Jealous - D.M.

Chapter 28

He smiled at me. The smile he bared meant to cause my worry to ease but it did the exact opposite.

His pearly white teeth transformed into sharp pointed fangs. His grey eyes turned red. The hand stroking my face grew long nails that drew blood across my cheeks. 

Then this illusion disappeared. Of course it wasn't real. The vision was only showing how scared I was of him. Not of him hurting me physically but emotionally. 

I love him. 

He could hardly even get the words out that he merely cared about me.

Why him?

Why did I have to love him?

I've practically isolated myself from everyone. Harry. Ron. Mione. Even my own sister.

Now? All I'm left with is a boy who can't even tell me he loves me.

But he cares for me. He said it himself this morning.

Draco Malfoy cares about me. A smile spread across my face. A laugh escaped my mouth. My jaw began to shoot sharp pains but I didn't care because he was mine.

Draco Malfoy was mine and only mine.

But was he? After all this time would he finally, finally choose me?

After Cedric I thought love was pointless. I thought that Cedric was the only guy who could ever make me feel again. I loved him, so much.

He didn't return it of course but he did for a time. Yes, he did end up leaving but doesn't everyone?

I missed his smile, the smell of his hair, his kindness, but maybe it was all fake. He did it just for his own personal gain. I cried for months after he left.

When he left all I felt was sadness.

My first heartbreak resulted in nausea so bad that I ate virtually nothing for two weeks. Everything felt out of body and out of my control, and I constantly texting him asking questions because I just couldn't understand what went wrong.It's almost like the death of someone you love. You even experience the stages of grief, like anger and bargaining. Every part of you wants them back in your life, but they aren't coming back and it's out of your control.

Remember the butterflies when you thought you were in love? They get replaced by this hard lump of ice that nearly shatters your soul. It hurts. But sometimes, that's what it takes.

Its an overwhelming loss, in which you don't know how to fix. You'll feel sick, you'll feel lost and there's nothing you can really do to make it better. It stays with you until one day you realize that you don't think of them anymore and you have moved on.

Imagine something you crave immensely. Something you are hopelessly addicted to, and you couldn't imagine life without it. And then being forced to quit it cold turkey unexpectedly.

It feels like all of the hope and happiness have been sucked out of the world. A future is stolen, and in its place is left a desolate expanse of seemingly endless grey. Nothing is interesting or engaging. The loss is all encompassing. Then, time passes and the expanse shrinks down. The grey gives way to peeks of color and light. Laughter creeps back in. And soon enough the heart pulls itself back together.

Your heart feels like it gets a pound heavier, and it hurts so much until it feels like you just want to rip the organ out of your chest and be rid of it.

Your eyes get wet, and they seem heavy too like you want to give into the tide of anguish and sadness. Your eyes want to close, but you can't close them for fear of losing the time.

Then, little by little, the rest of your body gains weight. You're so heavy that you can't move. You can only stare at the ceiling with its plain white blankness and reflect. The eyes glaze over until it's all just a blur.

The world seems clear for the first time. Suddenly you see all the bad things you didn't see before when it was all sunshine and roses. You notice the cruelty of children and the dead squirrels on the side of the road. You notice the anger and resentment in the world. You see how much pain we are all in.

The thing is, it's a forever kind of feeling. You don't know when it will be lifted. You don't know if it will ever go away. You almost don't want the pain to go away, but at the same time, that's all you yearn for.

Quite simply, it sucks.

But life goes on right? You learn to be ok. No not ok but you learn to live without them. You still see them every night in your dreams but it hurts a little less after awhile.

Something inside breaks. It isn't a crash, it isn't thunder, its the whisper before the wind, the crackle before the ice shatters. Its soft and subtle and terrible. But the light doesn't fade, nor do the colours wash out. Everything is still there, but you aren't. After that whisper you are less than you were, you can still see and think, but you know something is gone, something vital, something as essential as air or light, something you didn't know you needed, and something you feel like you will never know again.

Why would I put myself through that again? Why would I allow my happiness to be wrenched away from me.

Thats just the first part of him leaving. Then everything in your stomach just turned to concrete and your motivation to do even the simplest task, like eat, or take a shower, just vanished.

You don't want to be alive. You want to shrink away into nothing. As if you never existed, as if you and him never even happened. But it did. You did. You are still alive. Still breathing. Still moving. And sadly still feeling.

Everything.

So you try and numb the pain. 

You drink. You smoke. You do whatever it takes to numb yourself until you don't even know you're a person at all.

He was my downfall.

Maybe. Just maybe. Draco can save me.

But damn it, maybe we'll burn each other both down trying.