I've Changed

62. It's been fun

Jae's pov

She's ignoring us.

Everyone, including myself and Sofie, begged her to explain what she meant when she stated, "I have to go." As soon as Malcom threw us out because it was too much for Ellie, the thought stuck in my thoughts and I couldn't sleep.

She would not admit to us the reason she was leaving us, her home, and me, no matter what we did or said to her.

It wasn't until I saw her expression, which told me she didn't have a choice and had already made a decision, that I stopped asking her questions. I want what's best for her, and I'll be happy for her if she feels it's leaving. But, because I'm selfish, I don't want her to leave. I don't want her to be separated from me, where I'll be worried and stressed about whether she's okay, if she's happy, whether she's healthy, safe, and unhurt.

I'm not sure what I'd do if she left me. If she left me alone with my fears of losing her and never seeing her again. I'd already lost her once, and I was on the verge of losing her again, but now it's happening: she's gone.

I don't want to consider the various interpretations of what she means when she says, "I have to go, and maybe you'll know soon." It's so vague, but it tells me all I need to know: she's leaving, and she's moving to where? I'm not sure.

I'm not going to let her go since I love her so much. I'm willing to accompany her anywhere she chooses to travel or live. I'd give up everything to be by her side and with her, but I have a feeling that's not going to happen. "She probably doesn't want me" and "she doesn't love me," I've been telling myself since I left her place yesterday, but I shrug such thoughts aside. I try to.

If it's real, if she doesn't love me, it'll kill me. Despite the fact that she said she's in love with me, that I saved her life, and that she forgives me, it feels like she's pushing me away after all this time. Malcom told me it's what's best for her, and if she believes it'll help her get better, I'll back her up in any decision she chooses.It will hurt me to see her leave, to see her move away the only place I feel safe, which is in her arms.

I'm convinced in myself and in her that she can improve and that she can accomplish anything she sets her mind to. I'm certain that I want her to stay and be my life's love. I'll wait for her as long as it takes for me to become hers and for her to become mine. One of these days.

She'll truly be the only one I want and to love for my whole entire life... forever.

I take a deep breath and gently knock on her door, hoping to catch a glimpse of her before she goes, whenever that may be. I'm going to attempt to be with her every day, holding her in my arms, until she leaves, so it'll be easier for me to let her go when she does. I hope.

"Oh god," Malcom opens the door, his eyes wide. I furrow my brows as he leaves the door open for me to come in, then rushes into the kitchen, pacing back and forth between the sink and the oven in a couple of seconds.

"Are you all right?" I enter, closing the door behind me as I take a glance around the very quiet space. I take a seat near the island and watch as Malcom comes to a halt and twists his body to face me, but his gaze wanders elsewhere.

"What are you doing here?" Malcom takes a look around, washing down the kitchen's marble countertop and straightening the crooked knickknacks.

"I've come to meet Ellie..." When I look down the hall, I see her bedroom door wide open, which confuses me because she never leaves it open. This is the first time I've ever seen it open. My stomach drops and my worry builds as I gently turn my head to Malcom, who has a guilty expression on his face. "She didn't-"