Where The Light Doesn't Reach

19.

Terrified.
That's the only way to describe how I feel, yet it doesn't feel like enough.

The reality is that I have to go home at the end of the week no matter how badly I want to stay here. One way or another, Greg will want me back, and I don't know what he'd do to make sure it happened.

He's threatened me before, telling me that if I say anything then he'll make something up to counter it. He'll lie and tell others that I actually have a crush on him and I'm jealous of his girlfriend—

Once, he threatened to film me and post it online.

He's insane, but unfortunately I'm caught in the bastard's filthy palms. I don't want anything to happen to the Kanes, as I'm not completely sure he wouldn't do anything to hurt them somehow.

I know I have to do what he says in order for them to stay safe. His favorite toy is missing and who knows what he'll do to make sure I don't leave again. I'm not sure how Greg found out that I'm here, but it means he's probably home. If he knows, then it has to be because our parents called him.

He's most likely there, right next door, so close that I can almost feel him—

—I swear I can hear his breathing in my ear.

You're so good for me, Carter.

A horrible chill runs down my spine as my stomach makes a sickening lurch, but I keep my eyes glued to the screen in front of me, pretending to watch whatever's currently playing on it. I'm not paying attention, only vaguely aware that it's an episode of this new series Gray and I have been binging together.

I haven't said much since coming into the room, which I'm sure he's noticed. He didn't believe the excuse I gave him, even I know that, but he won't keep digging. He respects my boundaries, no matter how much it must hurt to constantly be kept in the dark.

To be honest, I really don't want to lose what we have, but somehow I still can't find it in me to tell him. I know it's unfair that I keep letting him in only to push him away again, but I'm still too much of a coward—

I really don't want to lose him.
I let him in, and if continuing to take Greg's abuse means I get to keep this then I'll do it.

I want to keep Gray.

For once in my life, I want something so badly that I'm willing to do anything for it. I want whatever is happening between us to continue, and to find out what the future might hold.

I'll tell Gray—

—eventually.

My heart starts to pound, and for a second I fear that he can hear it too. I try as best I can to keep my breathing even so as not to rouse his suspicion.

Unable to stop my train of thought, I continue my overthinking on the issues at hand.

For one thing, it's clear that I'm going to have to tell him at some point, that much is sure. I have too many problems and secrets for whatever this is to continue between us without eventually explaining why.

The hardest part is when.

Realistically, I know that if Gray knew, he could probably help. Greg wouldn't be able to use lies or threats because Gray might actually believe me.

But then again, there's also this mind-numbing fear that overtakes all logical thinking as I wonder if that's really true—

After all, it's not normal for men to be raped, right?

I should've been able to fight him off by now, but instead I'm still taking it, still allowing another man to take advantage of me. I'm less than, I'm practically asking for it - I'm worth nothing. I'm continuing to stay silent and letting him blackmail me into submission, so it's my fault.