I've Changed

28. feel dead

Jae's pov

"She doesn't deserve them,"

"She deserves to feel what you did,"

"You love her?...We'll see"

"You don't want the love of your life to know,"

"he has no idea?"

"Cassidy's actions are...permanent."

"You tell him the truth"

These are the thoughts that are running around in my head as I realise how naive and clueless I was. All this time, I've been returning to the one person I felt I loved, but everything has been ripped away from me. The anger and heartbreak I feel at the thought that the one person who I thought cared and loved me would do such a cruel thing. I consider all of the things I may have done to hurt her, but my mind keeps repeating itself.

"I cheated on you with Cassidy"

"What?" I murmur, watching as everyone's gaze is drawn to me, causing my pulse to race, my stomach to twist, and my head to spin in all directions. My gaze flits between Aaron, who has a smug smile on his face, and Cassidy, who has a guilty stare. She approaches me and places her hand on my bicep, but I brush it off, furrowing my brows and evaluating her face to see if it's true. I take another step back, slipping from my foot, after she shamefully looks away with her head down.

"You did what?" I barely say in a whisper.

"Jae don't lis-"

"Cassidy, you cheated..." When I notice how many people have vanished around us, my voice chokes in my throat. I begin to experience burning sensations in my veins, our memories flashing before my eyes, my body releasing its weight as I become numb all over. My breathing becomes more difficult, my vision blurs as my head spins in circles, leaving me dizzy, cold sweat drips down my forehead, and my heart breaks into bits as I stare at the one person I thought loved me.

"JaeJae," I hear Theo's distant voice, but when I turn to face him, my mind goes absolutely blank.

"I-I need..." I take a deep breath and shake my head because my thoughts are fuzzy, but I can get it out. "I-I need some-" My mind and body are completely unconscious as I make my way through the party, barely finishing my sentence. I stumble through the crowds, trying to stay alert, but the distinct smell of alcohol and marijuana distracts me. I squint my eyes, trying to see where I'm going, but all I see is a blur. I close my eyes tightly shut, and the first thing I see when I open them is myself outside in the front yard catching my breath. Due to the cold temperatures in December, I'm inhaling air that burns my lungs. I could barely hold myself together, my face burning from the hot tears streaming down my cheeks.

"Jae listen to me"

"How could I possibly listen to you when you just tell lies?" I retort, mindful of my raised tone."How long Cassidy?"

"I-"

"HOW LONG?" I yell as Cassidy takes a step forward, but I quickly back away because I don't want her to get too close to me.

"It was an accident," she mumbles, tears streaming down her cheeks as she looks down at the ground.

I roll my eyes and say, "An accident, my ass." "Stop lying to me and tell me the truth for once!"

"It started in first year"

"What?" My heart breaks even more as I watch her slowly raise her head to meet my eyes, but I quickly turn away, not wanting to see her face in my mind again. "How-we"

"It happened once in first year, but then it-it was random after that," she says, and I'm suddenly filled with anger and frustration from head to toe. My body is dying with each word she says, and all I can think about is the relentless pain and pressure on my heart.

"I'm confused as to how you can say it was random. I stayed loyal to you because I believed I could be a better person for you and us, and now you're telling me you were sneaking off with Aaron the whole time "I shout at the tears streaming down my cheeks, making me taste the salty tears from trying to explain my feelings to her.

"Are you saying that every time you fly to Toronto, it's not just for your internship, but to see Aaron as well?" I'm hoping she'll say no because my mind and body can't bear any more of her heartbreak.

"Are you serious?" As I watch her resist admitting the truth, my voice trails off. Her eyes well up with tears, her body trembling from the cold, and her guilty expressions that I could see from afar. "I can't believe I did anything for you; I even tried to improve myself for you."

"But the thing is, Jae, you weren't doing it for me," she snarls, her eyes filled with rage and resentment.

"After three years, you believe everything I've done for you and our relationship has been pointless?" I scoff as I watch her take a step back and lower her head. "You motivated me every day to become the man I am today, and you said I wasn't doing it for you. Every single day and breath I took was spent checking in on you, seeing how you were doing, caring for you, and to love-"

"JAE, YOU DON'T FUCKING LOVE ME," she yells, making me flinch at her sudden anger and sorrow. Though my mind tells me to console and hug her, all I see is a cheater and a liar, her cheeks red and her eyes puffy from tears streaming down her face. What I see is someone holding my heart in their hands and crushing it over and over again.

"You don't love me..."

"You love Ellie"

My body stiffens, my breath becomes laboured, my pulse slows, and my body relaxes. I furrow my brows instead of looking at Cassidy, who has the same brown eyes as Ellie but aren't as bright or honey-colored. Her lips aren't as plump and luscious as Ellie's. Ellie's effortless waves and volume are much superior to her short brow hair. Her petite body isn't as toned and curvy as Ellie's, her height is an inch shorter, her style is entirely different, her nose is pointed upwards, and her attitude and demeanour aren't as calm, hardworking, courageous, and intense as Ellie's. All of these things that I've overlooked come flooding back to me as Cassidy isn't my Ellie.

"Cassidy," Aaron says, pulling her back inside as I remain motionless, my eyes partially open and my breathing stopped. I watch as he pulls her back into the building, her body facing mine, as she watches my reaction to her words. I clench my jaw and hands from the amount of rage and pain I've inflicted on myself as an evil and triumphant grin approaches her lips.

When I look down at the ground, I note that there is a light covering of snow on it, and I can feel the snap of it with each step I take. As my teeth chatter from the sheer nerves and anger, I look down at my hands and realize the redness as well as how numb and cold they are. When it comes to the stinging pain and numbness spreading across my body, I start to notice where I am and what I'm doing, but I can't feel anything else.

As the thoughts begin to swim in my mind, I continue to look at my hands, thinking about the burning feelings of annoyance and humiliation. The feeling of self-hatred washed over me because I knew I deserved it. I deserve this dying pain in my heart, the ability to not see or hear the voices of those I care for, to feel the constant pain and misery, to feel the need to flee and give up, to stop anything and prevent my emotions and memories from repeating themselves. But, as much as I want to put an end to it, I already...feel dead.

"Jae," I hear as she slowly encircles my hands in hers and tilting my head to look at her. Ellie lifts her head to meet my eyes, but I avert my gaze so as not to expose my weakness and embarrassment to her. I feel her crawl her hands up my arm, causing a warm chill to rise all over my body, contracting the cold temperature. She takes my face in her warm hands, drawing my gaze to her brown eyes, which sparkle in the light reflected off the snow.

"Let's go," she says quietly, smiling sheepishly as she takes my hand and leads her to her car. I reluctantly follow her, watching as she unlocks her car and gestures for me to take the passenger seat. As she sits in the driver's seat, I round the vehicle. "You'll be okay," she says as she wipes a tear from my cheek before starting the car and heading home.