depressed thoughts

i remember

i remember in fourth grade. i saw you from the corner of my eye as i walked out of school, holding his hand. i saw how sad you looked, but i didn't know why. you were at my cheer practice that night. you watched me from the grass near where your parents stood talking to your brother's football coach. you saw me being thrown into the sky, smiling and waving and practicing cheers. you came up to me after and said i was a really good cheerleader. that left a smile on my face for the rest of the night.

i remember a month later. him and i broke up, and soon after you approached me and asked me out. i said yes, out of fear of breaking your heart- i did like you, although i didn't exactly know how, but i didn't want to jump back into a relationship. you gave me your number, and we texted until late that night. it made me really happy that you stayed up late with me until i was ready to sleep.

i remember in sixth grade. we finally met each other's parents and siblings. we exchanged christmas gifts. you gave me a necklace and chocolate, and i gave you a chicago bears hat with your name on it. you kissed my cheek before leaving my house. your mom treated me as her daughter. your dad promised to take me fishing someday. your brother was already threatening to crush me at call of duty. i felt accepted and part of your family.

i remember two months later. it was valentine's day. you said you had a present for me and told me to close my eyes. i did, and you finally kissed me. you gave me your first kiss. i opened my eyes out of shock and saw you sitting there, blushing and smiling to yourself. you asked if i enjoyed it, and i said yes out of pity, because i really didn't. i was uncomfortable, but i didn't know why. i begged my mom to come pick me up, and she did. i threw up three times that night. i didn't know why it made me sick.

i remember in seventh grade. you sent me a picture. i threw up several times that night. i deleted the picture, told my parents, and said goodbye to you the next day. i locked myself away for the next several days. i felt disgusted, but not toward you. i felt disgusted toward myself. i should've just told you how i outright felt toward you, and yet i didn't. i was afraid because you had told me you loved me, and yet i didn't love you back.

i remember now, sitting in my room, rethinking and reliving. i'm still upset at myself for not saying it to you. for not telling you how i really felt. for not being honest with myself, and instead ignoring it to make you happy. i'm sorry i never told you any of this, and i put you through hell because of it.

i'm sorry, Dalton. i'm sorry i could never tell you how i really loved you. you've always been my brother. it never grew from that. i'm sorry I upset you so much by not being honest.