Stray Kids Oneshot - Suffering

1

⚠️SELF HARM⚠️

⚠️BULIMIA⚠️

"Y/N-ah!" A familiar voice yelled from the other side of the apartment

Me: "Yes Hyunjin?!"

Hyunjin: "Let's go get ice cream!"

I heard footsteps going towards the room I was in and keys jingling. Hyunjin opened the door and poked his head inside. I chuckled at his cuteness.

Me: "Okay, let me change first."

He nodded and closed the door behind him as he walked away. I got up and quickly changed into a hoodie and sweatpants since it was cold outside. I walked out the room and walked to the living room, spotting Hyunjin on his phone. He looked up at me and got up, going towards the front door, me following after him.

As we got in the car, I asked him questions to keep away from the awkward silence. (CaW cAw CaW)

Me: "How have you been these days, Hyunjin?"

Hyunjin: "I've been great, how about you?"

Me: "I'm doing fine."

I lied. I was never doing fine. I'm always suffering.

Me: "How have you been feeling? it's been a few months since you've talked to me about your problems."

A few months ago, I've noticed that Hyunjin was distancing himself from the group. I was afraid that he was feeling the same thing I was, loneliness. I asked him about it and I was right. He broke down infront of me, telling me that he felt like he wasn't enough.

Being depressed myself, I know what it feels like, so I obviously comforted him, telling him that everything was going to be okay because I'll be with him every step of the way. Soon enough, he was back to his normal self. I've been in pain for so long that I know every fake smile and can see small changes in someone.

Hyunjin: "I've been doing amazing ever since I talked to you. I can't thank you enough for helping me."

Me: "No need to thank me, it's what friends are for."

We soon got to the ice cream shop and went inside.

Worker: "Hello! What could I get for you today?"

Hyunjin: "I would like vanilla."

Hyunjin looked at me

Me: "I'll get strawberry."

She scooped out the ice creams and put them into a small bowl. We paid her and went back into the car. Since Hyunjin was driving, I had to feed him. Every once in a while, I would eat my ice cream too but was mostly feeding Hyunjin. As we got back home (yes they live together), I noticed Jeongin was a bit upset.

Me: "Jeongin, what's wrong?" I asked with full concern in my voice.

Jeongin: "You guys didn't take me with you to go get ice cream." He pouted.

I cooed at him and handed him my barely eaten ice cream.

Me: "You can have mine."

He smiled brightly and took the offer, eating away happily. I laughed at how adorable he was.

Me: "And you said I shouldn't baby you too much."

Jeongin just rolled his eyes and continued eating. I made my way to the bathroom and locked the door. I turned on the sink to create noise. I walked over to the toilet, dropping down to my knees and pushing two fingers to the back of my throat. I gagged but kept going, trying to throw back up the ice cream that I ate. I felt my eyes getting watery and the back of my throat going raw from the snatching of my nail.

Once I threw up the ice cream, I flushed the toilet, breathing heavily and getting up. I put my hand under the cold water, washing my face and rinsing my mouth. I turned off the faucet and made my way to my room. As soon as I closed the door, I locked it and slid down, crying my eyes out.

"Why does my life have to be like this?! Why?! Why can't I have a normal life where everything is happy?! Why can't I ever be happy?! Everyone else is having the time of their lives while I'm here suffering!" I thought to myself as I tried my best to keep my cries quiet but let out small sobs here and there. I covered my mouth and tried not to sniff too loud.

"I'm so weak. I'll never be enough. Nobody loves me, that all hate me. They hate me with all their guts. Why can't I understand that I'm a burden? I'm a burden to everyone! I'm just a waste of space! Nobody really loves me, they're all lying because they feel bad for me.

"That's right. Nobody loves you. You're weak. You should just go kill yourself, you're wasting oxygen. You don't deserve anything, all you deserve is to be dead. Just die already." The voice told me. It's been so long, I'm actually starting to believe it, that's why I'm so insecure and so afraid to let it all out. I'm afraid someone would judge me and leave me all alone when I need them the most.

I ran my hand through my hair as I cried to myself. I slowly got up and went to my bed, sitting on it. I tried to wipe my tears but it was no use as more tears kept falling down my face. I crouched down under my bed, pulling out a razor. I laid a few napkins on the ground to catch the blood that falls on the ground.

Pulling back my hoodie sleeve and pulling down my sweatpants, I lightly glided the razor across my wrist, which was already filled with scars.

"I should just do my thigh, it's less noticeable.." I thought to myself. I pulled my sleeve back up and looked at my thigh. It was a new canvas I could draw on.

I pressed down harshly on my thigh with the razor. I pulled it across the left side to the right side, watching as the blood started seeping out of the fresh wound. It took away the pain for a second but the pain came back...so I cut again..and again...and again...before I knew it, my knee to the top of my thigh was covered in cuts.

I watched as the blood stained the white napkin on the floor. "It wasn't too bad, maybe I could do it again.." I thought to myself again and lifted my hand to make another cut but before the razor managed to touch my skin, there was a knock on the door.

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Please, if you ever feel like you're alone or ever feel like cutting, please talk to someone. My dms are always open. The thought are based off of my experience. No, I have never cut myself and you should never too. Imagine how Bang Chan would react and say. Please come talk to me if you don't have anyone, I'll try my best to help you. I love you guys so much ❤

Please message me if you feel this way

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