Into The Hills

Chapter 24

Stefan's POV

"So this is over? You feel nothing?" She asks me and I stare into her brown eyes, their filled with tears, and it's making my heart break one piece at a time. I feel guilt, guilt for what I did to her last night, I pretended not to see the bruises on her body when she was putting her clothes back on. yes, I was a coward and yes I deserved that hard slap in the face, and much more but I was also way too messed up to be with her right now, my anxiety was through the roof the past couple of days, I so used to being on my own, I almost didn't know how to respond to people helping me. I was having nightmares. I couldn't let her be around that. Yes, I was pissed she lied to me, it may of been for a good reason, and yes I was thankful I was out of jail for now but I let her in and she lies to me. I clench my fists by my side.

And Damon?

He was in for a surprise when he got home, I'm sure he told her to lie, I couldn't think of one reason why she would keep it a secret other then the fact that Damon and I were on good terms and he didn't want to ruin that by her telling me the truth.

That bastard. Well he is losing me.

I just need to get out of here, get back to my loft, clear my head. I didn't need anyone right now.

I feel my heart in pain as I think about how Damon and I patched things up and now we're back to square one, how I lost Elena because of it. But then I remind myself she was never really mine to begin with and letting her go is easier then dealing with all that pain.

I grab my belongings.

I shake my head running a hand through my tousled hair. I guess this is how things are supposed to be, don't let people in because they break you. It's funny how the two people I love most in this world let me down.

I guess that's life. I grab the rest of my belongings from the nightstand and walk out of the basement, up the stairs. I'm not surprised when I see Bonnie and Damon on the couch watching TV, their dressed in fancy clothes and must have went out. Damon's blue eyes raise up to meet mine, I see their curious as to why I have my stuff in my hand.

I ignore him and start walking, knowing if I talk to him it won't end good. But I hear him raise up and follow me, my back turned to him.

"Stef, hey, where you going?" He asks, and I imagine his dark eyebrows knitted in confusion.

I feel his hand on my back when I don't turn around and something inside of me sets off, I grit my teeth, slowly turning around to face him.

He looks at me, and stands back a little, noticing my expression, his face falls.

"Yeah, I figured it out so wipe your expression of your face." I say, chuckling dryly.

"Stefan, I'm.." He starts to say but I cut him off with an icy glare.

"Sorry that you got caught or sorry that I found out?" I ask, and he stays silent, swallowing the lump in his throat.

"You know Damon you really had me fooled, I thought you were good, good people don't lie to their brothers. And you know how you were scared to lose me? Well, guess what? You did, forever this time. Don't look for me, I don't need you in my life." I say, and he takes in each word, a frown forming on his face.

"Stefan please just-." He starts to say but I raise my fist to his face, in a fast punch, I watch as his body falls to the ground and even that isn't enough to curb the anger and pain I feel inside.

Bonnie rushes over to him and I walk out the door before he can get another word in.

I walk home in the dark, as I grab a cigarette from my back pocket, putting it between my teeth, I fumble from a lighter in my pocket and light it up, feeling relief flood through my body at the simple inhale.

I don't need them, I don't need anyone. I just need my drugs, I have to get back to my drugs..

I get back to the loft to find the place ransacked, papers scattered every where, tables turned, empty. I sigh deeply the fucking police must have been here, I roll my eyes and walk to my room, surprised that it's all been untouched.

That must of been when they bailed me out, they had no reason to search. I pick up my blue pillow case and pull out the stash of weed. I search through my drawers, growling in frustration when I can't find papers to roll it in.

I see an empty beer can from two weeks ago on my dresser and pick it up, finding a pair of scissors, I poke a hole in the can and set weed on it, lighting it up, I inhale the top and hold it on, allowing it to wash my worries away.

Man, I can't believe I let myself feel that pain again, and now it's consuming me all over again and now I just wanted to smoke and never feel again.

The pain is unbearable as I take another deep hit, when I close my eyes I see black masks, I feel the pain in my stomach as they punch me, demanding I break.

I grab the side of the table with my hands, imagining my bleeding body on the ground as they kick the shit out of me, my heartbeat gets higher as I close my eyes, wanting to get out of this anxiety attack.

My hands shake slightly as let go of the table, my heart still racing against my chest.

Fuck, I was messed up.

I try to lay down and watch a movie but my hazy mind drifts back to Elena and at that point I just want to yell and throw things.

And Damon? Shit would never be the same. He lost me. And I don't even feel guilty what did he expect?

The pain slowly disappears as find the beer can bong on the table, and grab it with shaky fingers, I take another hit, and lean back, exhaling, while I close my eyes, the couch feels nice against my head, and I feel myself smiling for the first time today, I know the smile was vain and it wasn't how I really felt inside, but I can't help but feel a good high erupt within me, I open my eyes with my hazy view and look around the room.

I didn't need a girlfriend, a brother, not even a family, here, with my drugs is where I belong, rotting away, in my imaginary world, where not even an ounce of pain could touch me. In my loneliness where I find strength to live out another day.

But I knew i was fooling myself. I would fall asleep later and dream of those savage bastards beating me to a bloody pulp as they demand me to stop selling, it would be dark and rainy and they wouldn't stop as I lay on the cold hard ground, their blows making my body hurt. And then suddenly, they would stop, and I'd be shaking from the cold and the pain and then she would be there, Elena, most likely dressed in white to signify her purity unlike me. And she would grab my face in her soft hands, and I could feel my heart racing, I can't even look at her I'm too ashamed, too ashamed I hurt her and left her with no one and she would beg me to forgive her, even look her in the eye but I couldn't my eyes would stay on the ground as I watch the rain wash away my blood on the ground and she would tug at my face and scream and yell, and say I don't understand help me understand and my heart will hurt in pain while I ignore her, tell her to go away. And eventually she will but then my mind will drift back to Damon, his blue eyes searching mine as he begs for my forgiveness, his lips will tremble but he won't move towards me, probably scared of my reaction. But, I won't punch him like I did earlier, because it won't give me any release.

I would just shake slightly, feeling the blood run down my face until, I feel myself get dizzy and slowly fade away, watching Damon and Elena's faces wane away with my dream and I would wake up in a cold sweat, my hands shaking as I look down and realize my nails have dug into my skin again, leaving a red mark.

I didn't want to sleep tonight, not tonight, I couldn't take the pain that comes with this dream right now, I need to get away, I need something stronger, hastily, I dig through my stash until I find some cocaine, I take the powder out and lay it across the table, ready to snort it and forget.

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