Regret | YoongixMalereader | ✔

| 6 |

I remember how I spent the following days with my parents and my little brother. But I still wasn't okay, I would sleep next to my brother every night and hoped it would help for me not to cry, it ended up that I had to tell my family why I would walk out of the house in the middle of the night, just to let out the screams and cries I had kept inside the whole day. My mom tried to hold in her tears, my dad hugged me like crazy as my brother just sat there and said nothing. I knew he felt sad for me, sad the I couldn't be happy again after M/N died. My little brother and M/N knew each other at some point, before I moved away from Daegu I invited M/N home to meet my parents and my little brother loved him. M/N helped him with some of the topics in school that he couldn't figure out. He was just a small kid back then, and now he's almost in college.

Every night I remembered how I broke M/N, every night I remembered M/N in the bathtub and how he looked like in the coffin before he got burned. Beautiful yet so broken, I'll forever love him.
Not until the day I die, but even after I die. I'll see him in the afterlife and tell him how sorry I'm for breaking him. I knew if I ever saw him in the afterlife, he would look like an angel - like he always does when he smiles. 

I went home without Hoseok and his boyfriend's help, I said goodbye to my family and told them: "I love you, I hope to see you when I'm better" And left. Just as I got back to the apartment I locked myself in again, never let in anyone. If I ever walked out of the house it was to buy something to eat. I went into my room and felt how almost every part of my body relaxed, it was like M/N still was in the room. I pulled out a big box, and started to put things inside it - I knew time wasn't on my side this time. At all.

I closed the box and dressed up so that I could go to the main house, I dropped off the box and went back to the apartment. I wanted to tell my loved ones that I wasn't getting better, that time wasn't with me. I looked at my bed and imagined M/N waiting for me, how he would be half asleep as I got home from work before I cheated on him with Suran. He would smile at me and tell me to clean up and get into bed. So I did it, I cleaned my face, clothes and walked into the bed, I imagined how M/N would look into my eyes and smile. The beautiful smile I hadn't seen for so long that I almost forgot what it looked like. He never smiled at me when he was here, I bet he's in the afterlife with the brightest smile ever. He would stand in the kitchen making coffee for me every morning, he would smile whenever I stopped working to cuddle with him or whenever I gave him flowers. He loved it, just like I loved him. 

And now I'm laying in bed, maybe for the last staring at M/N's stuffed animal. I close my eyes but I never fall asleep I just lay there with closed eyes and wait for me to sleep and dream about M/N. I don't know how long I've been laying here, but when I open my eyes it's 3:10 AM and I'm really tired yet I can't sleep. I sit up and turn on the TV in front of me to watch M/N's favourite movies, I remember how I made a playlist on Netflix of all of his favourite movies - whenever he was sad and needed to escape from the world then I had this ready. I imagine him sitting between my legs almost asleep. As I'm watching the movies I feel how my eyes are closing, how my breathing is slowing down, how my body finally relaxes. My grip on the stuffed animal tightens. 

I close my eyes with a soft smile on my face, he wants me to let go of the guilt and be free again... So I let go.