Where The Light Doesn't Reach

22.

Numb.

A lack of feeling, an emptiness—
It's the perfect word for how I feel as I place the last of my belongings in my bag.

I'm going back home today... or is it even considered a home?

Not really.

I don't think I've ever thought of it that way, but rather a place I'm forced to exist in.

If I thought about what the definition of "home" is, I think it'd look similar to the one I'm currently standing in—
A place full of cherished belongings, memories you actually want to look back on, and people who make you feel safe.

As foreign as all those are to me, I finally understand. I want this to be my home...
But for now, it can't be.
Not while he exists. As long as that man haunts me... I can't leave there permanently.

Which is why I'm going back.

I don't like to think about what could be waiting for me over there, so instead I push it out of my mind...
It can't hurt me if I don't think about it.

"Are you all set?" Mrs. Kane asks as she walks into the room, deciding not to knock. The corner of my lip lifts a bit at that, a small smile to myself as I remember how careful she was when I first arrived... and how comfortable we've both become around each other.
I know she won't do anything I don't like, and she knows what's out of line.

It's odd how these people actually listen and make sure not to cross any boundaries-- I'm still not exactly used to it.

I wonder if I ever will be.

I then realize I didn't answer her question, still staring down at my overstuffed bag. There's more things in here than when I'd arrived, and my heart aches as I think about how they're all I can bring with me.

I received a few sweaters, some brand new while others are just hand me downs from Gray. I also have my new art supplies, a magazine, and the precious gift I received the other night.

I swallow down the lump that forms in my throat as I unwillingly think about how much the Kanes have given me in such a short span of time...
I'll miss being here more than anything.

I let out a sigh and nod, watching as Mrs. Kane's eyes sadden. She keeps a smile on her face, and it's clear that she's trying to keep things more positive—

Probably for my sake.

"Then let's get moving! Unless you're having second thoughts...?" She hints, and I let out a breathy laugh while shaking my head.

"Nah, I think you guys have had enough of me for now." I joke, trying not to show just how much of a lie that really is. I know by now that they'd never think something like that, and they've reassured me that I'm always welcome.

Numb, I think, stay numb.

I take one last glance around Gray's room and then gesture that I'm ready to go, and the older woman obliges, turning and walking into the hallway as I follow her out.

Gray's standing near the door, hands in his pockets but a concerned expression on his face. His foot is tapping quickly, as if he's anxious— I hate that I'm probably the cause of it.

He catches sight of us and immediately straightens, frowning down at me from his tall height as I move to stand in front of him.

"Are you sure you don't want me to walk you to your door? It's only a few feet, it really wouldn't bother me—"

"No," I state firmly, not willing to have this conversation again. "I don't know what my parents' reactions will be... I don't want to add more fuel to the fire by bringing you with me."