Queen of Air and Darkness

xii. the drink was yours, and you could give it up. but-

They rode out the day after Sakura got out of the hospital. The sun shone high and the journey was demanding, but without the breakneck pace that haunted their arrival. But Kakashi was glad when the desert city finally faded behind them into the horizon. Kakashi was a man-made for the cool shadows of a forest, and in the desert, he simply felt too exposed. He had been away from Konoha for too long.

Much like the endless heat of the sun inflicting burns on the back of his neck; worry had come to fester within Kakashi. He had not troubled his companions with it; it was too likely that Kakashi's instincts were merely overreacting. It was better to allow the rest of the guard to relax on the ride home, having enjoyed their foreign adventure and with the exception of Izumo, avoided mortal peril.

He did not share his concerns that the attack on Izumo was unrelated to the Akatsuki. Instead, he doubled his men on their watch and reminded them that bandits roamed these woods. That first attack had done enough to rile everyone's nerves up and a jumpy guard could be worse than complacent one.

Compounding on his woes was the silence from Konoha. Shortly after their departure all messages from Tsunade and the castle had stopped. Although Tsunade was not an overbearing commander, she usually expected regular reports and replied in kind. Over the last four years, they had developed an easy rapport, and he had assumed that she would do him the courtesy of keeping him abreast of the goings-on at home. For the first few days, she had done just that. Then, shortly before the attack on their camp, she had fallen silent. Now, this close to the date of their return, it was more than a lapse in communication, it was a lapse in duty. He should know what kind of a situation he was walking into, as Knight-Commander of the castle guard and as a knight close to the regent.

In the quiet days of Sakura's healing, his concern had grown fully into dread. It had been too volatile in Konoha when they left, with too many players in place. Naruto and Sasuke's arrival had created an undercurrent of tension, just waiting to wreck the quiet machine of governance that kept Konoha stable and running.

The possibility that their messages were being intercepted had crossed his mind, and accordingly, he had been careful with what details of the Akatsuki attack he had put to paper. He could not risk revealing to some eavesdropper what Sakura was capable of. He had known she studied sorcery, had seen her power at work in her healing. But to singlehandedly take down a member of the Akatsuki....

If he felt guilty that he was not preparing the guards under his command for the situation at home, it was nothing compared to the well of regret that bubbled up within at the sight of Sakura. If she knew that Tsunade had stopped all communication the worry would make her sick. It was too great a burden to bear, for all that she insisted that she was fully healed, Kakashi knew she needed more rest.

But he would tell her, he silently swore. If she asked.

It was impossible to separate the blame he felt at his silence from the tangled mess that his emotions had become every time he caught sight of the pink-haired squire. That he had put her in danger, that he had allowed her to be injured, that he had so much as touched her, let alone kissed-

No, those thoughts he had to banish. That part of their relationship had to stop, immediately. Sakura had been under his command when she was a page, and the distance of years from that time to now was not enough to justify this new shape to their relationship. He could care for her, certainly, but the transgressions he had been ready to make in the cave were unforgivable.

The irony was not lost on him that they had left Konoha in just such a state, with the exact same in Kakashi's heart. But they had been in danger in Sungakure, and mortal peril had a way of weakening resolve. This time, he swore to himself he would not be a burden to her.