I've Changed

19. dior

~~~~

"Is there a reason as to why you're telling me these humiliating stories about yourself?" I ask, genuinely confused to his persistence.

"Well, I've humiliated you enough. I thought it's my turn now," I observe the smirk as he drives.

"I don't think I'd benefit from knowing you peed your pants at thirteen," The truth hurts yet it makes the both of us laugh.

"To be fair, no one knows because who the fuck pees their pants at thirteen?" he makes fun of him which influences me to do so too.

"I know someone...you."

His face drops but I don't stop there.

"I should tell Theo."

He desperately shakes his head, "Don't you dare. He'll tell the rest of the team."

"Makes it even more tempting," I say as he pulls up to the front entrance of my building. He puts the car in park and relaxes after a lengthy drive which, by the way, I'm fathomed about.

I find the amount of effort unbelievable, and slightly ridiculous. He texted me one evening about his plan, suggesting I'd get some rest and be ready early in the morning. Then he followed it up with a time and advised me to wear something warm.

I, of course, was not waiting for him at 4 am. I simply couldn't sleep—insomnia does that to you—and was busy with work and assignments or so I tell myself.

Him filling in the empty hours was...convenient perse. It distracted me from the reminiscing because all of the work and assignments I just mentioned were already completed. I was re-reading them out of boredom.

Besides the point, my previous intention was to go on this outing and dig up some intel. I was curious for a mixture of reasons. One being his desperation, the other being his girlfriend. How is she able to keep up with the facade? And how does she make everyone believe it? Except, I can't say much myself since I'm just as fake and shallow. At least it's not on purpose. I have the trauma and an agreement to back it up—which reminds me.

"Aren't you supposed to be with your girlfriend? She won't be too fond of this." This being us together. There's nothing illegal about it but the intent is there. I promised to never ever get involved with him again because it'd start problems that didn't exist. Nonetheless, I allowed him to drag me outside and eat breakfast with the sunrise as entertainment.

Am I attached to the past? Yes.

Yes, because I currently live in a repetitive cycle of trauma and hurt, and am absolutely tired of it.

"Please don't get mad," he starts, "but I originally planned today as an opportunity for you and Cassidy to work stuff out. I brought it up to her in advance and she said she'll think about it. After learning what she did to you, I now understand."

"And what is it you understand?" I ask in a monotone voice.

"She has ghosted me since then. She probably knows deep down it won't ever work out so she resorted to ignoring the problem."

I don't mean to express my frustration yet I do so by scoffing out loud.

"She's usually not like this," he awkwardly chuckles. "Since we've returned from Alberta, she's changed. I don't know what happened."

I get lost in my thoughts momentarily. I'm quite relieved that she's fulfilling her end of my request at the same time, it causes me to suspect.

Paranoia hits me unexpectedly, to a point where I must check outside the windows for potential inside sources, spies, cameras—anything that will twist the truth.