Regret | YoongixMalereader | ✔

| 3 |

I remember how I stepped away from M/N for a few moments just for him to breathe after he almost died, I guess it made him believe it was his fault even more. Hoseok told me that M/N cried the days I stayed at a small hotel near our apartment, Hoseok told me how M/N laid in our bed with one of his favourites hoodies that I owned and still own today. Broken M/N would wake up in the middle of the night, having nightmares of me and Suran being together. He would cry and scream, so Hoseok would wake up and run into our bedroom to hold him in his sleep. When I found out how things were after I gave him time to breathe, I quickly left the hotel to go back to our apartment to find him passed out in the kitchen up against the cabinet doors. 

I remember how cold he was, no socks but short shorts and a hoodie was what kept him a type of warm. It broke my heart even more... I thought after that moment he would let me be near, but it was like his body rejected my touch. He would still flinch whenever I tried to touch him. The only form for touch I could do was laying my arm on top of his blanket, I could never touch his skin or hair. It was like he was afraid of me, and it broke me into pieces. But I deserved it, I deserved to feel the guilt eating me up after breaking the only person who truly loved me.

I remember one weekend where he went out and came back Monday morning, he smelt like smoke and alcohol. He wasn't drunk or high he just smelt like normal cigarettes, it confused me because he once told me that he hates people who smoke. And then he came home with packs of cigarettes in his pockets. When I asked why he had them he just told me: "I bear with the pain, that's why..." That morning I hadn't heard his voice for weeks, he never spoke to me. I only heard his screams or cries, never his voice - his screams and cries were his broken words that he couldn't tell me. 

Hoseok, his older brother tried not to hate me - but every time he came by I felt how he wanted to beat me up, but he couldn't - it would only break M/N, M/N told him not to beat me up even if I deserved it. Instead, Hoseok would tell me every time he saw me: "If you EVER break my brother again, I don't care if he cries or people are watching I'll kill you"
At first, I was scared, Hoseok as angry was everything I never wanted to see or feel. And today I'm still scared of his angry persona. 

I thought after months and months of being by M/N's side would make him feel better. But no and yes, he cried less but never smiled - at all... I tried everything I could to make him feel better, but he was so broken that he couldn't be fixed. He even said it himself the day Hoseok came by and asked how he felt, he only said with a tired voice: "I cry less, but I can't be fixed - but anymore, not ever" It made Hoseok break down in tears, Hoseok's boyfriend had to make him calm down. I stood outside the bedroom with tears down my face, that moment is forever stuck in my mind. Forever... And ever.

Every day would tell M/N how much I loved and still love him, but whenever he looked into my eyes - the light and stars in his beautiful eyes were gone. Nothing but air and darkness. He was broken. And I couldn't fix him, even if I tried so hard every day, every hour, every minute and every second. I couldn't do anything...

And the day he left, was the day Suran secretly had stopped by our apartment to talk to either me or M/N, I never found out. But I did find out how she made him cry, she gave him the last beat inside that drove him off. She left the apartment, and M/N just stood there for minutes. The camera outside the apartment had caught Suran leave and M/N standing there. I could see the blank expression he had as he closed the door. And the thing I knew back then when I came home from work. 

He was cold, ice-cold... And this time he wasn't breathing.