Alaskan Nights (A Law and Order: SVU fanfic)

Ch.11

She was tired, her eyes threatened to close on her too many times to count, "Are you still there?"
"I need to know you're okay, Olivia," he heard her sigh and her head hit against the door.

"I'm okay."

"No, you're not."

"Yes. I am."

"Saying it like you're trying to convince yourself isn't working, try again."
She laughed. Her throaty, almost manly laugh rang through the thin door. He could imagine her neck extended backwards and her face feigning glee like he'd seen too many times before," I have to tell you something." All glee aside her voice was serious as cold as the night.

"What is it?" He prodded.

She went silent and he feared she'd changed her mind, "Liv."

"I--I'm...we're...," she took a breath determined not to let her voice waver. "God why is this so bloody hard."

Elliot was standing now, his hands placed firmly on the door, "Olivia, whatever it we'll make it through together." She wasn't sure that this was what she wanted; she wasn't sure if she was ready to open her life fully to Elliot. To go through this process with him and make her self fully susceptible to him. To pull him back into the life he'd just left; a life he openly stated made him resentful-- not of his children but of the man it made him become. She wasn't ready for the change between them. The having to fully intertwine their lives at the drop of a hat. She wasn't ready for the reaction, the gleam in his eyes as the two words escaped her lips. She knew he'd take responsibility-- he'd take care of her as he'd always done. He'd be at every appointment; birthing class; shopping trip; yoga class. Everything.

That was what scared her. Commitment. Elliot.

"I need you to leave, Elliot."
"What?" He scoffed.

This wasn't going to be easy, "Leave, please." she was on the edge but her mind was set.
"Leave?"

"Are you deaf? Leave. Now." She gritted, assaulting the door with a sole kick.

"Olivia." His voice cracked, God she hoped she knew what she was doing.

"Get the fuck out of my apartment.

"Fine!" The door slam behind him ringing through the entire apartment.

Olivia lay flat on her shag carpet her eyes closed but tears were still able to seep through. She'd since lost both the tests but she didn't need them anymore; she knew, he didn't know but she did.