depressed thoughts

you don't understand

some of you just don't understand.

you don't understand not shaving your arms or legs for eight months because you're afraid you're going to relapse. you don't want to hurt yourself again, but you desperately want to feel something again.

you don't understand not being trusted enough to to take your allergy pills because people are afraid you'll steal the bottle. you know that you won't, but still watch as it, along with all of your medications, are locked in a safe that you don't know the code to.

you don't understand not brushing your teeth in the morning because you stayed in bed for too long. you're not even tired, but you lay in bed in the morning, just staring at the ceiling until realizing that you're going to be late for school.

you don't understand crying over a compliment from someone who doesn't even know you because you've felt so low for so long. you couldn't even look at yourself in your bedroom mirror, but when you got the compliment you stood in front of it, staring at yourself and sobbing because just for a few blissful minutes, you felt beautiful.

you don't understand holding a comfort item close, wishing it was someone you could hold. you have a partner, yes, but you can't hold them, so you hold the comfort item you've had since you were a baby and cry because you miss them so much that your heart hurts.

you don't understand not finding joy in things you used to because they remind you of the person you used to be. you feel like you can't sing, or read, or write, because all of it reminds you of the person you were eight months ago.

you don't understand standing on the scale at the doctor's office and being sad because you're heavier than you were three months prior. you gained thirty pounds since november, and now you go through phases of starving yourself and binge-eating because you know you're fat, but you don't feel sad when you're eating.

some of you just don't understand. and some of you never will.