Mika's World

Chapter 18: Facing The Demons

"Sa-Sarah, I need you to cal-calm down", I stuttered. I was trying to get my thoughts together. Plus the slap dazed me for a second. "Why would you keep that from me?! I had a right to know!" Sarah yelled at me and jogged away into the parking lot. "You killed your pops?" Dylan asked. I glared at him and turned to see Jenifer standing by the mall doors. "Mika I'm sorry. It just slipped out. I didn't kno-" She started to say, but I bumped past her into the mall. I ran into bathroom and began to cry in one of the stalls. My head was spinning and I could hear voices racing through my mind. What did you do to our son?! My dad's voice echoed . Why did you kill my father?! Sarah's voice rang. Stop. Stop. Stop. I then took my hands away from my face to see that my palms were covered in blood. I could also see a pool of blood on the floor outside the door. Slowly, my hand pushed the door open to see my dad's dead body laying on the floor lifelessly. "You killed me", the corpse said and grinned at me. I felt myself trying to scream but I couldn't get anything out. My hands covered my eyes and I sank against the wall wailing. "Go away! Go away! Go away! You fuckkng bastard go away!" I screamed repeatedly. I felt hands grab arms and shake me aggressively. "Mika! Mika chill out man!" Dylan yelled as he grabbed me. I look up at him with tears streaming down my eyes. "Just make it stop. Please make it stop", I pleaded.
        Jenifer drove me home and we stayed silent the whole way there. We pulled up into the driveway and sat there for a moment. "I didn't know you hadn't told her", Jenifer finally said solemnly. I stared out the window still replaying the sight of my dad's corpse over and over again. My eyes started to water and I couldn't muster the words to say anything. "Mika, look at me. You have to know I would never do anything like that to hurt you or Sarah", Jenifer explained. "Mika you're my best friend. And seeing you like this scares me. I just want you to get better", she added. I could hear her choking up, but holding it together. It's almost as if my body wouldn't let me speak. The voices and the images were a loop in my mind. My mom then jogs out of the house and helps me out the car, putting my arm around her neck. "Thank you for bringing him home sweetie", She said to to Jenifer.
        Mom helps me to my bedroom and lays me on my bed. "Mika. Mika breathe baby, you're alright", My mom reassured me. I could hear her voice, but all I kept seeing was my dad's face. The moment I took his life. I've been trying to bury that image from my mind since it happened. But, it all came rushing back now. Why? Why can't I forget "Mom...I...I...can't stop seeing him. I just want it to be over", I whispered. I felt my mom sobbing on my back and held me close. "I'm here, we're going to get you help okay", she said softly. I began to cry with her. How could she help me? How could anyone help me?
      The next day my mom called her therapist that she's been going to recently to come to speak to me at the house. The two were talking down stairs while Troye and I were cuddling in my room. "I don't want to do this. They're going to think I'm crazy. Maybe I am", I said while laying my head on Troye's chest. "Baby, you're not crazy. The doctor is here to help you not to judge. How can you expect to get better if you do nothing about it?," Troye stated. "Well look at you being the voice of reason", I said with a chuckle. Troye sat up and held me close to him. "Seeing you in pain makes me feel helpless. Like I can't take away whatever is bothering you and make it alright. So you have to get better Mika. For me and for you", Troye said blissfully. He then kissed my forehead and left the room. For us huh? I then saw a woman with a fancy suit enter my room and pull up a chair next to my bed. "So you're the shrink I'm assuming", I said fiddling with my fingers. "Yes I'm Dr. Miyoung. I usually have sessions with your mother but she insisted on me seeing how you were doing", She explained. She had long dark hair, glasses, a notepad in her hand, and her suit was navy blue. "I feel like shit", I said depressingly. "Tell me about your panic attacks. Your mother said you experienced one yesterday", Dr. Miyoung asked. "I saw my dead father. So that was fun", I said weakly. "Is this the first time you've seen him?", she asked while scribbling notes on her notepad. "No...I've seen him a couple times. Then again I see a lot of things", I said reluctantly. "Really, what kinds of things?" The doctor asked. "Not exactly seeing things. I'm not schizophrenic, I know what I'm seeing isn't real. But, there are times where I let my daydreaming get away with me", I explained. Dr.Miyoung writes in her notes for a little while and then sets her pencil down. "So, my diagnosis so far is that you have post traumatic stress and maladaptive daydreams", She explained. "You got all of that from the little I told you?" I asked. "Well some insight from your mother helped. Honestly Mika, what you're going through won't go away over night. It may last a lifetime. But, there are ways to cope with it. One, is to not blame yourself. You did what you did to save your mother's life. So, I'm scheduling for you to have a meeting with me every week," Dr. Miyoung said. A therapist? Is this for real?
        Later that day, Troye drives me to Sarah's apartment so I can tell her what happened. "Let me go in with you. She might try to taze you," Troye said concerned. "She won't. I have to do this alone. She won't receive it well if I don't", I said. He kisses me and gives me a hug. "I'll be right here if you need me", he whispered in my ear. "Thanks babe", I said and make my way to her floor. I knocked on her door a couple times and was greeted to her in pink pajama pants and a tank top. She glared at me, but motioned for me to come in. I walk in and stand in the living room as she sits on the couch to listen. "I...killed our dad. And now I see him almost all the time", I started to say. Sarah nods but doesn't say a word. "He came looking for my mom and me. We tried to get him to leave, but he attacked her and I hit him over the head with a frying pan. He's dead because of me", I explained. Sarah's face remained blank and she didn't utter a word. She then stood up and started pacing around the room. "What a piece of shit. He...went looking for you and never even tried to visit me", she mumbled. "Sarah he was an abusive asswhole. You were better off not seeing that part of him", I reassured her. "I didn't get to see any part of him! It's like everything is about yo-....I'm always put on the back burner. My own mom doesn't even put me first. The people around you hate me. While we were struggling, he was there with you", Sarah ranted while holding back tears. "Well at least you don't have to see a therapist. She said I'm experiencing ptsd after an episode I had at the mall", I explained. Sarah stared at me and stopped pacing around the room. "Of course...poor Mika. You're always going through something. No matter if anyone else is...hurting", Sarah said now breaking down crying. I try to console her, but she quickly wiped her tears away and pushed me away. "You've...told me what I wanted to know. I know now and I'm okay with that. But, I need you to stay away from me for awhile. Until I'm ready. Not when you are",  Sarah said looking away from me. I held back my tears and just said "yes". With that, I left her apartment and I could hear a big crash, like something being thrown.