Where The Light Doesn't Reach

10.

I'm freaking out,

and my mom's beyond pissed.

I haven't left my room in a few days, feeling too numb to process the gnawing hunger in my stomach and only taking bathroom breaks when I'm positive my parents aren't around. My mom still has my phone so I've been out of contact with the rest of the world and, most importantly, Gray.

Which means he doesn't know where I am.

I haven't spoken to him since letting him know that I had a therapy appointment after class, but I haven't been wondering if he's noticed my disappearance. I already know that my presence isn't really worth anyone's time, and I've sat at my window long enough to see that he's moving along with his life as usual.

I know this because I can't sleep—

Not after what happened the other day.

The older man keeps worming his way into my mind like an unwanted parasite - the feeling of his heavier body pinning me there--

Thinking about it again isn't helping at all.

I've sat and watched the other boy's house like a weirdo as a way to distract myself from my thoughts or to pass the time, occasionally hearing laughter from the windows or brief shouts from an argument that I couldn't quite figure out the context for.

Sometimes I even got to watch as he sat down on the porch to smoke, a tired and sad look on his face.

I wondered what put it there.

I know I sound like a creep, watching my neighbor and his house, but I just didn't have anything better to do. It was either that or wallowing in the memories of the men who've touched me, and I'd rather not deal with those at the moment.

The reason I've locked myself away is because I've gotten bad again, having scrubbed myself raw in the shower and wearing the baggiest clothes that I own to hide in. I need them to cover me because now I'm positive there's no one I can trust.

Everyone I meet will want to use me for themselves.

Maybe it's me after all - maybe I'm the problem.

"It's obvious what you've been through."

I shiver at the echo of the therapist's words, hoping with everything in me that he's wrong.

I don't want anyone to know... it's my secret, and I hope to hold onto it for the rest of my life.

My mom shouted and screeched at my door the first couple of days, telling me to get out of there right this second young man, but I hardly listened to her as I curled up with a blanket pulled over my head.

My dad even came up to tell me how much trouble I'm in, threatening to get a locksmith to come and unlock the door. I doubted he'd actually do it, so I just stayed silent and didn't move.

So far, I'm right.

No one would care if I starved to death or withered away to nothing. My parents would finally be free of me, Gray could find a new friend who isn't as rude and unappreciative as I am, and people will stop being seduced.

My stepbrother had told me before that he would've been a completely normal person if I hadn't entered his life, and now I'm starting to believe him.

There's no other reason for two men to have done what they did to me, right? It must've been because I'm broken and tempted them somehow...

It must be my fault.

The urge to kill myself is stronger than ever before, and the only reason I haven't yet is because I'm too much of a coward to do it.