The way Luke is looking at Adam says that song is about him, but it’s not until way later, after Javier has won, and the after party has died down, and almost every person left in the room is passed out on the floor, that Adam heads over to the guy and offers him a handshake.
“Great performance tonight, man. It’s good to finally see you again.”
Luke gives him a strange look, nodding. “Yeah, yeah. Likewise. Y’know I wasn’t kidding, though. He wrote that song about you, and it was a hell of a lot more self-deprecating when he handed it over to me.” Adam stares at him, not sure what to say. “You still love him,” Luke states. “I know you still love him, and he loves you more than he’s ever loved anyone in his entire life.”
Adam is kind of shocked by the Luke’s bluntness, but outwardly plays it off with a shrug. “It doesn’t really matter though, does it? Doesn’t matter how many songs he writes for me, he’ll never be comfortable in a relationship with me, and I can’t live like that.”
Luke smiles wryly, shaking his head. “God, you’re an idiot.” It’s not said with any serious malice, so Adam lets it slide. “He didn’t write that song for you, he wrote it about you. Blake gave up on trying to win you back the moment we left fifteen years ago. He doesn’t think you’ll ever forgive him, doesn’t think he deserves to be forgiven. But I’m here telling you that I think you should. I think you’d be making a mistake if you didn’t.”
There’s a momentary lapse in Adam’s judgment before he snaps out of it, shaking his head. “Doesn’t make any difference though.”
Luke shrugs. “I wouldn’t be so sure. Feelings as strong as the ones he’s got for you, might surprise you.”
After that, Adam finds the closest remotely attractive guy and rents a hotel for the night.
The guy can’t be older than twenty-five. He knows who Adam is, lets Adam fuck him, and Adam feels like absolute shit when he leaves the room the next morning.
He feels dirty, he feels ashamed, and he feels absolutely no better in regards to Mr. Blake Shelton. It’s the first guy he’s done anything with since Blake (though he’s admitted his sexuality in media interviews since entering the limelight) and it was supposed to help him get over the jackass. It’s done the exact opposite. In hindsight, it was a fucking terrible idea.
Adam heads home quickly; in a moment of weakness, he gets pretty damn close to calling Blake. He calls Carson instead, fed up with doing nothing but contemplating life and staring out at the scenery from his bedroom balcony.
“Adam? You alright, man? Didn’t see you leave last night.”
“Yeah. I’m fine. Listen, can you come around to the house today or something? You busy?”
“No, no. I’ve got nothing until this evening. When d’you want me?”
“Whenever’s best for you.”
“Okay, cool. I’ll get in the car now.”
“Thanks, C.”
Adam steps into the shower after that. He lets the water cascade over him, washes for way too long because he knows he’s trying to scrub away the feelings that came with last night’s escapade. When the intercom buzzes, he’s just about clothed, with a towel to rub at his hair.
Carson’s smiling when he sees him, pulls him into a hug. “Hey, what happened to you last night, man?”
Adam shakes his head with more than a little shame as they walk through to the kitchen. “Something that I really wish hadn’t. I slept for a guy with the first time since…Well, you know.”
Carson sighs, sitting down in a chair at the kitchen table. “Well, you were pretty drunk.”
“I know. I guess I was looking for an answer.”
“Answer to what?”
“I’ve never…I don’t think I’ve really been in love with anyone since Blake. I guess I was just trying to look for a reason as to why I haven’t really felt anything, hoping that it was because I’d eliminated all guys from the equation. But last night, last night was worse than anything I’ve felt in a long time.”
“So, what?”
Adam shrugs, takes the seat opposite Carson and pretty much slumps into it. “I don’t know. I think-.”
Carson cuts him off, shaking his head. “Let’s not fuck around here, Adam. We both know what it means. It means that you’re still in love with him, that you’re likely never going to get over him while it’s still a possibility, that-.”
“But that’s just it.” Adam runs a hand through his drying hair. “It’s not a possibility. It’s not a possibility, and yet I still can’t get over it.”
Again, Carson shakes his head, unconvinced. “That song he sang last night with Luke. Anyone that knows you, anyone that knows what you were like can see that he wrote that song about you. Did you even consider that maybe he feels exactly the same about you, as you do him?”
“Yeah but it doesn’t matter. I can’t live a life where my relationship is confined to my house, a world where we can’t even move in together because of what it might look like to the rest of the world.”
Carson bites his lip. “And what if that’s changed? What if he’s actually in love with you too much for that to matter any more?”
That idea is too much for Adam as he rolls his eyes, not wanting to dwell on it. “Well, now we’re dreaming”, he says, attempting to keep the frustration out of his voice. “But listen, that’s not why I called you.” It’s really not. And they dissolve into easy conversation after that, because Adam asked him here to serve as a distraction, and he can’t face anything to do with music right now.
A couple of days later he has to though, so Adam has the boys from the band over, and they spend some serious time writing and finalizing details for the shows they’re scheduled for in the next few weeks.
