Country Girl at Heart

Chapter 15

Mom's name flashing on my phone is a huge reality check after getting fully sucked into my feelings for Dawson. The flashing letters along with the insistent    vibrating are another reminder that my time here is limited. Very, scarily limited. I let it go to voicemail, which I'm sure will only piss her off but I'm not ready to talk to her yet. It's been weeks since I last called her and so much has changed, in too many ways.
     I didn't end up staying at Dawson's last night like I usually do. We were both tanked. After enjoying each other one more time as I was in literal tears, which I'm not proud of, he dropped me off at Wren's and I spent hours laying awake weighing my options. Fighting back and forth between what's real and what's not. Laying out road maps for every single possibility. I've come to a cross roads where I'm being pulled to two different life paths, each of which have the potential to be more than fulfilling.
Do I stay?
Or do I go?
The vibrating starts again. I groan with frustration, flipping the stupid flip screen up with too much force and pounding the green call button with my thumb. "Hello?" I practically spit with impatience.
     "Uhm, excuse me young lady. Who do you think you're talking to?"
     I want to scream at her for so many reasons. For leaving Wren, my dad, for not encouraging a relationship with him when I was still young, for getting sucked into a rambunctious, bougie lifestyle therefore raising me to not learn any of the lessons I've learned while out here. Which I'm now realizing are some of the most important of all. The only thing she's ever taught me is to recognize real designer from knock off, to always have your nails freshly manicured, and what color blonde looks best with my skin tone. I want to scream about all this and how much she held me back.
But at the end of the day, she's still my mom.
I take a massive, holy breath.
"Did you lose connection in that shit hole or are you ignoring me now?"
"Neither," I say.
"Why are you being so short? What's wrong with you?"
"Nothing, mom. I'm fine."
"You sound tired. I know we agreed you'd be working but he sure as hell better not be over doing it."
"He's not. It's not as bad as you think, anyway."
"I'm not sure whether to be happy or not about that statement. I hope you're not starting to actually like being there?" My silence is deafening. "Lexi? Please tell me I'm wrong. I give you permission this one time, just to make me feel better. You're scaring me."
"Uh, yeah," I clear my throat, "It's not bad."
"Hold on one minute." I hear her tell her assistant to push back their meeting and then it's quieter than I've ever heard it on her end. "Lexi, you're flight is in a few days. You better be at the airport and on that plane with no questions asked."
"I know, Mom." My voice is slowly starting to get meaner. "Trust me, I know."
"Oh lord, don't tell me he's convinced you to stay. If that son of a bit-"
"He didn't convince me of anything!"
"Than what is going on? Last time we talked you hated it. It was the perfect punishment, you said."
I laugh, because when I think about it, all of this is the ultimate punishment. Not the working and spending time at Wren's like I thought, but the emotional turmoil I'm going through after creating relationships with certain people I didn't expect to. "It still is, don't worry."
"Do I need to call Wren and demand an answer on his part because I will."
I sit up straight in a panic. "No. Do not call him."
"My assistant can have him in the matter of seconds if you don't tell me what happened to you over the last month. I'm serious, Lexi. You have three seconds before-"
"Okay! God!" I sigh into the phone. "You'll never understand though..."
"What do you mean I won't understand? Im your mother. You can tell me anything, you know that."
I hold back a most hectic laugh, wanting to throw it at her that that's never how it's worked. I want to tell her I've tried multiple times to open up to her and every time it turns into a power trip on her end. She acts as if my decision making skills aren't mature enough and that I don't know anything. That's why I stopped trying with her a long time ago.
     Not to mention the subject matter on what's wrong with me. I don't even know how I'm going to get the words out. "I... there's this... I met..."
     "There's what? You met who- wait... Lexi. Tell me you didn't meet a boy."
     "Told you, you wouldn't understand."
A long, irritated sigh rush's my eardrum. "Listen very close... no boy... no matter how charming, attractive, or caring he may seem... is worth upending everything you know and already love. Not one. Do you hear me?"
     "But he's-"
     "But nothing! How did you not learn from my mistakes?"
     "He's not a mist-"
     "I can't even believe I'm having this conversation right now. Let me just tell you a story, little girl, since clearly you're old enough to hear it now. When I was around your age, I went on a road trip with my best friend to California. We had plans to get an apartment and live on the beach, work in LA and make fortunes together doing real-estate. Then one, awfully hot day, we broke down and Wren came rolling up in that Ford truck he had. I was smitten, I won't lie. But only at first. That little town drained me. Sure, he made me happy, but one person can't keep you happy for the rest of your life, all the other variables have to make sense too. Location, location, location. Environment matters. The people, god the people there, I didn't belong and they made sure I knew that. I couldn't make one friend with those redneck, work boot wearing woman.
     "They never understood me and I couldn't get myself to understand them. The only person I had was Wren. Like I said, it doesn't matter how caring, loving or different they seem to be. They're not enough. They never will be. This boy you met... he may seem like your whole world for a year maybe two but trust me when I say... you will want to leave. Or worse, you'll wind up pregnant at 19 and then reality will really set in and you'll be forced to pack up and leave with nothing to your name. Have to rebuild a life elsewhere from nothing."
      The way she tells the story is worlds away from how Wren told it. She acts like he was just a phase in her life, like he was only a small blip who was easily fixed by moving on to the next chapter. How does she not realize it is a human being who was counting on her to keep the promise of forever.
But even though I disagree with how she treated their relationship, there are a few things she just said that resonate with me when I think outside of my time with Dawson. Because let's be honest, as much as I could try I won't be spending every second of every day with him. Not that the town has been unaccepting but I can definitely feel for her when it comes to the people. It sounds like the girls she dealt with would be the same girls I'll continue growing up with and then spend my life next to as unpleasant neighbors. Not even neighbors, but step sister. I would have to put up with Ali, Lyla, and Jessica at every holiday, birthday, or family event of any sort with Ali. We all know they're not leaving and she would never forgive me for staying and 'ruining her life'. I'm sure there are other girls out there who I haven't met yet but still, a lifetime is a long time to have to protect myself.
"Lexi, I understand what you're feeling more than you know. It wasn't an easy decision to make, leaving that place. I thought on it for months debating on what would give you a better life. That's all I wanted for you. Trust me when I say it was the most difficult thing I've ever done.
"Also, you're in a completely different situation than I was. I was older, well into college, you still have a year of high school left! A whole life ahead of you. I wish you would just listen to me. You'd be saved a whole lot of heartbreak."
It's good to here it wasn't as easy for her as I thought it was. "I'll be heartbroken either way," I whisper, coming to the conclusion that I can't escape it no matter what I choose. My bottom lip quivers from the sorrow slamming my chest.
"This boy, what's his name?"
I'm surprised at her lower, understanding tone coming through the phone. "Dawson."
"Is he older?"
"Only by a year."
"Is he cute?"
My chest tightens, tears threaten. "There's no one like him at home."
"But there is, somewhere out there in this concrete jungle is a boy just like yours. Maybe without the cowboy hat and Texan charm but he exists. You really shouldn't be so worried about this anyway, you're seventeen for Christ's sake. You should be out breaking hearts not settling down with the first one you come across."
"That's not helping. And how would you even know if this is the 'first one'? It's not like you've talked to me about this before."
     "This is the first one you've told me about, so I don't really have anything else to go off of now do I? I always wanted to give you room to grow on your path."
     I scoff inwardly. "Expect for right now?"
     "I'd say letting you roam free in the boyfriend department makes sense when you're not 2,000 miles away." She sighs, then muffles something in the background. "You barely met this boy, Lexi... I can't let you make a hasty decision like this all because you think you've fallen in love. The honeymoon stage can be very convincing. You only have until Friday so I suggest you make your time worth while. Or, if it were up to me, I'd break it off now so it's easier. For the both of you." There's no point in arguing with her any further. In the end, she would never let me stay. Getting her support and blessing is close to impossible. "Lexi? I have to get in a meeting. And don't even think about missing that flight or I will come down there and get you myself. I'm not kidding, Lexi. Do you understand me?"
     "Yep," I answer dryly, "Don't take any chance on life. Got the message loud and clear."
     "Oh honey, you'll thank me for this one day."
     I close the phone, wanting to hulk smash it against the wall. She's right about so many things but I don't want her to be. I don't want to see her side. I don't want to agree with my mom because then that makes me like her. I hate the fact that she walked away and now I'm about to do the same thing.
     There's no way I'm going to end things early. I couldn't stand being around him not able to talk or touch or feel. It wouldn't make the end any easier, and I know for a fact I'll never get over it either way.