A collection of short stories. Rants, interesting facts, made up stories from the dark recesses of my brain and those who have dared to throw some of their own ideas at me from a suitable 2 meter distance.
*some profanity and violence, but nothing r...
It seems that despite the incredibly boring title, you've dutifully come to read this chapter, like the good little human being you are.
Anyway, the truth is, this chapter isn't about boring stuff. If you actually wanted to know about those things, I'm sorry. This chapter's actually about dolphins, you see.
Yes! Dolphins! Murderous bastards with fire for eyes and machine guns for flippers!
Anyway, once upon a time, in a land that's sort of far away if you think about it, there was something called the International Space Station. For those of you looking confused, the ISS is in space. It's international. Space pilots (right now I can't remember the proper name) come and do stuff there. Space stuff. Sciency stuff. Brainy stuff. Experiments, like throwing rocks to test gravity levels or measuring the density of mercury in moon rock or seeing how fast they can eat a block of cheese. It gets lonely up there.
OK. So, we have the Space Station. And on Earth, we have all sorts. Alpacas. Sleep. Unicycles. Microwaves. Sweden. Wheelbarrows. KitKat. Essential stuff, all of it. Where would we be without alpacas? No more, um.... Wool. A loss of wool. Sleep, no need to explain. Unicycles. A world of fun! Without it? A world of pain and suffering! Microwaves. Essential! Important! Sweden. IKEA. We need IKEA. A day trip around hundreds of sofas and tables and mini dining rooms. And the meatballs. What conversation you can have with them. Mention IKEA once in a conversation and everyone will get involved. Speaking of which do you know what IKEA stands for? Ian, Kevin, Eric and Andrew, after the guys who built it. Wigglesworth and Barnabus also built it, but IKEAWB just isn't as catchy. You know?
Wheelbarrows! Oh joy of joys! Picking out your wheelbarrow and taking it home! Making careful selection and adopting a formally abased wheelbarrow! Loving your wheelbarrow and burying it when it finally dies, and stockpiling pictures upon pictures of the wheelbarrow, documenting its entire life in black and white and colour, and eventually hologram. KitKat! Lovely. Have a break have a KitKat. Ah.
Anyway. We have Earth, we have the moon (which is actually called Luna*, but we call it the moon because we've only got one and everyone knows which one we're talking about) and we have the space station. And on Earth... Dolphins.
*it should be called Moonius McMoonface or Lord Voldemort since we're doing Harry Potter names
Dolphins are evil. You've heard it once, you've heard it twice, you've had your ears go temporarily deaf as a result of having it shouted from a rooftop. Dolphins. Murderous little bastards. Scheming and plotting and trying to take over the world.
A pod of dolphins- that's their collective name, but I prefer an assassination of dolphins, an explosion of hedgehogs, you know, fun names- once plotted to take over the world by capturing the space station. They planned to steal a rocket, go up to the space station, hold it hostage for money, and then buy nuclear weapons and shoot it at the moon, for fun. Or practise. I don't know. The only reason I actually got this far is because I snuck into their camp, posing as a dolphin. I'm far too good to you. I could have been killed. Or worse, shut into a closet. I've been shut into quite a few closets in my time and none of them were very fun.
¡Ay! Esta imagen no sigue nuestras pautas de contenido. Para continuar la publicación, intente quitarla o subir otra.
¡Ay! Esta imagen no sigue nuestras pautas de contenido. Para continuar la publicación, intente quitarla o subir otra.
Anyway. Back to the subject. Stop derailing and getting sidetracked. Honestly.
The dolphins went to purchase a rocket from BigExplodeyThingsRUS, and once they'd done so- using all their life savings in the process- they went to the rocket, related they couldn't open doors with flippers, and therefore couldn't get in the rocket. The world was saved.
Then, being a dutiful narrator, I opened the door for them.
Anyway, the dolphins flew up in the rocket. They boarded the space station. I followed along behind. There followed a truly epic battle- fire and machine guns and the occasional flipperflap of bullets hitting a dolphin- but when the smoke cleared (there needs to be smoke for a battle), the dolphins stood- flapped- lay on the floor in a hazy sense of victory.
The dolphins had won.
Now, after such a battle, they were tired. Who wouldn't be. And dolphins, like humans, also need to evacuate their bowels. The tortoise was getting curious. The trains were queuing up at the station. The waterbutt was filling up. The rain clouds were gathering. Whatever your preferred choice of phrase, they needed to take a dump.
Still not getting it? *sigh* they. Needed. To. Take. A. Shit.
This is where it all started to go wrong.
One of the dolphins- Jerry- or was it Steve? Sam? Bucky? I can't remember- picked up his book (Avengers, go and cause some property damage, won the Carnegie, several Oscars and the sequels, Avengers, get the hell off my land, and finally Avengers: imprisoned for property damage) and tucked it under his arm, before walking- flibbering- rolling- I give up, the new word for the movement of killer dolphins on land is higgljiggling- before higgljiggling off to the nearest door, to take a well-earned dump. Unfortunately, Steve the dolphin opened the wrong door, and was sucked instantly into the vacuum of space.
Now, since a vacuum works like a, well, a vacuum cleaner- the rest of the dolphins got sucked out too, as did the equipment, the fridge, and pretty much everything.
Of course, everything was saved! Everyone, despite the fact that I hate most of you and have the opinion that quite a few of you don't need saving, was saved. Stuff could go on as planned. The astronauts (I remembered!) returned to Earth, with... uh.... me.
Unfortunately, most of the space station seemed to believe I was for the dolphins, which is, of course, ridiculous. I was imprisoned, before being released on bail. I also have a restraining order now. Yippee.
