I've Changed

28. feel dead

~~~~

Jae's pov

"She doesn't deserve them."

"You love her?...We'll see."

"You don't want the love of your life to know."

"He has no idea?"

"You tell him the truth."

Years of memories flash through my head, and in an instant, they're gone.

Stupid.

I'm stupid like she says I am.

Give up, Ellie's voice echoes.

Did she know this whole entire time? Was she warning me all along?

No.

It's not possible because when I redirect my focus, she's just as startled as I am.

"What?" I say.

It comes out barely audible but everyone must've heard it.

"You did what?" I look at my girlfriend, and the guilty-ridden expression tells me all that I need to know.

I chuckle. Speechless is what I am.

"Wait—Jae," she approaches.

I take a step back.

I don't pay too much attention on the reactions of my friends or, the entire school population even, because they're clearly just as shocked as I am.

It's evident in the way they simply stare with widened eyes or open mouths.

It's embarrassing.

They watched me cherish—no. They watched me deal with the constant bullshit and heartbreak. It was not like I cared about their opinions. I didn't, because I thought I loved—

"Jae, don't listen—"

"You cheated," it's no longer a question but a statement. And as she looks back at me with no remorse whatsoever, I realize how true everything is. 

"I-I need..." I take a deep breath. It feels like I'm going insane. "I-I need some air," I stumble in between the crowds, desperate to get myself out of there. I can't think or see straight when I am.

My vision blurs with years worth of what? Betrayal? Lies?

I don't know anymore.

The cold air is what wakes me up. It whips by my face and causes my tears to burn against my cheeks.

A reality check if you must say.

"Jae, listen to me."

Of course she followed. It's what she does best. She always has to get the last word in. She always has to win our arguments.

She has no consideration of my feelings. All she does is manipulating me into thinking that she does.

"How can I possibly listen to you when all you do is lie?" She goes silent."How long Cassidy?"

"I—"

"HOW LONG?" I never raise my voice, especially to her. But now, it's different.

I'm angry. Sad. Ridiculed.

"It was an accident."

What an excuse?

I scoff, "An accident, my ass—stop lying to me and tell me the truth for once!"