Five Steps Away

Chapter 9

I wake up at 3:53 A.M. today. As usual, to kill some time I read a book. But it gets increasingly hard to concentrate as I hear my mom get ready downstairs. She's probably rushing to get out the house—she's late for work. By now she should already be well on her way. I don't check on her though. She'd probably lecture me on how I need to get at least 9 hours of sleep.

I let out a breath, before plugging in my earphones.

A couple of hours and several chapters later when I know that my mom's gone, I get ready and make myself breakfast. The image of yesterday's events start to flood back in my mind. I shift uncomfortably in my chair at the memory of walking out of Ivy Cool. It wasn't a big deal, but... It made me feel powerless. And God knows my worst fear is feeling powerless. Not having power means not having control.

When my dad was still here he'd always tell me the same thing about control. That it was The worst thing humans have ever dreamt of having. That was just another one of his weird philosophical sayings. It was kind of his thing—saying random quotes that felt comforting, but never really meant anything.

Just as I'm about to take my last bite of omelette, I hear knocking at my door. I shove the piece of omelette into my mouth before dumping my plate into the sink, grabbing my bag and opening the door.

"Hey." He says.

"You know you could literally just honk to tell me you're here instead of coming all the way to my front door."

He starts heading back to the car and I follow behind him to enter the passenger seat. "Why? It's just barely five steps to get to the door."

"And then five more to get back to your car. That's ten steps. Which is ten times more than if you just sat in your car and honked. Quick maths"

"I like the exercise."

"No one likes exercise." I say. He chuckles, starting the car and driving us to school.

Once we're there, we go to my locker to get my books, before going to his locker. One convenient thing about this whole dating arrangement, is that though our lockers are far from each other, we have the same first period. Which makes mornings a perfect time to be together for long.

The day goes on fast, lunch feeling like the longest part. The awkwardness between Lily and I, and Elijah and his friend Thomas is palpable. We still have barely spoken. But I guess that won't matter soon anyways, when this whole relationship thing is over. The weirdest part though, is that Jenna still hasn't come back to have lunch with us since the fight. I would have thought she'd cool down by now and have forgiven me. But again, I shouldn't care about that. And I don't.

The whole day, much like the past weeks, Cire has been shooting dirty glares at Elijah. I've gotten better at ignoring my guilt whenever he notices us, and instead try to get even closer to Elijah to make him angrier. Kenny's reaction has been slightly different though. It's like whenever she's with Cire, she's so entranced by whatever he's saying that she couldn't give a care for what Elijah and I are doing. But when she's alone her face is always plastered with guilt.

When the last bell of the day rings, I exit the classroom, about to go to Elijah's locker to wait for him like I usually do, but instead I'm pulled by the arm from the side, and slammed into someone's chest. Even before looking up to make eye contact with him, I already know who it is. I flinch away. I didn't mean to, but I do.

I take a deep breath, reminding myself that I can handle this.

"Hey."

"What... what is it" my voice sounds weak and I hate it. I don't want to be different or submissive when I'm with him. I don't want to feel lost without him.