depressed thoughts

i remember (part 3)

i remember in eighth grade. i was extremely depressed. i has planned on taking my own life. there was nothing that was going to stop me, except... you.

i remember when we first talked. i was writing a story here on wattpad. you found it and loved it. you messaged me, asking when i was going to publish another chapter. we quickly became friends, and we talked every day.

i remember hearing your voice for the first time. we had gotten each other's facebook and social media. We were going to do a video call. i was so scared and nervous. i thought you would hate me. i answered the call, and you were there, smiling. you greeted me as an old friend, even though we'd only been talking for a few weeks.

i remember a year later. we were still talking. we were still friends. i had just broken up with my ex. i wasn't upset about it- if anything, i was relieved. i was starting to figure myself out- and i realized i was never into guys. i was always attracted to other women. and there was one in particular i was absolutely in love with.

i remember when everything spilled. i accidentally let it leak on snapchat. everyone knew i likes you. even you. you asked me about it, and i answered honestly- i really liked you. i was crying, embarrassed. i wanted to get out of the conversation. but then, you said something that surprised me- you liked me, too. a week later, we were dating.

i remember when you invited me to a convention. it was small, and you were going to be there. you wanted to see me in person, and you wanted me to meet your family. i convinced my parents to go, and we drove for four hours across the state border to see you. i was practically sick with nervousness. you found me quickly, and i hugged you. it felt nice. it felt natural. i stayed the night at your house, then left to go back home the next day. i already missed your smile and warmth.

i remember everything. the good and the bad. i remember how jealous you were about my best friend. i remember how it felt kissing you for the first time. i remember late night conversations, and sneaking around your parents because you weren't supposed to be dating yet. i remember the last time you came to my house. i remember every other time. i remember planning our future wedding together. i remember dreaming about it, and talking to you about it. i remember how badly i wanted it to happen.

i remember two nights ago. it was mutual, yes, but it still hurt like hell. i needed to give you time and space to sort out your emotions. you needed to experiment with her. you deserve to be with someone closer to you, and who you can see on a daily basis. not someone that lives four hours away and you can only see three times a year, if we're lucky.

i'm not enough for you. i never was. i've always said that. i'm left here, suffocating. i can barely breathe. i've ran out of tears at this point. everything hurts. and the only thing i want to do is talk to you, but i can't.

i'm sorry, Beth. i'm sorry we had to say goodbye like this. i hope you're happy with her. you'll forget about me someday. don't worry about me, i'll be fine. i'll find someone eventually. i still love you. goodbye.