sometimes I still feel your cold hands at the back of the button on my pants, & the feeling of someone on top of me scares me to the point that I cry afterwards . i still see your eyes looking up at me with the look that I can't shake . a terrible look . one that says something like 'you're not getting away' & I scream . I scream without making any noise & I can't stop . I've always been the one to feel as if I owe a man my body . like I owe them the satisfaction even if it makes me cringe & even if I feel like I might puke . I let them have me because I don't want them to leave or maybe it's because I feel like that's something someone has to give up in order to be kept . I am naturally a giver of my body despite what endless therapy sessions have explained to me . they will never amount to the 2 years I gave myself & wasn't kept . completely changing the mindset that I was worth something into a oconstant reminder that I will never be loved for the way I sleep silently but for the way I will always give up anything I am asked to just for simple affection or a fake 'I love you' . I disgust myself in the most extreme way & I will always hate myself more than I can hate you for doing this to me .
