Toph & Zuko's Life Changing Field Trip

pt. 5 | Toph

On occasion, Toph would decide it was time to mope. It was always a spontaneous decision followed by her unexplained disappearance. Alone and in a quiet place, she'd let herself sit helplessly in an ocean of self-pity. It was an affective remedy and usually she was back to herself by the next day. She'd discovered that this day of wallowing was essential in the up-keep of the zero-fucks attitude that she'd become known for. There were a couple of important steps that had to be done to make sure it was a successful moping. First was being alone and unbothered, and the second was that it had to be kept secret always. Especially from Katara because she would want to talk about it and that ruined the effect. Toph wanted to deal with things on her own.

When she woke up the morning after her visit to Sokka, she knew it was going to be one of those days. A steady, cold drizzle greeted her in the morning as well as a leak that was dripping onto her comforter in an annoying rhythm. She had tried to have the leak fixed before but the landlord was impossible to get a hold of. Also, he had a strict rule against earthbending any part of the apartment and Toph knew he'd hold her deposit hostage if he suspected anything. So, she groaned and kicked the wet blanket onto the floor and ignored the leak.

She knew no one was going to come and find her today and she wouldn't have to do any disappearing, so instead she dragged the living room floor cushion into the kitchen by the little metal stove and made a nest of dry blankets. Then she was ready for the moping to start.

First, she moped about what a jerk Sokka had been when she was only trying to help. He constantly convinced himself that he was completely right about everything and he didn't need anyone or anything at all. She kicked at the wall and grumbled to herself. Then she went a layer deeper and moped about how bad she sucked at expressing emotions. 

It was always one of her weaknesses, but after Lin was born it was like she'd forgotten anything she'd ever known and had to start from scratch. Looking down at that tiny wrinkled baby and realizing she wasn't only responsible for herself anymore caused a deep panic to settle in. That panic had yet to leave. She loved having a little friend to share the world with. She loved wondering who she'd be someday – how many traits she'd steal from Toph and how many ways she'd surprise her and be her own person. She loved that little baby so much it hurt, more than anything else she'd ever loved in her life. Suddenly, it was all for her. Toph's stubbornness, her determination, her dreams and career goals all shifted toward giving Lin everything.

But how could she possibly tell her that? How could she ever express the all-consuming love she had for the sweet, fierce toddler who had stolen her heart? Ever since Lin was born she found herself stumbling over everything. The hugs she'd gotten used to, the openness she'd had with her friends, it was impossible now and she didn't know why. She knew they'd noticed, too. Especially Sokka. Somehow she managed to fuck up just being there for him after Suki died. She wanted to apologize but she couldn't figure out how, so she hid from it and from there it snowballed into the mess she was in now.

Sinking further into her nest of blankets, as if to hide from anyone who may be listening to her thoughts, she let herself mope about something even more secret.

Sokka. She loved him; he didn't love her. Over time, she'd come to terms with that. It definitely didn't sting as bad as when she was a jealous, emotional teenager. But there were a few times when it still hit her like that deep down in the part of her heart that was still 12 and smitten. The last had been when Sokka and Suki had finished their cottage and invited everyone over to see. When Toph had reached the top of the hill and taken in the beautiful little house Sokka had built, her heart twisted around in her chest in such a painful way it had caught her off guard. The lengths that Sokka had gone to to make his love happy were fairytale-like. It reminded her how special he was. How few people there were like him in the world.

She remembered when, at some dumb party, she'd stupidly believed Ty Lee's rumor that Suki and Sokka had split up. Toph, drunk and hopeful, kissed him, only to be gently pushed away and told that his heart would always belong to Suki. That was the most mangled her heart had ever been, and the last time she would let herself believe in a future with Sokka. If she couldn't have Sokka, she'd just have to find someone who made her feel the way he did. He made her laugh, he always made her feel safe, and he didn't treat her differently because of her blindness. That was the list she kept in her head, and so far, no one had met all three.

Except Kanto. Toph leaned her head back against the wall and heaved a deep, tired sigh. Kanto, the charming martial arts teacher from the earhtbending academy she'd just been fired from. Quick-witted, confident, and unpredictable, he hit every point on that list and more. And he didn't remind her of Sokka at all. He was his own person, her own love that she'd found all on her own. Kanto swept her up until a secret whirlwind romance, always surprised her, always treating her as his equal. 

Those were golden, blissful days. Toph had even found herself daydreaming of marriage. And then, she'd gotten pregnant. She was thrilled, though it was earlier than she'd hoped, but if had unleashed a side of Kanto she hadn't known before. He was furious and claimed that she had somehow done it on purpose to ruin his career because she'd always been jealous. The unpredictable quality she'd loved before was terrifying now. She had never suspected this lurking inside him. Before she could even make a plan, he had left the headmaster a note revealing their forbidden relationship and toph's pregnancy, and then he disappeared without a trace. Toph never knew where he went, and she didn't care. She was grateful he left her alone.

The headmaster chose not to believe the slander that Kanto had written about Toph in his letter, but he couldn't allow Lin to live with her on campus. So, after a few months with Lin, toph sent her to stay with Katara. She couldn't lose this job now, she needed it for Lin. She needed to succeed.

Now she was back to missing Lin. Toph wasn't sure what she'd do now, but whatever it ended up being, she wanted her baby to be with her. Toph curled up on the cushion and pulled the blankets around herself. Never once had she allowed herself to be bitter about Sokka and Suki's marriage. And never, ever, had Toph considered replacing Suki or trying to win Sokka's heart now that she was gone. But in times like these, she missed their old friendships. Before marriage and jobs and babies had muddled up the innocent, platonic love they'd all had for each other. She wanted to go back to sitting in Sokka's lap while Katara held her hand and listened to her woes, and Aang braided her hair. More than that, though. She wanted Sokka to realize that maybe he didn't need anyone, but she needed him.