Unfit to Be the Heroine

Melting Ice

A few years ago, Nanami made a friend in high school. I didn't know much of the details but it seemed that they had a big fight. 

I waited for Nanami outside the school gate. She saw me and waved her hands. "You didn't have to come here", she sighed and hugged me tightly. "These kids are killing me", she said while pointing behind. I saw some high schoolers giggling. "Sensei! We already listed all our recommendations for you", they all waved. "Recommendation?", I asked. "They were asking if I could date their brother or cousin...something like that", she sounded tired. I smiled and led the way towards the car. 

She sat on the back. "Oh~ Am I officially going to be your third wheeler?", she face-palmed. "What are you saying?", I panicked. "Don't you like the idea? I think I will be the one who will be the third wheeler", Hiroshi laughed. "You're good at reading things", Nanami nodded. If these two end up together, it seems that they don't even have to say what's on their mind. 

"I heard Aisawa came back. Her mother kept pestering for me to visit her", Nanami opened. I was startled that she could open it so casually. "Aisawa?", Hiroshi hummed. "She's my friend in high school. Some things happened. Maybe I should go and apologize", she removed her blazer. I gripped on my pants. "Why do you have to be the one to apologize?", I tried to stop myself from busting out. "Ah? I was the one who was wrong. Nope. It doesn't matter who was right and wrong", she patted my head. I looked ahead and saw my flustered face in the mirror. 

You easily ask for forgiveness. Then, why can't you forgive yourself?

We ended up at a restaurant. It was near a lake and the lights were flickering. "This is amazing. You are quite a romantic man, Kai", Nanami elbowed Hiroshi who was getting out of the car. The three of us walked towards the garden and decided that we will take our seats there. The pond also had lights decorated on it. "I wonder if there are Kois there", Nanami leaned on her palm. 

What would you like? Ma'am and Sirs?

After giving our orders, Nanami let out a photobook. I recognize the cover. "Don't you dare", I threatened. "Why not? You look cute in every picture", Nanami chuckled. Hiroshi was interested and Nanami started to narrate the stories behind the pictures. "You were friends since you were young", Hiroshi noticed. "Not really. When we were younger, I didn't want to involve myself with someone like Nanami", I honestly said. "Look how we turned out", Nanami winked. 'What do you mean by that?", Hiroshi sounded curious. "I...", I looked at Nanami and she nodded. 

I never told anyone why I don't want to play with her before, not even mom and dad...not even Nanami. 

"She's bright and kind. Everyone in our elementary school liked her. When I was ranked one, they would always say that it should have been Nanami. She is loved by everyone", I opened. Nanami's eyes widened. Was it because she was hearing it for the first time? or was it because she's realizing that she was liked by people?

"Whenever she would come near me, I felt like I was tainting her with my dullness. When our classmates would stare at us, I felt like I'm being hated for being given the attention that should be for them", I sat straight. Nanami rested her hands on the photobook. "What are you saying? Is that the reason why you didn't want us to be at the same middle and high school?", her voice was shaky. "But that was all in the past, I was just immature and I didn't know how to react with someone being interested in someone like me", I smiled at her. "So you had those insecurities before", Hiroshi stared at my eyes for too long. I looked down. 

Nanami laughed and continued telling stories. "Nanami, why did you bring this to school?", I closed it when an embarrassing picture is to come next. "I just want to be reminded", she said with a soft voice. "I need to use the toilet", she excused. 

"Be reminded of what?", I muttered under my breath. "You guys are really close. I didn't have anyone like a close friend that was always with me. My cousin's age gap is difficult for me to consider him as someone I can tag along with all the time. It must have been fun", he sipped in his coffee.

We ate and had some stories about our workplace. I see Hiroshi is being bullied by my Dad at work. Nanami is tired but she sounded like she's at the right place. Hiroshi dropped Nanami in their house and we're on the way to my house. I sat on the passenger's seat again. 

"I didn't expect for her to be caught in a fight with her friend", Hiroshi opened. "It wasn't her fault but that's how she is. Whenever things go wrong, it was as if it was always her fault", I suddenly said my thoughts. "Sorry, I kept spilling things about...", I was stopped when Hiroshi reached on my face. "It's okay. There are matters you can't also tell her, right?", Hiroshi fixed my bangs. "Look at the road", I felt warm on my cheeks.

 "Sometimes, I think she's not aware of how much people love and appreciate her", I bit my lips. "You're both the same", I busted out and felt warm all over my face. "What do you mean?", Hiroshi chuckled. "I can't help but to hope that you will both learn to love yourselves", I covered my face and tears suddenly fell. Hiroshi quietly drove. "How can we... love ourselves?", he stopped for a while and we ended at the side of the bridge. 

There was a time I stood at the ledge... 

What were you thinking when you kept disappearing?

It was as if there's some comfort that I felt...

What are you looking for?

"Sorry for burdening you like this. I wish I could take that away from you but I also don't know-how. To love oneself, what does it mean?", Hiroshi went out of the car and I followed him. We both looked down on the dark river below. "When people jump here, their bones crush", Hiroshi informed. "Have you ever thought-", I cut my words. "I didn't. I was glad I never had that in mind. Though it was quite painful, I didn't want to leave my mother", Hiroshi sighed deeply. "I realized it when I cried in her shoulder, Nanami is the kind of person that you want to keep coming back. I can't describe it properly but... she's like home", Hiroshi explained. "She's a place you want to keep coming back because whatever is the pain, the hurting, and the confusion. It easily goes out from my chest", Hiroshi described it perfectly. 

"Just as how you helped me realized things back in the main house, I know you can also do the same for her. You're such an observant, Rin. For people like us, our visions are too narrow and we cannot see what else is beyond what is surrounding us. Because of that, sometimes, we miss things. But then, you were there. You saw through my longing and my pain. You saw through the reason why I didn't want to be loved by my father because I thought it was unfair", he turned and brushed his fingers through my hair. 

"You have a certain strength that people like me needed", he closed his eyes and smiled. I felt tight on my chest and hugged Hiroshi's torso. It was soft but I heard him call my name. 

"Rin-rin! Can I call you that?"

No one ever called me by my first name because they said I might not like it. But when I am called by my name, I feel like I exist as well. I feel like I'm not just another background character. I burrowed my face in his chest and cried aloud. I heard footsteps behind us but I didn't mind. Does being appreciated feels this good? Does being recognize feels this comforting? But more of it, I am glad that someone is telling me what to do.

You're intelligent. You can figure it out on your own.