Five Steps Away

Chapter 17

We're backstage. It's a mess here, clothes and makeup scattered everywhere, with random bits of fabric and colours and scrapbook pages thrown around the room. But it's dark and quiet and comfy.

The show ended and everyone left. I gave Jenna her book back, and apologised for everything that I've done. To be honest saying it out loud made me realise how much I've done wrong. I don't know how she forgave me.

I try to sweep away glitter and used eyelashes from a spot on the ground, before sitting down. Jenna sits down beside me and I lay my head on her shoulder. I can't remember the last time I've done this, but I definitely remember the feeling of comfort that it brings. I've missed this so much.

We stay in silence, for a while I don't want to utter a word, scared of ruining the moment. But then the argument we had months ago replays in my head. I've been so caught up with my own problems that I don't have a single clue what's going on with her.

"Jenna?" I say softly.

"Yeah?"

"What's been happening? With you and your parents and all?" A long pause follows, before Jenna lets out a breath.

"My mom's been a lot more protective recently. The other day someone called me a boy and she kinda lost it. Started screaming at him, cussing him out. Ever since then it's like she realised how much shit I'm gonna have to deal with. I don't know... She means well but I don't think she's fully grasped the fact that I finished transitioning you know? And then my dad obviously lost his job... and my parents are really stressed. They're trying to play it off but I can tell that they have no idea how everything's gonna work out. Now that I have the scholarship though that's less money to worry about. " she says. I nudge her on her side.

"Yeah. Your stupid fashion sense got you a free pass to college." I joke. She laughs, nudging me back.

"What about you? You're dumbass is finally over Cire right?" she asks.

"Yup. Finally realised he never loved me as much as I loved him." I say, truly meaning it. Jenna shakes her head.

"He didn't love you at all. He loved the idea of you. He loved controlling you. That isn't love. Don't insinuate that that boy can love anyone but himself." I open my mouth, then close it, not feeling the slightest need to defend him. Instead I really think about what she said. Maybe he never did love me.

"Speaking of which, have you spoken to Lily yet?" she asks. I furrow my eyebrows.

"About what?" Jenna looks at me unamused.

"You can not be that fucking delusional."

"You can not be that fucking cryptic." I bite back. But none of our snide remarks sound or feel truly harsh. It's just us being blunt and rude. Our own type of humour.

"She likes you." Jenna says. I burst out laughing, stopping when Jenna's face stays serious.

I pause, my smile faltering. "That's impossible. She's straight."

"Has she ever told you that? Or did you just assume" She has to be joking.

"But she's the one who came up with the dating thing. She wouldn't have suggested me dating someone else if she liked me" I say, lifting my head to look Jenna in the eyes.

"She suggested fake dating. Not real dating. You're the one who went on and started liking him. Fuck you're so oblivious. She follows you around like a lost puppy" I ignore the comment of me liking Elijah.

"How do you even know this? You never talk to her."

"Al everyone knows. Have you seen her around you? It's like she's daydreaming whenever she looks at you. Damn girl get out of your bubble." Jenna says. Second time someone has told me that I'm in a bubble.