gentle voice. 

We entered the living room and the maid served tea and breakfast. I don't have the appetite to eat. "Hiroshi-san, this might be too much but can I borrow any shoes? I need to go after her", I pressed my lips together. "So, are we going to hunt for someone? We need proper clothing for that and also..", he scooped the soup and shove it inside my mouth. "You need to get strong", he nodded. 

After some time, I changed my clothes. Hiroshi borrowed some of her mother's clothes and running shoes. We hopped in the car and he breathed deeply. "Where should we start looking?", he looked at me with an assuring smile. 

"I'm sorry for having you dragged along with this... you have work and-", I coughed. He patted my head. "It's alright. You can also rely on me. Plus, Nanami saved me that time as well", Hiroshi seemed to remember something.