Regret | YoongixMalereader | ✔

| 2 |

Suran and I went out from time to time when M/N had so much work to do that I couldn't be around the apartment. He needed space to yell if he couldn't understand what his professor said, so I gave him space. Too much space, that Suran became a part of my life again - dear I loved it at the time, but now that I look back at it, I hated the fact I listened to her and believed that I could see her at the same time as I was with M/N. 

How could I be so blind? So blind that I hurt the love of my life? 

One night, M/N came to my bar with his friends to celebrate that they had passed their History exam for the year. His friends knew that I owned a bar near the university so it was wonderful for them to go and get some free drinks. When they got there, I wasn't there to say hello - I was at the back with Suran flirting. Even when I'm thinking about it, I can feel the need to throw up. Suran's hand on my shoulder, my hand up against the wall blocking her from leaving the place. As stupid and blind I was back then, I still remember the moment the door when up to my office, a first happy M/N, then a heartbroken M/N stood in front of me and Suran. I remember how everything fell apart, the words Suran told me and then it was all about M/N and how our relationship might be over the moment he saw this. And he did, he walked out of the office - he didn't even give me a chance to explain.

Explain what? Why I cheated on him? With my ex-girlfriend who actually just wanted me to be straight "again", she wanted money and attention - she got it, now she thought she could be with me. But when M/N walked away from my office, I stepped away from her and ran after M/N to stop him. 
Stop him from what? From leaving me? When I was the one who started and ended the lie I had created. Why wouldn't he leave? I thought he would leave me, but he didn't.

The man loved me so much that he gave me a chance, and made himself "forget" everything I had done, but it only broke him even more. I tried to fix it, I tried I really did try. But whenever I looked at him and he looked at me, the pain just ran over his face, and the pain of seeing him in pain killed me inside and outside. 
He and I tried to lay next to each other, but every time I touched him. He just flinched and moved away from me, I knew it was my fault and I couldn't be mad at him. But dear I wanted to hold him like old times. 

Back then I thought nothing could be worse. I was wrong, someone had to ruin everything again. Suran. She made him lock himself up in the bathroom, she made him sit in the bathtub all cold and tired. But she only laughed when she saw his broken body. She wanted him gone, and sure she almost made him gone. If I never got home that day, my loved one would've been dead, cold and broken in my arms. He would've died that night. 

I never got to know what Suran really told him, but what I got to know is that it had broken M/N so much that he had to get help to move on. M/N would sit in the bedroom for hours every school, and when I would come home he would move to the extra bathroom or bedroom, just to get away. At night I would hear his screams and cries, he was so broken that he tried to drown himself in alcohol. It almost worked, if his brother Hoseok wasn't there. He would've died in his own brother's arms... 

I always knew this was my fault and not M/N's, but M/N often told other people it was his fault that I cheated on him, I would hear drunk clips of him saying: "I never made him happy, it's my fault not his", "He has the right to be with Suran-nonna. She's everything he wanted" or he would whisper: "My fault, not his" in his sleep. 

He was broken, and it wasn't his fault. It was mine, and I knew it...

M/N, I'm so fucking sorry... I broke you into pieces... I love and miss you so much...