Regret | YoongixMalereader | ✔

| 5 |

I knew that it would take me forever to get over this. If I get to get over this. How could I ever get for this? I lost M/N because of a mistake I made, I tried everything I could to make up for it. Yet Suran ruined it all and drove him to the end.

I spend a few months trying to get over him and get help, but nothing helped. I was alone, my friends tried to reach out to me, but I wouldn't let them in. I just couldn't, I tried a few times when I thought they wouldn't hate me after I told them why M/N died. But I pulled a joke on myself, of course, they would hate me. A cheating mistake is not something people easily forget and forgive. M/N tried but it only took another direction. Death.

I locked myself in and never let anyone come in. I slept less and cried more, I felt like I was M/N when he cried and screamed at night. How I wished he was by me but he wasn't. I wished I had him in my arms to feel the feeling of him loving me without my cheating in our life. But I made that cheating mistake. Dear, I wish I could go back and change...

Hoseok tried to get inside the apartment one time, but I didn't have the energy to stand up, I was so tired that I fell asleep on the floor in M/N's hoodie and stuffed bear in my hands. I lost so much weight, I was pale like paper and I looked like a dead person. 

One time Hoseok got the key to our or now mine alone apartment. He went in and saw a sort of clean apartment, everything was dark and when he went inside the bedroom and saw me looking lifeless. He said nothing but tried to help me, but I always told him: "Don't... Please, just leave - I can't be near anyone at all. I just need to be alone" I knew that if someone was near me I would kill them with pettiness and I never wanted that. Even his boyfriend tried to help, but I only pushed him away and said sorry every time. I just couldn't bring anyone into my life again. 

Even my mom and dad who was disappointed in me for not becoming a doctor texted me and said:
"Hey son, I know it's been so long since we last talked - but we're so sorry for not being your parents for so long. We've heard that M/N passed away, we're so sorry - we wished we were there to help you two out. Your brother is going to college soon, he wants to major in music and art like you once wanted. He misses you a lot, he was supposed to major in law but after your dad and I realised how bad we treated you, we felt like we were about to make the same mistake again with our second child. He's doing so great. 
He's a younger version of you, but still his own. I hope you want to see us one day when you need us. We love and miss you, love mom, dad and your little brother"

It made me cry that my parents and brother missed me. I missed them too and knew that if I never got better I wouldn't last so long. And wouldn't have time to see them again. So I packed my things and told them that I'm coming home for some time. I got help from Hoseok and his boyfriend to get to Daegu after years of being away.

When I got to Daegu my mom was in tears and I was in my dad's arms. My little brother had no idea that I was here yet, we told Hoseok and his boyfriend goodbye - and drove off to pick my little brother up from school. He was still in school at the time, so when I walked into his school to ask for permission to take him out of school for a few days, the principal only smiled and said yes. I remember his face when he came outside the lunch area with his friends, he was shocked at first but ran over to give me the biggest hug. He was so happy that he cried. 

I knew that it was hard for him not to see me for years, but him in my arms, were everything he needed at that moment.