Star Jealousy.

part 1: the mysterious dreamer

IT WAS'NT ALL THE SAME.

its hurtful the way im trying to describe it, is it much delusional?

i was scared to get close to anyone.. fearing that hes gonna screw me up later, but at least, im not in a group of idiots.

My First Nickname was "VanessAIDS" bullied much?

i grew up with a bad childhood, the way i thought so..

well, lets say, me as a child, I enjoyed the nature i lived in, how spectacular it felt,

doors of heaven were opened in my eyes for free, No insecurity, No Stress.

it was a surprising life given, lovely memories, as happy as a clam they said, why cant i remember any?
and if i was able to see the flashbacks following would i miss any or get attached to some, at least? im trying to act normal.

my life didn't stop when i reached a bad level, i stood to think about the views they played.

play. and repeat. it was unacceptable to me watching horror real movies. watching wars, the scenes of all kinds of wars, every night its the time to those wars to dress my eyes with a black cloth, just like its going to take care of me, its making sure i'm ready to fear stuff coming.

and when i say i need stuff to be fixed, they were always somewhere.

SCREAMING AND NO ONE CAN HEAR? WHO CARES? BECAUSE EVERYONE IS TRYING TO LIVE SELFISHLY. DOESN'T HELP. and i'm here proving that we need to come and think about it.

would you even like to wonder about it, child? just close your eyes and sleep peacefully.

nothing is worth trying to do out of energy, but being  smart is everything, u got the right to choose! and that i had no choice... i defined the question even more

Your satisfaction, or Your smartness?

they used to get out of the house and leave me with my papers and books .even if i felt left off and i didn't understand why do i seem like a cute psycho in this world going places where i don't belong to for them, everything needed time,  and there was that one book,my fav, by creating it with my imagination skills, i spent all my time with that.

art was the book of my story with every page.
my book is burned now, its full of black ink.
crying out for my emotions... till mum came to hold me in her arms.. to tell me "it's okay",
we got you wrong again. i didn't get exactly what i asked for.....

all kinds of wars? here's one between the ink and that book that is just past now. is it shameful to look back to it? To look back to it in anger?
because i miss the person that i need people to tell me about again.  it had everything, the ones i noted before i stopped remembering stuff back in time....

and that's how I started my life as miserable as the dark ink. waiting for a new inspirational thinking.
didn't ever complete a moment without waiting for the time i get a solution from a new thinking. A new medication to my heart.
as they left somewhere, they called me crazy, because yeah.. so my mind was somewhere too.
come to fantasize ~

tv shows improved, happiness didnt exist only with tv and boredom, i forgot that im supposed to throw that tv away from my room's window. so useless.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

" Judgement was everybody's fear. "
And judgement won On us.
On an one battle of judgement,
judgement hit us like a belt full of throns.
woke up hesitated shaking from a terrible nightmare that showed me how reality truly is,
I begin to fall asleep.. terrified.
counting.. Like every time..
Again. cause maybe i should give myself a new chance.. to fight.. to enjoy a smile. giving myself some time to do a good thing to my mind, doing myself a favor, reminding time that i am from these people that could touch happiness. and happiness can touch them back too.
this feeling makes no sense to anyone. Why am I doing this to myself?, its just my mind growing with many faithful beliefs, different ways and different paths, seems like going everywhere even when im standing at one spot, my body knows that im through different directions. its just me, having skin and bones like others pretending to be a proud human.