Into The Hills

Chapter 31

I run my fingers through my hair, catching my breath, that dream felt so real, and now it was just a delusion. I sigh deeply, as I watch Stefan come out of the bathroom, his hair wet, and his green eyes watch me, as I lay down on the bed, I look at him, he looks refreshed but still tired, he's dressed in a grey sweater and grey sweatpants. His cheeks are flushed as he sits down on the bed next to me, his expression is unreadable and I suddenly feel sick to my stomach for dreaming about him like this, it was clear to me it he was still as messed up as I, I wonder what he was doing here, if it was his choice to finally get his life back together? I wonder if he had sleepless nights like me, nights he tugged his hair, and layed in bed restless, hoping that tomorrow would be better? I wonder if he cried, and wanted to scream, and if he sat through the progress group meetings with no hope of recovery?

I hear him clear his throat, and I sit up, leaning back against the wooden head board.

I don't look at him, scared to watch his pink lips ask the dying question we're both wondering.

What are we doing here?

We sit in silence for what seems for an eternity and then I hear his quiet voice begin to speak.

"So, what are you doing here?" He asks, and I cringe at the question, even though I knew it was coming.

I take a deep breath, thinking of ways to filter the words that were going to eventually come out of my mouth, Stefan stares at me with his patient green eyes, his face relaxed, waiting for me to get it out.

"Well, it started.. the night I left, actually, Matt.. he was closing the investigation and he found your wallet in the evidence locker, I guess they didn't give it back to you, or you forgot to grab it.. but.. the picture was in there. You know the one you wanted to keep in your wallet, to always think of me?

I ask him, staring into his green eyes, he blinks twice, as if he's reliving in old memory, because I see a hint of a smile on his face, and it makes me feel warm inside, but as it fades, I find my stomach drop, as I lean my head against the headboard a little, closing my eyes, I can barely look at him, because everything is still so broken, and I don't know where I stand with him, anymore.

"Anyways.. he found that." I say in a quiet voice, as I feel tears make an appearance in my brown eyes, but I keep them squeezed tight, not wanting him to touch me, or even see that I'm crying slowly behind my eyelids.

"And then what happened?" I hear his gentle voice break my thoughts, as goosebumps go onto my arms. And I can just imagine his face twisted into confusion, and his green eyes watching me with concern.

"He gave me a choice..." I start to say, as I feel the tears flow slowly down my cheeks, I hear Stefan's short breath, but I don't meet his eyes, keeping my eyes shut.

"He said.. rehab or pack all your stuff and leave, and the worst part is.. I didn't even consider rehab at first, and then I saw my son, standing at the doorway, his face full of hurt and confusion, and through my t-ears." I choke back a sob, but Stefan doesn't go to comfort me and I'm grateful for that, right now.

"I decided that, this is where I'm going, to rehab, but I don't feel better, Stefan. I feel.. broken, like I can't be fixed, and then.. when I saw you this morning, I can't explain it.. I felt something, something that I hadn't felt in a long time, I felt hope." I say quietly, as I finally open my eyes to look at him, my breath leaves my throat as I see him sitting there, he's crying too, tears falling down his green eyes, and for a second I've think I've upset him, and I feel guilty, but as he grabs my face gently, with his rough hands, and forces me to look at him, my eyes meet his, and he gently brushes my tears with his rough thumb. I close my eyes but he tilts my head up. My hands find his wrists and hold them, as we look at each other.