The light within -Snupin-

Chapter 5

'Moony, what was that all about?' Sirius grunted when he got pulled away from Severus.

'I was about to let him meet my fist,' Remus couldn't help but laugh a bit at this comment. They didn't have any classes for the day and the friend group settled down in the common room in front of the fire for homework.

Well, at least Remus was doing his assignments. James and Sirius were joking around while Peter just pretended to study but he could see the porn magazine hidden behind the book in front of his face. Peter adjusted his sitting position, probably trying to hide the growing erection.

'Just give him a break alright?' James stopped laughing and looked at Remus through splitted eyes.

'Give him a break? C'mon he deserves it all.' Remus didn't know what to say because of course he didn't want to get into a fight with his best friends.

'Are you seriously defending him?' Sirius added to the statement James already made. Remus rolled his eyes at them but decided not to argue with them any further.

'Whatever guys. I'm going to take a nap.' He stood up from the couch and gathered his stuff for Herbology.

He walked in his room that was currently empty. He sighed and tossed his stuff on the bed. School could really be exhausting if you didn't try your best. He gave his owl a pet on his head which gave him an idea. Severus didn't want to talk to him but maybe if he wrote a letter, he may accept his request. He found some parchment and a quill.

Snape

I know you don't want to talk about what happened. If you change your mind then meet me at the Astronomy Tower after curfew. Please think about it.

(Don't worry I'll come alone. Promise)

Remus Lupin

He wanted to use Snape's front name but decided to play in the safe field. He didn't want him to get angry and not show up. Remus hesitated for a while before tying the letter to the owl and sending him to Snape, hoping for the best.

Severus was devastated by what had happened but at the same time, he felt happy. Happy that Remus finally got the courage to stand up for Severus. He still had his doubts about Lupin because he can't just forget the 6 years of bullying and Remus who just watched. He sighed and closed his eyes while turning on his back on the bed. He still wanted to end everything even after he was saved by Lupin. He had convinced himself that it must have been a sign but deep down he knew it was just pointless. His entire life revolves around literally nothing. He had no idea what he wanted to do after school because he simply didn't see a future for himself.

The only thing that could make Severus smile was thinking about death. About being free from all worries, responsibilities, bullying, everything. It felt like he was stuck in this bottomless hole. The days melted in weeks and in months but nothing changed. It felt like he was in some kind of everyday routine and like he was on autopilot: Standing up, school, eating and sleeping. No matter what he did, it was always the same.

Nothing could give him excitement and he wasn't looking forward to something like he used to.

Better said....he felt empty. Like someone cut in his stomach and took away his organs. He gave up trying to stand up for himself, winning Lily over and getting good grades. What if he decided to keep on living? What could possibly be there for him?

Severus searched for the thing that released him from all the stress. He had promised himself and Dumbledore to stop. Dumbledore already thought he stopped but he never actually did. Well, he tried but always relapsed sooner or later. Severus never knew why it was such a big deal for people. It wasn't like he was going to die from it and not that someone cares if he was. Dumbledore acted like he cared but Severus knew that he only used him for his own gain.

He pulled open one of the drawers and found the small bag. He left his room to find a bathroom because he didn't want to be disturbed by anyone. Severus locked the door and opened the zipper of the bag, carefully grabbing the razorblade. He sighed when he looked at it. He knew that this was wrong and not the right choice but it didn't matter at the moment. Not right now.

Those were not his worries and Severus will keep pushing them away until he can't anymore. Severus lowered himself onto the ground with his back against the cold wall and his legs pushed against his belly. It made him feel safe.

His hand was shaking while he brought it closer to the pale skin on his wrist. His vision was blurry by the tears he was holding back. Snape refused to let the tears free because his father said it made you weak and boys aren't supposed to cry.

Deep down, he also knew that cutting was weak but it was an exception for him because he can't live without it. It was the only way to find release of all the stress and feelings hidden inside him that was pushed down.

The shaky hand with the blade between two fingers made its way in his skin. He dragged it across the flesh a few times and after a while, his whole left arm was filled with red cuts. The red liquid started dripping and the skin was burning and getting red around the wounds. These were deeper than normal and Severus had to take extra care for them. He didn't want to end up in the hospital wing and explaining himself to Madam Pomfrey.

Severus had done this so many times, his left wrist was becoming numb from the pain. He didn't feel as much as he used to and it scared him a bit. What if it became completely numb and then he won't feel the pain he needed anymore. He would have to go to other body parts but that's something he didn't want to do.

He felt alone and hopeless. Nobody was looking for him and nobody cares. He is unworthy of love and would never be capable of loving someone else. He isn't going to be successful in life and he is going to die alone with no purpose.

Not a single person could love this hideous monster. The snarky, unpopular and unattractive Slytherin. Severus wanted nothing more than to end his life.

He got up from his position and muttered a spell to clean himself and the bathroom tiles off. He took a deep breath before walking out.

An owl tapping on the window in his dormitory grabbed his attention. He opened the window to let the unfamiliar owl in.

'Hi little guy,' Severus said while ignoring the painful burns from his wrist. The owl stuck out his leg to show the little note attached to it.

Snape

I know you don't want to talk about what happened. If you change your mind then meet me at the Astronomy Tower after curfew. Please think about it.

(Don't worry I'll come alone. Promise)

Remus Lupin

Severus sighed, not knowing if Lupin was serious about this. Snape wanted to go but a small part of his brain said it was a trick. Lupin will meet there with him and the moment Severus is in a vulnerable spot, James, Sirius and Peter would come out of the shadows and teach him a lesson Sirius wanted to show when he runned after Lily.

On the other hand, Severus had nothing left to lose. If lupin was going to prank him, it would be their last anyway.

Severus wrote a quick note back, not really taking the effort to even write his name. A simple: See you then would be enough. He watched as the owl flew back out of the window it came in and he closed it. Severus noticed how tired he was and took a sleeping draught potion from his collection hidden from the rest. He carefully examined it before taking the top of and downing it in his throat. He had made it himself in the potions classroom and Slughorn even congratulated him for making it so perfect.

The sleep took over faster than he thought and before he knew it, Severus blacked out.