Star Jealousy.

part ten: his past.

It felt a little bit awkward
he didn't look like he wanted to stare at me so he can draw. No. Not that even.
I don't knowwww to explain this.
It just seems something different.

So I took a deep breath and started asking him questions about his life.
To brush all the awkwardness away.

I don't wanna remember it later, it makes me laugh.
But... I started it wrongly, maybe.
Not a blessing introduction to tell.

" okay look.. I know we barely know each other, But I only wanted to kiss you because I appreciated your features, not cause there's any love between us. " raising my eyebrows.

" so funny. " he laughed.
" What!!
There's nothing funny over this!
I'm serious! You know that, I don't have a list in my mind called
'love from the first sight' pfsh... " ( lie )

" your boyfriend would be jealous now. Would you stop? " He looked at me and the pencil with his hand.. A sarcasm look.
HAHAHAHA.
HA HA.
Hahh.
" what the hell?
I don't have one!..
How can you know all these informations about me!
It sucks. It sucks. I wanna know you.

I wanna know how.
Everything is strange here.
Stop. Doing that.
Don't make me feel like that, please.
My life! My friends! Are you always stalking me? "
pointing at myself with every word and looking left and right and then a palm sad face.
" if I were a stalker I wouldn't really talk to you, I'd be hiding, baby. "
" dont 'baby' me. "
- screams inside joyfully and melt but looks mad and pissed off -
" don't act like you don't like me, I had lots of crushes, but in a life? Only one girlfriend that stole my heart. "
he smiled.
" liar.
Oh really? You had one girlfriend.. And I had boyfriendzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.. "
Proud looking.
" now you're the one that got pride to show, I'm also a champion, and a history. " he points at me and put his elbow on the desk and his hand under his chin.
" she used to look like you too. "
" and where is she now? "
I asked confused.
" I'm heartbroken, "

" I used to call her my girl. I've always won her. " he finally looked at me.  And laughed as if made him feel numb now.
As if he's telling me it wouldn't hurt anymore.
" I should've told her how I felt when she's there, I mean, when she was there for me. "
" explain more. " I said while I had this stubborn look on my face.
" she wanted to leave because she thought,... I would control her all her life, I'm the hopeless romantic type of a guy.. a dreamer. I don't know if she's really happy with it, or she's just unfaithful to me.
Maybe I'm too clingy. Maybe she just doesn't like me .. "

Waw.
I was rapidly shocked. Shit.
How can she do that to a very super cute guy? I mean, his inner self is purer than water.
I kept listening.

" But it's not what it's supposed to be, she got attracted to her friend from along time, somehow she wanted to fill the hole in her soul when she was a heartbroken too, long stories, so she came alone to me, pretended to be an innocent, we dated and got in a relationship, and when her friend started to miss her, again, she went to him like a tramp needs 'his' love. And I was just a lack of potato. A spare. End of the story. I'm not the kind of person that turns around much.. " he was staring blankly at me.
" well, you don't feel much hurt when you look at me? " I leaned my head on the left, tried to look cuter.
" No, you're the masterpiece I'm painting. And I love looking at my drawings. Hahahha. I'm the one who's cute here commenting on your words.
I'm being friendly now.. But when I see you its like I'm lost in a mystery you know! I really wanna know you. You'll get the best of me! "
he chuckled.
" don't even try.. Just act like yourself, I'm not the centre of attraction you wanna see, I'm the lost piece of perfection. The Uncompleted. But stays strong anyways... I don't need people to throw me stuff whatever I do.. Just so over protective to myself. "
" that's cool... Talk more about yourself hahahah. You reminded me of the little bitch I was with" he smiled at me.
" BUT IM NOT LIKE HER, you like me then you like ME. I'm no comparison, you can't compare me to others BC they are what they are, and I am what I am, TAKE NOTE ! I BET IM BETTER THAN HER! " *raising left eyebrow while trying to hide the anger but it shows on my face so I scroll my eyes*
" you seem... So jealous! " *hides a smile*

"Uh? Really? I am? I don't think so... " *turn around and pretend to arrange my hair so I don't show my jealous expressions*
" wait I need to fix your pictureeee! Don't turn your head. "
" WAAAAIT IM RETOUCHING! " *adding makeup on my face while mocking that face*

It feels exciting. He got curious of my life. And he called me 'baby' but... There's a bitch...
DO I LOOK LIKE A BABY AND A BITCH. WOOPS. Maybe I'm sexy as her or maybe sexier than her? ..... That's why he said " bitch "
Orrrrr maybe He loves me but just he doesn't want to admit it to himself? Wait Vanessa wait.. Time will come and time will tell.. he'll be yours. *talking to myself with a bitchy smile*

I turned around and said " ready! "
Yawning. " I got tired. "

*looking at me and remembering his old girlfriend with a sigh*
" okay.. Let's start. "

Hours after hours, I waited.
I stopped for a moment thinking about what happened. Just think, ignoring his hotness so he cannot distract my thoughts.
I felt like screaming... But I just shut up anyways.
He even likes that me and his old girlfriend has one matching letter in our names. Fuck it.
Don't tell me anything about her BC IM really jealous for you. Yeah jealous. And jealousy can lead me to troubles. I'm crazy In love with you. And I ain't doing risks to fight a Barbie. She doesn't even deserve my hate. I'm sorry, I can't be good for you or perfect the way she does it, but in the end, the strong heart wins.
I hate that you're still attracted to her, can't you just forget? She's non of your future anyways... Non of it.
U keep on defending her.
It's all with me, I led you to the light you were searching for and telling people about, you said she was all your life that you had and I felt numb and ignored it, bc, I don't wanna loose you. You were the most valuable present.
it's your life, life choices.. I can't say anything about it, still you have your own privacy and love.
But I craved that love from you too, and I knew that I'll never have it. My love for you is pure. As tears drops on my skin. I was the one that deserves it. From a long time ago and she stole it from the beginning, that beautiful deep powerful love.
I don't need your pity on me, Help me god I wanna know that you got over her, how can I complete my life?
My jealousy is for a reason. For a reason. You'll really regret you were born this way...
I've been busy in love with you all the time since you removed your mask. but idk how did she let you fall for her spell that's never been out of your control. You were scared you would forget me again if you see her face in front of you. And I'll just disappear to find our memories.. So I can remember.. How you treated me so good. So I would boost my emotions up and say that I've been never hurt.
Can't you just respect my love? And the way I love you? She never gave you that, she even flirted with you... Without trying.
All she cared about was herself- being loved BC she's just so pretty for you.
You were the one trying hard for her while she did nothing but make you happy with the simple touch. I hated it. I hated her. I hated imagining It and I hated knowing about it.
BC it's like I've been blind... I miss who you really were with me, it wasn't meaningless at all, I loved warming you with the heart I had... Even if it wasn't so much time together.
But u complained about coldness and now I'm drown to hell... I can't do you a simple thing but to let you.
Let you.
Let you love her because if you wanted me, you'd rather ignore her and stay here.
She can never care about u the way I do, I'm sorry, that this would make you weak to start your conversation if I said.
you kept on looking at her face, staring at her eyes and laughing at her smile.
being nervous everytime she gets close.
And I'm just watching you both doing even more of that in my mind.
Tell me why you should let me feel a lot of regret this way? You wanted me to be with you? And never leave you? How this thing could be? Secretly she's trying the best to get you.
Are you worried about your time?
And I'm standing here. In the centre of shame. Leaving me wrong, wondering.
I wish you had told me.. " no I'm not going back again cause future and talking to you were better, she's just a past. "
It feels reckless, and bad. The way I am worthless and hard on myself.
I can't follow her to run the road for you.
She's winning the road and I'm waiting a shoulder to hold so I can fight for you.
Tell me who really deserves?
I've been hurt and she took my love.
It just seems unclear, it feels like you and her were... Only. Not us. No us.
It felt awkward now, I wanna run away to think of what did I do.
Or maybe make a good cry for myself.
I don't want to be jealous.. I want him to be mine. Jealous is when you want something that's not yours.
I'm now careful. With what I hear and what I believe in.
I hope I won't see him with someone else.
I don't know why she's still in his life... Yuyks. A nice sweet guy that can never get over his bitch. What a nice "A" for an effort.
The A - highest score of winning it.