Ness as Parents- New Girl Fanfiction

Ya Ninny

Jess trudges to her car in the faculty parking lot of Banyan Canyon, carrying her third cup of coffee. She's about to get inside, when she hears a scream.
"PJ?!?" She hears, and turns around, startled.
"Principal Jess!!" The girls exclaim, and Jess grins.
"Amber, Patricia, Olivia, It's so nice to see you!" Jess hugs them, smiling. "How are you guys? You look so grown up!"
"We're good!" Amber smiles.
"I can't believe you still teach here!" Olivia adds.
   "Yeah, well I switched around a little bit after an... incident, but after some lawsuits got settled, I came back here," Jess explains.
"I'm surprised we ran into you!" Patricia hugs Jess back. "We were just walking by when we- OH MY GOD IT'S NICK MILLER."
The girls scream, and Jess whirls around.
"Nick! What are you doing here?" Jess asks him, her ears ringing.
"Oh my god, you're still friends with him??" Amber exclaims, slightly hiding behind her hand.
Jess laughs, "You could say that." She flashes her wedding ring to them.
"WAIT- IS THAT- OH MY GOD," the girls scream.
"Hey, we've met before, right? You used to be my wife's students?" Nick smiles at the girls.
"You remember us?!"
"Ahhhhh wife I can't believe it."
"Oh my god, oh my god."
"Of course I remember, your ideas were amazing!" Nick compliments.
Olivia looks like she's about to faint, but stutters out a thank you.
"We've read all the new Pepperwoods! They just keep getting better!" Amber compliments.
"I'm glad you still like them," Nick smiles.
"Is there any way we can get any inside info on the next book?" Patricia begs, giggling.
"Well, I guess for my most loyal fans..." Nick begins, and the girls squeal.
"Pepperwood goes back into the snake chasm from book two," Nick relays with a grin.
"Oh my god!" Amber exclaims.
"I hope he's ok!" Olivia worries.
"So, you guys are Pepperwood and Jessica Knight, right?" Patricia leans in with eagerness.
"Yep," Nick squeezes Jess' hand.
"I love you guys so much omg," Amber gushes.
"It was so amazing when you went back for him in the Battle of Stalingale even though he had to lie about the sword not being his!!" Olivia chimes in, her eyes bright.
"Oh, uh, thanks?" Jess glances at Nick, and he shrugs, grinning.
***
"I like your Denise shirt." Ruth complements Schmidt.
"Wow, that is a really nice shade of Denise!" Jess notices.
"Thank you, I got it dry cleaned so the color wouldn't fade in our embarrassment of a washing machine," Schmidt scoffs.
"I can't believe you guys are still keeping that whole thing up," Cece comments, surprised.
"Keeping what whole thing up?" Schmidt asks Cece in confusion.
"You know! The Denise is green thing?" Cece exclaims, baffled.
"Oh my god, I didn't even realize! I guess the charade has been going for so long that I don't even notice it anymore," Schmidt explains.
"Eight years strong, baby!'' Jess cheers, and high fives Ruth.
"You know, I expected a lot worse from this whole thing," Schmidt gestures to Jess and Ruth.
"Hey, I'm the one who helped revise her Marrie Anne Petegridge Scholarship Essay, which in case you forgot, got 2nd place nationally," Jess reminds Schmidt haughtily.
"I know, I know, but from the nonsense you were feeding her at such a young age, I'm surprised she didn't turn into some sort of hippie wack job who makes homemade crayons using pristine coffee grinders!" Schmidt voice gets increasingly louder as he rants.
"Schmidt, that was like twenty years ago, get over it ya ninny!" Jess glares at him.
"Great, now you talk like Nicholas, what has the world become!" Schmidt throws up his hands dramatically.
"Woah, I do not talk like Nick!" Jess stares at Schmidt.
"Um, listen to yourself, honey," Cece turns to Jess. "You just called Schmidt a ninny."
"Nuh uh!" Jess denies.
"But the thing is, Nick's talking more like Jess now, too. It's like they're meeting in the middle," Schmidt notices. "You would think a writer and a teacher would have a similar vocabulary, but Nicholas here insists on talking like a coal miner from the '50s, and Jessica tries to prove that she's the smartest person in the world." Schmidt adjusts his tie and smirks.
"Please, I hate hyperbolic speak," Jess scoffs.
"Yeah, you suck, ya ninny," Nick glares at Schmidt.
"It's not a bad thing, Schmidt's being a little harsh. We've just noticed it, that's all," Cece tries to patch things up.
"Oh yeah, well we've noticed things too!" Nick declares smugly.
"We have?" Jess whispers to Nick. He gestures to the counter, and Jess continues, "I mean, yes, we have."
"Oh really, like what?" Cece raises her eyebrows.
"Schmidt left crumbs on the counter this morning!" Jess exclaims, after glancing at Nick for confirmation.
"And Cece tried to get Jacob to wear a suit to school," Nick adds.
"It was picture day! I wanted him to look nice!" Cece defends herself.
"But you practically forced it on him!" Jess retaliates.
"I think it's perfectly fine that you are all adopting some of each other's habits and phrases. I mean, you've been around each other every day for years and years, of course some things overlap!" Ruth, who had been standing there the whole time, interrupts the argument.
"I agree, but they started it," Jess responds.
"Classic Nick-" Schmidt starts, but stops when Cece glares at him.
"Ruth, that was some very impressive analysis and problem solving skills, nicely done!" Schmidt pats her on the back.
"Thanks Dad. It's pretty clear from the body language that everyone was just insecure about how they might have changed over time," Ruth adds on, and turns to leave.
"Wait, Ruth!" Jess calls out, and she faces back around. "You're really good at that!"
"At what?" Ruth asks.
"You know, analyzing body language, solving conflicts, coming to hypotheses. You know what would you would be great at? Being a therapist!" Jess grins.
"Huh?" Schmidt turns to Jess.
"Yeah! Haven't you noticed how good Ruth is at that kind of stuff?"
"I guess, but more in a future president kind of way," Schmidt crosses his arms.
"Schmidt! It's time to let Ruth choose what she wants to do, not just have you make all her decisions for her," Jess accuses, and Schmidt gasps.
"I do not make all her decisions for her!"
"Yes, you do!" Jess argues back.
"I agree, therapists are the worst," Nick buts in, and Jess looks at him, surprised.
"Nick! You're supposed to be on my side here! Don't you think Schmidt is too controlling?" Jess questions.
"Yeah, yeah, but that's not what I'm talking about. Ruth can do whatever, but therapists are super weird," Nick grimaces.
"What do you have against therapists, man? I've been trying to get you to see Nancy for so long!" Schmidt stares quizzically at him.
"They creep me out, listening to all your dark secrets," Nick says with a shudder.
"That's their job!" Schmidt rolls his eyes.
"If I got paid to have you spill the beans about are your personal info, would you do it??" Nick stares pointedly at Schmidt.
"No!" Schmidt stares at him.
"See?" Nick smiles cockily.
"Because you're not a therapist, Nick!"
"Well the only and last time I went to a therapist, she said my parents were likely getting a divorce, and that I needed to eat healthier if I wanted to preserve my kidneys,"
"Awww, honey," Jess squeezes his hand.
"What?" Nick stares at her.
"You know, what you- never mind," Jess shakes her head.
"I just thought of a game we could play, instead of Nick sharing his childhood sob stories," Schmidt buts in, and Jess glares at him, but listens.
"It's called... 'Who Said It: Nick Miller or Jessica Day?'" Schmidt flourishes his hands dramatically, and Cece tilts her head.
"How would that work?" She asks, skeptical.
"I'll write some phrases down for Ruth to read, and we have to guess if Nick or Jess said them, or neither," Schmidt explains.
"But where will you get the phrases from?" Jess asks.
"From memory!" Schmidt says like it's obvious.
"Huh?" Nick stares at him.
"Oh, so you're telling me you don't make note of what your friends say so you can remember it later?" Schmidt rolls his eyes.
"Um, no. That's super weird, Schmidt," Nick continues to stare at him.
"Whatever, let's just play," Schmidt scribbles on some post-its, and hands them to Ruth.
She clears her throat, and reads the first quote. "'It's just a bishop in a turtle neck.'"
Jess coughs, and covers her mouth. "Schmidt! I thought these would be kid friendly!"
"They are- ohhhh. Jessica Day, you dirty dog," Schmidt smirks, and Cece covers Ruth's ears.
"Ok, well we all know that was Jess, describing a.... I don't even know what else it could be, I'm just gonna drop it,"
Cece gives up and uncovers Ruth's ears.
"You know whenever you guys talk in the dining room I can hear you right? I've heard much worse, you guys do not keep it PG," Ruth stares pointedly at Nick and Schmidt.
"Not cool, man," Schmidt glares at Nick.
"Woah, she looked at you too!" Nick defends himself, and Jess makes eye contact with Cece, rolling her eyes.
"Ok, next one. 'I made up a dance so everyone will be happy!'" Ruth reads, laughing.
"Definitely know who that is," Schmidt declares, and Cece nods.
"I don't remember-" Jess starts, but Ruth shushes her.
"No hints! And no talking until everyone votes," Ruth warns, cutting Jess off. "Everyone has their answer? 3, 2, 1..."
"Jess," Schmidt immediately says.
"Jess!" Cece declares.
"Probably Jess," Nick adds.
Everyone turns to Jess. "Me I guess?" She says hesitantly, and looks to Ruth.
"Nope! That one was Nick," she informs, and everyone looks confused.
"Are you sure?" Nicks asks, still doubtful.
"Yep," Ruth confirms.
"Huh, I must have been drunk..." he shakes his head.
"The next one is, 'That's not an epiphany, it's just you actually using your brain for once.' Oooh, whoever said this is a savage," Ruth grins.
"Hmmm, sounds like Jessica, but also little harsh for Ms. Don't kill the bugs, they didn't do anything to you," Schmidt ponders.
"She might have been in a bad mood, we all know how she gets," Nick notes, but winces a Jess' glare.
"Maybe you left a pretzel in your guys' bed again," Cece accuses, and Jess high fives her.
"Ok, final decisions?" Ruth asks.
"I'm going to say Jess," Schmidt votes.
"I vote Nick," Cece disagrees.
"Ummm..." Nick thinks.
"Remember, it could also be neither of them," Ruth adds.
"Seriously? Now I have to choose between three options!" Nick groans. "I guess neither?"
"I think Nick, I feel like I would have remembered if I came up with that," Jess explains.
"The answer is... Nick!" Ruth reveals, and Nick looks up in surprise.
"Wow, that was pretty good, Past Me!" He compliments himself, grinning.
"It was good, I have to admit," Ruth acknowledges. "This one is, 'It's you and me, it's always been you and me.' Aw, that's cute."
"Hmm, that could be either of us," Jess says to Nick, and he smiles.
"But there've been more of mine, so it's probably you," Nick notices.
"Guys! The point is not to give away the answers!" Ruth exclaims, exasperated.
"Well I think it's Jess," Schmidt says.
"Me too," Cece adds.
"Same," Nick agrees.
"And I'll be the fourth in the train!" Jess exclaims, and Schmidt raises an eyebrow.
"So yes, I think it's me, too," Jess clarifies.
"Correct!" Ruth claps. "For extra points, can you guess when it was said?"
"That's not on the card!" Schmidt buts in, and Ruth rolls her eyes.
"Relax, Dad."
"I think is was our wedding? It might have been said multiple times though," Nick guesses, looking at Jess.
"I actually think it was the proposal!" Jess corrects, turning to Ruth. "Which one was it from?"
"I don't know, wasn't I, like, three?" Ruth shrugs, and Jess laughs.
"Well, I've got a way that we can know when it was said," Jess announces.
"How?" Nick asks.
Jess pulls him closer, "It's you and me, it's always been you and me."
"Awww," Cece grins.
"Blah, blah, blah, we all already know that, Jessica. Where's the artichoke dip, I'm hungry," Schmidt heads to the kitchen.