Dulling Glisters of the Diamond (Casa Fuego Series #5)

Chapter 24

Whole world

I never touched the kid.

Ever after I got through my post partum depression, I still never touched the kid. Isa sa mga dahilan ay hindi ko pa matanggap ang sitwasyon. But a greater reason is that I am scared of touching him. I have never been gentle. I feel like I can break him if I touch him. I feel like he was so vulnerable for a very strong person like me to touch him.

I thought the pregnancy was the hardest part of it. But things got harder when the baby has actually materialized in front of me. Lalo pa dahil nagkaroon ako ng postpartum depression. One of the advice from the doctor was to build a bond with the baby. Pero hindi ko talaga magawa.

The first time I tried holding him a month after I gave birth to him, I broke down. Agad akong dinaluhan ni Kuya habang umiiyak ako nang husto. Pinaghalong galit para sa sarili at takot para sa bata ang naramdaman ko. I felt shitty about myself, and at the same time I don't know why I'm so scared to hold the baby. I feel like I can break him anytime. I am scared of hurting him even when I don't have the intention to.

Pero nang makaraos ako sa post partum depression, akala ko makakayanan ko na. But then, that's when anger, shame, and regret for myself came. Doon pa lang nag sink in na may anak na ako. Nanay na ako. Habang buhay ko nang responsibilidad ito.

I hated it. I didn't want to become a mother. I have never imagined myself becoming a mother even if I marry for convenience. Hanggang ngayon, hiyang-hiya pa rin ako sa mundo. At hiyang-hiya pa rin ako sa sarili ko.

We flew to Australia after giving birth. No details nor news about my delivery and the whole of my pregnancy were leaked. I don't know if it was because our workers were loyal to us, or if they are just really scared of my family.

"You're going to party again, Grecianna?"

Natigilan ako sa paglalakad sa hallway. Nilingon ko si Papa. He aged so much. Papa and Mama separated after their heated confrontation about me and my brother's revelation regarding Mama's plans that he never knew about.

I guess he aged so much from heartbreak. He genuinely love my mother but he couldn't accept her after hearing how manipulative she was. Hindi niya rin matanggap na may masamang binabalak si Mama sa kaniyang pamilya. Hindi niya rin matanggap na nagsisi si Mama na pangalawang anak ang napangasawa niya, hindi ang panganay ng mga Villacorta.

"Yes, Pa. What's wrong?" I said sassily.

He scoffed.

When I got through my postpartum depression, I didn't do anything but to party and attend social gatherings. Namuhay ako na parang dalaga pa rin. Namuhay ako na parang walang responsibilidad. I didn't like that kid. I couldn't even last a minute staying in his nursery room. Tanging ang nanny lang niya ang nagbabantay sa kanya, o 'di kaya'y si Papa kapag walang trabaho.

Like usual, I wear my very short and skimpy sparkling dress. I wore a white faux fur coat and silver strappy sandals.

"What's wrong, Grace? Really?" hindi makapaniwala niyang sinabi.

Bumuntong hininga ako at umirap. Didiretso na sana ako nang nagsalita pa siya.

"You are acting like you don't have a one-year old son crying every night on the arms of his nanny! While he's crying the whole night, you're out there partying and hanging out with your social circle!" tumaas ang boses niya.

I gritted my teeth.

I just wanted to feel like myself again! I just wanted to feel pretty again! I just wanted to feel confident again! I just wanted to feel like the Grecianna Villacorta again!