Stay Before I Go

Chapter 8: Blaming

When I got to the cabin, I saw my grandma crying in the front porch. I ran towards her and dropped my bag. I lifted up her face and hugged her. "What's wrong?" I asked. Then she pushed me away from her "It's your fault she got kidnapped!" She yelled while crying. My eyes widen, she pushed me? It's my fault. She's right, it is my fault. "I'm sorry." I said quietly. She scoffed and said "Your never sorry Alaska."

Then I felt my heart drop, she was right. She's finally saying the truth. But why does my heart hurt so much. My heart hurts, I can't cry. It hurts too much. I try holding back my tears, but my heart keeps hurting. It's begging for me to cry, to let it out. It feels like someone is stabbing my heart with a knife. It hurts! I can't hold it anymore. I felt my heart stop hurting and I can feel the water rushing down my cheeks. I felt so relieved. I can't feel the pain anymore. Water kept rushing down my face, uncontrollably. It felt like I was bleeding, but I was bleeding water instead.

I gasped for air, my lungs felt weird. I've never felt this feeling before. I noticed that my grandma was still here with me. She looked at me and said "Don't pretend to cry you pathetic piece of shit!" Then she slapped me. I fell on my knees and looked down. She lifted up my head and slapped me. I felt my cheek turn into pain then go completely numb. I didn't care anymore. I deserved the pain she's giving me. I felt my body turn lifeless. I could hear my heart beat like someone was counting. "1...2.....3....4...5" it kept going and so on.

Then I heard my grandpa scream at my grandma. "What do you think your doing to her?!" He yelled out loud while stoping her from hitting me. Then she started screaming back to him. I didn't care, I didn't listen to what she was saying. I was just listening to my heart beat. Then I felt my grandpa grab me and looked at me. "Are you okay?" He asked while looking at my red cheek and bruised knees. I didn't say anything. I don't want to talk. I want to sleep. I want to disappear. It's my fault she got kidnapped.

I nodded slowly and walked away from him and my grandma. I went inside the cabin and went straight to my room. I fell on my bed and started crying. Then I punched the wall and screamed in pain. Not from the punch but from the pain I was in. I screamed in pain because I wanted to be punished.

I collapsed on the floor and started kicking the wall. I cried and cried while kicking the door. "Why?!" I yelled while continuing to hit myself with the wall. I felt tears run through out my face. I wanted Rosie back. It's my fault. Then I passed out.

I woke up by the sound of my phone ringing. I got up from the hard floor and saw my phone next to me. I grabbed it and checked who It was. It was the police. I placed the phone on my ear and said "hello?" Then I heard a woman talk. "Are you Rosie's sister?" She asked in a calming voice. I yawned and said "Yes why?" I heard her take a deep breath and then she said "She was found dead and naked in the woods. She had been raped by multiple people from the looks of it. I am sorry for your lost."

Those words made me feel something that I haven't felt since my mom's suicide. I dropped the phone and heard the woman say something. But I didn't want to hear her. I grabbed the phone and ended the call. I felt my heart stop and my breath stop breathing from my lungs. It's like if everything around my body stopped working for a moment.

I gasped for air but I couldn't feel the air. There was no air. I wanted to cry. But I couldn't. Then I felt a tear drop from my eyes slowly. It felt like I was in slow motion. It felt like someone was choking me. Then that's when it hit me. I felt all the tears drop rapidly. They wouldn't stop. I couldn't express myself. I yelled in pain and cried. I felt my throat get dry and my chest started to hurt. I yelled for the pin to go away but It wouldn't.

"Why?!" I cried out loud while kicking the wall again. Then my door opened and I turned around. I saw my grandpa it looked like he was crying, he knew. "It's my fault isn't it?" I said while crying uncontrollably. He shook his head slowly and came towards me to hug me. "Don't touch me." I said in a soft voice. "It's not your fault Alaska." He said while trying to hug me. I kept crying and said "Stop! Leave me alone!" I got up and ran outside.