Country Girl at Heart

Chapter 14

By the end of my stay here, I'll have every last detail of the old oak memorized. It's the unforgettable way the branch's sway when the wind picks up. Or the rustles of the leaves when they fall by the dozens, landing all around us as we lay in the middle of a now familiar grass field. I think it may just be the memories that are created while hidden under its streaks of shadows that help me remember how magnificent this space is.
The atmosphere is light between Dawson and I. I think we've both had a lot of expectations about this day for the same reasons. It's almost like we're about to give our hearts away and we know there's no fighting it. We're going to take a step into a territory neither of us is prepared for. At least for the emotions it will bring anyway.
     I roll over onto my stomach, landing perfectly against his side to rest my head on his chest. He folds his arm around my body like a wing and I feel at home... somewhere I didn't know I was looking for until now. Dawson's entire presence has laid the yellow brick road to help me find it.
Hell, he's shaped a whole new person out of me. We only have days left to fully enjoy this subdued, grateful, thoughtful side of me.  When I get back to Mom's, I see myself falling right back into the patronizingly judgmental girl sitting just under the surface. I'm on my way to becoming a woman, and by the end of the day Dawson will have helped me with that too. No matter how fast I'll whip back into a girl after this, I'll always remember how he made me feel.
     I look up to him with a sincere gaze, exploring the golden bursts reflecting from his eyes. "We only have a few more days..."
     His eyebrows sink, creating a deep crease in his otherwise smooth forehead. "Let's not think 'bout that right now. Be in the moment with me."
     "You're right." I shake the thought, turning over to my back.
The sky is littered with clouds but there's enough rays of sun poking down that I'm nice and toasty. I swear I spot a white shaped heart floating above us, so I reach up and trace it. His hand meets mine and we curl our fingers in and out of each other.
"This is exactly how I want to spend them..." I can't help myself from thinking about the end again.
"You okay?"
     "Not sure... just feeling kind of down."
     "Are you havin' second thoughts... about wantin'-"
     "No!" I sit up to look down at him. "It's not that."
     "Then what?"
     I sigh, then shift so I'm sitting on top of him. The yellow sundress I got from the thrift store rides up my legs, drawing his attention for a split second before he locks in on the words that spill from my mouth. "This is perfect. Laying here with you, in this place. Remember when we went to the waterhole and we were talking about God? You said how else could all of this be if he doesn't exist? Well I've changed my mind. He exists in moments I'm with you. All around us." I lean my head back to take in the gust of wind through my hair.
     He sits up enough so his mouth is lightly grazing my welcoming neck. "You're even more beautiful when you talk about God like that."
     Feeling daring, I say, "Let's pretend for the rest of the day that we don't have to say goodbye. Like this will go on forever. Like we get to do this every day for the rest of our lives."
"That sounds like heaven to me." He kisses me, then sets his forehead against mine. "But you wouldn't wanna be doin' this every day for the rest of your life, you said it plenty'a times."
     Ive been so in my head lately, internally fighting back and forth between what I want, I forgot to share all of my thoughts with him. It guts me to hear he thinks I don't want to be with him. It's not that I've decided to stay or anything but I would be lying if I say I haven't considered it. I need to set the record straight. I need to be honest with him and myself about how much my perspective has changed. I don't even think I truly started opening up to the idea until I talked to Becky the other day. She helped me see so much. Now I need him to know...
"I said a lot of things that I don't mean anymore."
He pulls back to look me head on. "What do you mean by that?"
"I can imagine what it would be like if I didn't have to go home."
He smiles a soft grin, "What do you imagine it would be like?"
I sit back and look at our surroundings. We've been so carefree today... so, extra touchy... he is absolutely loving the loose material I have on. I laid on this blanket for a solid hour while he traced the lines and edges of my entire body thoughtfully. We haven't really talked that much, just been soaking all of this up. Or at least I have been enjoying the nature before I'm jam packed by buildings, the quiet that will soon be over powered by taxi horns and jack hammers, the smell of fresh air instead of exhaust and polluted air.
     "I imagine life would be just like this. Chilling under the old oak, being lazy and carefree."
     "I can imagine it, too. You runnin' 'round in shit covered work boots and sundress's. Your award winning sandwich's. Dinner with you every night..."
"The 15 minutes of peace right as the sun is coming up before you have to go to work," I add.
"Makin' love every chance we got."
My chest tightens as I secretly dive and take root in the way those words sound coming from his mouth. "Lots of that, yeah."
He kisses me. "You know what would make it even better?"
     "Im not sure it could get any better than that, but, what?"
     "A little bit'a moonshine," he grins mischievously and reaches over to the picnic basket stuffed full of goodies.
     "No way... like real moon shine? Where'd you get it?"
     "Wren gave me a bottle he got from one of his friends who makes it illegally out on his land. He's got a full on distillery hidden in the trees somewhere."
     "I can't believe he gave you some. Have you tried it?"
     "Not yet. All I know is it's got a cinnamon taste to it. Have you ever had moon shine before?"
"Never." I grab the mason jar and examine it as if it's going to look any different than a regular beer. "Have you?"
"A few too many. That stuff is real popular out here."
I unscrew the top and sniff, pulling back immediately because of the strength.
He laughs and grabs it from me, sniffing it himself. "Oooo! This is gonna be a strong one."
"You should've brought it out sooner! What were you waiting for?"
"To be honest, I didn't know how you'd feel about it."
"About drinking with you? Why wouldn't I want to do that?"
"I didn't want you to feel pressured since you got in trouble with somethin' similar before. Moonshine is illegal and if we somehow got caught..."
"Oh Dawson... you're always so thoughtful." I kiss him. "But look around, there's no way we'll get caught out here! Plus I have no problem getting drunk with you. Maybe it will take the edge off a little... the days not over yet," I hint.
His pupils dilate briefly, telling me he just read my mind. It's like the same dirty images pass from me to his, causing us both to remember what this day is supposed to be about in the first place.
     We take turns drinking then laughing at the faces we can't help but make at the bitterness. It tastes even better on his tongue, which I suck on promiscuously. He does the same thing in return, getting drunk off the alcohol and me.
     "Is the edge taken off enough?" I whisper into his mouth. "Because mine is."
He doesn't say anything, just keeps kissing me, which I'm not opposed to but... it makes me wonder if he still wants to do this.
"Are you still afraid you'll like me too much after?" I ask.
This time he looks at me again. His eyes are slightly slumped and he's holding back a crooked smirk. "I already like you too much."
My emotions run ramped through my nervous system. The weight of his words feel as heavy as 'I love you' would. I'm hot then cold then up then down, getting whip lash from own 'I like you too much too' from pouring out of me. Feeling more jittery than ever, I stand up and set the jar down.
"Where're you goin'?"
I laugh at how strong his accent is now that he's buzzed. Copying it as well as I can, I say, "Waitin' for you to come get me," with an inviting grin.
     He watches me before getting up, so intently, like he's trying to memorize every inch of my being. Even though I'm pretty sure he already has because at this point I could point out every single one of his mannerisms, phrases and habits. I hope he can too.
     I start to walk through the grass, trailing my fingers along the top of the grass. The wind picks up again and I feel my dress flutter away from my body, not bothering to stop it. "If you want me, you have to come get me."
     Theres no hesitation as he stands with an eagerness, then glides over. A flower patch of daisies spring around on the tips of their stems, drawing his attention enough to bend down and carefully pluck one. He twists it between his fingers, tucks one side of my hair behind my ear and locks it in with the flower. I give a grateful smile, leaning my head back and standing as tall as I can to meet his lips.
     We get lost in a fury of desperate connection. Our mouths grab on tight, hands reach for the others most sensitive areas, bodies collide together instinctively. My heart rate skyrockets once it hits me that we're about to do this for real. Why is it that I'm always so confident going into these sort of situations but then when I'm in the moment and the time comes, I almost freeze to death?
     Needing to take it slow, I detach to take a breath, pressing my forehead on his chest as a signal that I need a sec before we keep going. He graciously stops everything and rests his cheek against my head.
     I don't want the mood to completely die so I start to unbutton his shirt. One by one it loosens until he helps get it off. As I reach for his belt he stops me, placing my hands in his hair instead. I tangle into the fine strands and he reaches down to pick me up. He places soft but firm pecks along my collarbone as he walks us then kneels down on the blanket to set me on my back.
     Wanting to feel his warmth against my skin, I reach to the bottom of my hem and slide it up my body. His eyes scan everything as I do it. As soon as he can he latches onto my stomach and exposed part of my breasts with his tongue. I struggle against his belt with stiff fingers. He stands back up to slip off his shoes.
     Before I know it he's naked.
      We've done this so many times I've lost count but for some reason it feels like the first. Like we've never seen each other this vulnerable before.
     When he comes back down I use my body weight to roll on top of him, taking my place on his torso. I unclip my bra letting the straps take their time getting off. The rose to his cheeks, wet lips, shaggy hair and demand in his eyes are all another side of Dawson I've seen glimpses of, but only to a certain extent. We've been messing around for weeks but this is a major first time for us. I think that's turning him on more than ever before.
     I can feel that it is against my thigh.
     He comes up completely, causing us to sit face to face now. He grabs my hips and all the right parts of us move together, building our need for more.
     At the same time he reaches over to the basket and pulls out a crinkly foil packet, rolling me to my back again. Without saying anything, I watch him put on the rubber. There's a slight second when he crawls over to get ready, and he looks at me into the deepest depths of my soul. It takes my breath away. Normally I would have some comment about how hot this is but it's so much more than that. I don't have words to describe the feeling that overcomes me when he doesn't look away but puts himself inside of me with a soft moan.
     I pull my legs up and along his body, allowing him to take full control. Sleeping with Dawson is everything I ever expected. It's raw, meaningful, awakening, and special. It's just as perfect as he is. His hands are gentle but firm when they frame my face, his hair sways ever so slightly against my forehead, he's not shy with his low grunts that spout out when we start to pick up speed.
     My mouth opens and my back arches.
     My toes curl.
     My nails grab at his back.
     Every fiber of my being is vibrating underneath him.
     His body is solid in all the right places, strong enough to keep up an impressive pace. His breath rolls out in a controlled haste smelling like cinnamon moon shine. I can tell every fiber of his being is on the same level as mine. Like we're ascending to an astral field, where our souls recognize each other utterly and  completely.
     I open my eyes, seeing that he's watching our bodies move. I give him a few more selfish seconds to admire the view before taking his chin and turning it my way.
     With a lost breath I beg, "Say something."
     He kisses me with an intense longing before smirking with confidence. "Do you want the southern gentleman or the rough cowboy?"
I manage to sigh in response, seeing as he's feeling better and better the longer we go. My mind is turning to mush, everything feels like a fairytale around us.
He catches on, getting a better grip and enclosing me entirely. He kisses my cheek then finishes us off by whispering, "You're infectious. And I have no fuckin' clue how I'm gonna get over you."
     We both lose control right then.
I'm left squirming for more, even though I got my fix, as he takes care of the sanitary part. He lays next to me, pulling us close, needing to come down as much as I do. Our breathing steady's as one. When I open my eyes he's looking at me with so much meaning.
"Say somethin'," he whispers.
What I want to say brings tears to form at the brim of my lash line. His expression is worried but he lets me process. His thumb wipes at my cheeks.
"I don't know how I'm going to get over you either."
He kisses my forehead before wrapping me into him. I don't break down anymore then those few escape artists, but tuck to his chest. I don't think either of us knows what to say. We knew what this would do. Only it's ten times worse than we both imagined.
     That's what happens when a summer fling turns into a summer love.