The light within -Snupin-

Chapter 28

He was still rather confused about what exactly happened. He had walked away from Remus after those Gryffindors made comments about them but it made him wonder what they were talking about. He hadn't had long to ponder alone. He had found a private place somewhere else where he could draw in peace as he thought about it but soon it was time for dinner.

He was dreading dinner but he came anyway. The Slytherin's were nice enough. It's not as if he was beaten every day as the Marauders did to him before Remus had put a sort of stop to it. It was awfully quiet when he walked through the corridors to dinner. Not because there weren't many students but because they seemed to stare at him. He was used to it by now but this was more severe than he remembered. Perhaps the Christmas break really took a toll on him and he forgot what it felt like to be watched by everyone, to be the centre of mockery.

He ignored it, keeping his head low and eyes cast toward the stone floor as he went to the Great Hall. He was aware of every movement he made, every step. He felt the bag against his hip with each step, the way his knees would occasionally nearly give up as if they were too exhausted to walk properly while in reality, he knew it was due to the fact that he couldn't seem to function properly under the eyes of others. He always had trouble with that, always managed to stumble over his own feet just when others looked at him.

He made his awkward walk to the Slytherin table and laughter and talking stopped when he came in. It didn't stop completely but Severus now really knew something was going on, something he had missed in the time he was gone. He cleared his throat and seated himself at the table, the left place empty and the right occupied by Avery. He wasn't that bad, but everyone knew he was soon going to join the Dark Lord's side with Lucius and a few others. 

They talked openly about it in the Slytherin common room so it wasn't hard to figure out who was on who's side. Severus merely pretended he agreed with their thoughts because trouble would arise if he didn't. They'd be tormented. He remembered his own time when he just arrived, first year, without any clue who the Dark Lord was. He found out in a not so pleasant way.

It was when a group of older students were talking about it in the common room, Lucius and Avery included. They hadn't mentioned Voldemort but had a discussion about Purebloods, values and Mudbloods. He knew what that word meant and had the audacity to point out that it shouldn't be used and that it was an insult. He was still friends with Lily, who was called that once by someone from Slytherin.

Lucius had turned around with a smirk on his face and invited Severus into their circle. They were nice to him and Severus didn't understand what they were doing. They got drunk and the night was blurry but he remembered the lesson he learned. He remembered throwing up from the alcohol, how they forced him to lick it from the ground, how they punched him and sent him to bed with blood on his clothes and vomit sticking to his chin and face. He had to visit Pomfrey the next morning because of the illness he managed to catch from eating his own vomit and the mild infection he got from one of the wounds on his body. 

Pomfrey had looked at him with concern in her eyes while she fixed him up and it went so far that she even gave him the password to her private quarters if she was ever needed. He never went, though, and she never mentioned it again. So he had learned how to keep low and watched when other first years were tormented instead.

Now, he forced himself to eat the dinner in front of him as he kept his ears open for any clues on what happened. He frequently heard his name come by, even Remus' once or twice. Eventually, he couldn't bear not knowing and tapped Avery on his shoulder who turned around to face him with a frown. They normally didn't talk but they were on the same page.

"What's going on?" He asked, confused. Avery snorted, elbowing the unknown guy next to him.

"You hear that? He doesn't know what's going on." Severus rolled his eyes, annoyed that they couldn't even answer a simple question. The other boy laughed and Avery turned back to him.

"Sorry, Sevy, but your secret is out. It seems that Lupin was asked by the Headmaster to spy on you to see if you have the Dark Mark. There goes your lover," He cooed. A few others started listening to the conversation as well and they snickered at the confused expression Severus had. 

What were they talking about? The Dark Mark? Why- was Lupin asked to get close to him by Dumbledore? His breathing came out erratic and all kinds of theories roamed through his head. His vision began to blur and tears were prickling in his eyes. Remus was asked to do this. Remus doesn't like him. Remus only did everything he did for Dumbledore. He hates him. He made a mockery out of him once again, just when Severus started to trust him.

He abruptly stood up and pulled the left sleeve of his robe down, aware of what everyone around him was thinking. They thought he was the Dark Lord's servant. Remus hates him, they all hate him. He scanned his surroundings, all eyes on him and meanwhile the staff did nothing to stop it. It was Dumbledore's idea after all, what did he expect? He raised his eyes to the table and noticed they were staring at him as well. Dumbledore with sparkly eyes, Mcgonoggal with concern flashing in front of her and Pomfrey nearly breaking out in crying.

Severus felt as if he couldn't think clearly anymore, couldn't walk straight. He grabbed his bag and marched to the exit without looking up.

"Snivelly," Several from the Gryffindor table yelled. That's when he broke off in a run, ignoring the comments being shouted in the Great Hall, ignoring Dumbledore's powerful voice saying that they needed to settle down.

Tears were streaming down his face by the time he was out of his breath, still running through the corridors. He went to the common room, yelled the password in agony, making some of the paintings look up in irritation and annoyance at being disturbed. He ran to his dorm room and rummaged through his suitcase until he found what he was looking for. 

He held the sharp blade up in the light and wept tears of happiness. All he felt was peace and anticipation when he stared at the blade. This was going to be his last time to cut himself. He sagged down onto the floor and set the blade down on his wrist that was littered with old and new cuts, scars and cigarette burns. He took a shaky breath and sliced it through his skin, wincing with pain. He deserved it after all. But he wasn't going to end it this way. He was going to end it in the way he always thought he would. He was going to end it like that night when Remus saved him, the Astronomy Tower. 

A/N: Noo! Because I'm so freaking excited for the next chapter. I was waiting for this moment since forever and it finally arrived. Be prepared for angst!