The Change Within

㉗I Feel It Now

 
A heavy, dolorous aura surrounded the four boys as they stood still, their tears now dried out on their cheeks, their heads lowered in despondency.

“Okay.” Hoseok cleared his throat as he took a look around the room, his heart twisting more and more by his friends’ torn apart faces. “What do you want to do? Someone, anyone, talk.”

“I want to drink,” Jeongguk announced as he dragged his feet closer to his beers, but the violet-haired boy clutched his forearm as he passed by him.

“I want... to talk.”

Jeongguk noticed Taehyung's lower lip trembling a tad, as if he would erupt in another round of tears at any second. “Okay. But if you cry again, I’ll throw you out.”

Taehyung truly wanted to unleash everything he was feeling with countless tears, but he choked them back with a chest-swelling breath. “Okay.”

“Yoon, come on.” Hoseok slipped an arm around Yoongi's waist and led him out of the room.

Taehyung heaved a stuttering sigh as he took in the shattered beer bottles scattered all over the floor and walked around them to sit on the edge of the bed.

“I’ll clean it up after our talk,” Jeongguk whispered as he mirrored his actions, sitting next to him.

“Were you really gonna drink three six-packs of beer?”

“Well, yeah. It’s a special night.”

“Meaning?”

“It’s a night without you in the house.”

“So you were planning to celebrate or something? Makes sense.”

Jeongguk let a mild puff fall from his lips as he stared at his hands. “I wasn’t gonna celebrate. I’m sad.”

His whispering words rendered the older in a daze as his eyes swelled with surprise, and he slowly twisted his head to glimpse at him. “What?”

“I’m sad, Taehyung. I’m hurt. I’m angry. I feel so fucking guilty. I’m a ruined guy who makes those around him miserable. I’m just a fucking burden that only hurts people. And you have no idea how much I hate myself for all that. I hate me. I hate myself so much.”

“What the hell are you saying? You’re not—“

“I’m not saying all this just for you to say otherwise. I don’t want you to comfort me or change my mind. I know what I am. And I know I’m right. There’s nothing you can say that will change my mind because I know me.”

“J-Jeongguk,” he rasped as his breathing sped up, tears stinging his eyes all over again. “How—How am I supposed to not cry w-when you s-say these t-things ab-about yourself?”

“Why would you cry because of that?”

“Because t-that’s not you, that’s not who y-you are. Life made you harsh, life messed you up, and whoever doesn’t understand that, doesn’t have a place in your life. You’re not a burden because of that. You’re strong. You’re still here, fighting to do better and be happy despite what you’re going through, and that’s truly amazing. Please don’t hate yourself for that. Don’t hate yourself for anything.”

“You think I’m strong?” Jeongguk scoffed through his tears, suppressing a sudden sob that crawled up his throat. “I’m a fucking coward who hides his feelings. I’m scared that if I get hurt one more time, I’m gonna fucking break down completely, and I choose to hurt others before they hurt me because of that. Maybe life made me this way, but I choose to live this way.”

“Yes, you choose to live this way, but you can also change it. It’s not too late to change.”

“I—I can’t. I’m too far gone.” Jeongguk wiped his wet cheeks as his breathing became uneven and stifled with the suffocating sobs that emitted from his mouth.