depressed thoughts

i remember (part 2)

i remember in kindergarten. you walked up to me with a big smile on your face and introduced yourself. we told each other who our teacher was, and talked on our way inside. we played every day at recess. you introduced me to your friends, who quickly became mine as well. we were a close family, laughing as we chased each other on the grass in the playground.

i remember in sixth grade. we had lost touch for a while, but we started talking once again due to our shared sport. we laughed together once again as we ran next to each other. we supported each other at every meet. you were there when i collapsed out of exhaustion from my first meet after having a concussion, and celebrated with me when it was my fastest time yet. soon after, you told me you were going to be homeschooled. i was upset, but i hugged you and wished you good luck.

i remember in eighth grade. we saw each other at the town pool and suddenly got back in touch. you gave me your number and we started talking all over again. you told me you were coming back to school next year, and i was excited. you seemed so happy and carefree. i never thought there would be something hiding underneath your smile.

i remember the next year. you sat in front of me in the cafeteria as you ranted to me, spilling everything you had built up for the past three years. all of your sadness, guilt, and hopelessness you felt since middle school. i hugged you tightly as you shook in my arms. i felt our bond grow stronger at that moment. i told you i loved you, and you said you loved me back. we were family, and we have been since kindergarten.

i remember eight months later. one of our friends sent me a link to the online town newspaper. i read it and cried. i ran to my mom and sobbed in her arms. i called my girlfriend and cried openly to her for the first time. i never even got to say goodbye.

i remember an hour ago, standing in front of a grave.  i looked at the carved name and took a deep breath, holding back tears. i walked forward and kissed the top, like i always did, before muttering "my brother."

i'm sorry, Chase. i'm sorry i never got to say goodbye. i'm sorry i wasn't there to stop you. i'm sorry i couldn't be there for you. i tried so hard to always be by your side, through thick and thin. your road ran out. i'm so sorry i wasn't there to pour more cement and make that road bigger.