Into The Hills

Chapter 13

Stefan's POV

Why would she ask me that? Ask me to let her in, open up to her, like she wanted to know the shitty details on my life? They don't matter, all the pain and the problems I have, she doesn't need to know about. I look at Elena like she is a beautiful sunshine, always doing what she can for the community, her son, even her husband, whom she claims she doesn't know what they are anymore, she's so full of light, and beautiful, and I constantly feel like I take away from the light, like I'm suffocating her slowly. And I don't want that, she's too good for me, I'm not stupid.

I wonder why she bothers with me, when I can't even open up to her about my past, I could tell she was mad at dinner but I didn't want to say anything, cause a scene in front of Tom. Well, she got snippy with me when we were making out, and then soon she was touching my face and telling me to let her in.

Let her in? Let her into the guilt and unbearable pain from my past, the fact that I killed but not intentionally my best friend, the fact that my brother and I haven't talked in 5 years and we were doing fine, and I ruined that, how I was never going to be good enough for anyone in my family, I'm so filled with rage and unhidden sadness, I know she sees it in my eyes. Her mouth always turns up into a slight smile, when she knows I'm sad, and that's usually when she caresses my cheek with her soft hand, and I close my eyes, taking the little bit of energy I need from her.

When she asked me what we're doing here, I answered truthfully, I don't know.

I don't know what she wants from me, but I know that she makes my shitty life a bit better every time I see her, and speak to her, I know she's beautiful and smart and funny and sexy as hell, and I admire her, admire her for being so strong in this fucked up world. But I know she's not strong enough to handle what I've been through, there's too much sorrow, she'll run away, I know she will. That's why I want to keep it to myself, hide it, not feel it, and enjoy my time with her while I can.

She's not yours, I remind myself again.

I look over at the roof, down at the city lights, trying to clear my head, suddenly I hear the door open.

She found me.

"Hey Stefan." She says, her hand finds a place on my back, and I close my eyes, gripping the bar with my fingers, that I'm holding onto.

If I jumped.. she wouldn't be able to catch me.

I don't look at her, scared I'll break down, or say something stupid that will send her running away from me again.

"I'm sorry." She says rising her voice again before the hollowing wind takes it away, the wind chills me to the bone, the hoodie I'm wearing barely contains the warmth in my body.

Sorry? Sorry for what? None of this was her fault.

"It's not your fault." I say, turning to look deep into her eyes, her mouth is trembling a little bit, and it makes me feel worse for treating her like this.

"I shouldn't of pushed you." She whispers, her hand not leaving my back, as I just stare at her.

No, Elena, this is all my fault, why don't you go?

"I shouldn't of acted like that, Elena... I'm stupid." I say, looking at her, but she shakes her head.

"You're not... you're.." She trails off for a second and I watch her, trying to think of words to call me that won't hurt my feelings, at this point, I didn't care about my feelings, I'm a mess.

Say I'm a mess.

"So.. damaged." She finally gets out, and I freeze, my insides turning cold at those words.