Ness as Parents- New Girl Fanfiction

Return of High Jess

"I have the perfect idea for what we should do when the kids have their play date with Ruth, Jacob, and Winston's kids!" Jess exclaims, coming into the room in a way that could only be described at sashaying.
"Why is everyone dropping their kids' off at Jaipur Aviv again?" Nick asks from the couch, munching on some popcorn.
"Schmidt and Cece owe us all a favor, remember?" Jess looks pointedly at Nick.
"Oh, right, the... incident," Nick grimaces as shakes his head.
"You'd think parenthood would have taught them, but I guess not," Jess chuckles. "Speaking of bad decisions, I still haven't told you my plan for today."
"Well, what is it?" Nick asks.
"Try to sound a little more enthusiastic Miller, I know you're gonna love this one," Jess pauses for dramatic effect. "Every 10 years, Jessica Day likes to partake in what the Native Americans call 'cannabis'."
"No way! Jessica, you have no idea how long I've been waiting for this!!" Nick grins excitedly.
"I do know actually, since Cece's chill day in bachelorette party," Jess giggles.
"Aka Schmidt's road trip bachelor party," Nick laughs. "I wonder if Schmidt still remembers getting beat up by that little boy."
"I wonder if Cece remembers going to and then escaping from mall jail for stealing a $1,200 bread maker..." Jess ponders.
"Wait, what?!" Nick stares at Jess in bewilderment.
"What can I say, High Jess is a whole different gal," Jess shrugs. "But, she did get Winston and Aly together, so..."
Nick shakes his head with a fond smile. "I still can't believe that's how they got together. But, to be fair, none of us got together in normal ways."
"True, Cece and Schmidt started by secretly hooking up behind all of our backs," Jess rolls her eyes affectionately.
"And they were on and off again for years until the sudden, but romantic, proposal," Nick adds.
"Again, which I helped with. Wait- I also helped with Winston and Aly's wedding. I am a love doctor!"
"You are, honey," Nick pats Jess' hand.
"And we weren't even officially together until our spontaneous trip to Mexico! Which was started when you kissed me in between our rooms," Jess grins.
"You still remember that?" Nick looks at Jess, surprised.
"Nick, are you serious? I'm never going to forget that as long as I live! To quote myself, I saw through space and time for a moment, but that's not the point." Jess giggles, and Nick beams at her.
"It was a pretty good kiss, wasn't it," Nick grins slyly. "To quote myself, it was the best kiss of your life!" Jess laughs and jokingly socks Nick in the arm.
        ***
Jess approaches Jaipur Aviv, with Reginald and Frances at her side.
"La Cucaracha!" She rings the doorbell, and jumps when it echoes from inside. "La Cucaracha, La Cucaracha, La Cucaracha, La Cucaracha, La Cucaracha, La Cucarach-" Jess repeatedly presses down on the button, laughing, but is interrupted when Cece opens the door.
"Jess, what are you doing?? We heard you the first time," Cece huffs at her. Jess stares at Cece, unblinking and serious, and Cece waves a hand in front of her face. "You there?"
"La Cuceracha," Jess quickly rings the doorbell again.
"Stop it!" Cece slaps Jess' hand away. "Do you need something?"
"I bestow the children on you," Jess bows and ushers Reggie and Frances forward.
"Bestow?" Cece raises an eyebrow.
"Yes m'lord," Jess bows again.
Cece beckons the kids inside, and pulls Jess aside into her office. "Jess, are you high?" She whispers.
"Who me?" Jess puts a hand to her chest, acting offended.
"Jess!" Cece hisses.
"Yes, you're right," Jess admits.
"You are high?" Cece confirms.
"No, I am Jess," Jess stares back at her, confused.
"Ugh!" Cece exhales a frustrated gust of air out her nostrils.
"Be careful, don't blow your buckets!" Jess warns her, and starts to laugh uncontrollably. Cece stares, unamused, as Jess cracks herself up.
"Is Nick going to be able to handle you like this?" Cece asks, as Jess rolls around on the floor.
"Oh Nick? Nicholas Miller? That ol' turkey bird?" Jess asks, rubbing her face on the carpet.
"Yes, Nick, your husband!" Cece exclaims, exasperated.
"Oh! You could have just said that, you silly billy," Jess gets up and pats Cece on the head. "Yes, my sex partner is also of thee nature."
"Shhh," Cece glances into the hallway. "So Nick is also high? Great," Cece rolls her eyes.
"Don't worry mama bear, I got this," Jess blows Cece a kiss, and promptly turns and rams into the wall.
"Smooth, Jess," Cece remarks sarcastically.
"My bad, that wasn't there before," Jess explains.
"Uh huh." Cece ushers Jess outside. "Let's get you out of here before the kids start asking questions like 'why is aunty Jess wearing a dog collar?'"
"Oh, that's where I left that!" Jess exclaims, and tries to get the collar into her mouth as she walks away.
        ***
"Heyyy Nick Nackkkkk I'm backkkkk," Jess sings loudly. "I am a rhyming queeeeeen."
Jess looks around, and exclaims, "Nick come hereeeeeee I wanna squeeze your face."
"Jess!" Nick comes in, looking shocked.
"What?" Jess asks, tilting her head.
"I found my pants!!" Nick points eagerly to his legs.
"Oh thank god, I was getting worried mister," Jess breathes a sigh of relief.
"You need not worryyyy 'bout ol' Nicky Miller." Nick grins cockily. "He's come a long way and he's not a little boy anymore oh no no no, he's... A MAN."
"Oh Nick..." Jess shakes her head. "You seem to have forgotten."
"What?" Nick asks, slightly offended.
"You're a turtle," Jess states simply. Nick stares at her in silence, then he bursts out laughing. Jess joins him, and they collapse onto the couch.
"Did you know turtles breathe out of their butts?" Jess tries to get Nick to stand up so she can inspect his butt.
"Woahhhh that's my no no square!" Nick exclaims.
"I'm your wife dummy, it's my goods," Jess insists defiantly.
"Nugget," Nick shakes his head in denial.
"What?" Jess is momentarily stunned, staring at him.
"I meant nugget. Nugget. Ugh! I meant nuh uh!" Nick corrects in frustration.
"Did you just get autocorrected in real life," Jess' eyes are wide.
"Yes," Nick replies.
"Woah. Wait. Woah. What if- what if someone is typing what we say, so if we mess up saying something... it's just them making a spelling mistake," Jess whispers, staring up at the ceiling. Nick stares at her, and they sit in silence, contemplating.
"I wanna donutttt," Jess sings, and abruptly stands up from the couch, before immediately falling over. "Oops I forgot you need to use your feet," she laughs. She heads into the kitchen, and Nick stumbles to his room, where he resumes petting his blazer collection.
"Bzzzz!" Nick's phone vibrates, and he fumbles for it.
"Siri, read message," Nick commands, holding his phone upside down and talking into the speaker.
"You have a new message from Jessica Day. 'For Nick dash urgent. I can't find any donuts exclamation point, exclamation point, exclamation point, question mark, question mark, exclamation point, upside down face, face blowing a kiss, serious face with monocle, frowning face, tooth, donut, donut, donut, fireman.'"
"Were r u?" Nick texts urgently.
"In the kitchen, where are you?" Jess texts back.
"In my room," Nick sends, then gets up to find Jess. When he gets to the kitchen, Jess is gone. Nick opens the cupboards and looks in the sink, but she's nowhere to be found.
"Jess. Where r u. From Nick," he texts, and waits for a response.
"I'm in your room, where are you?!" Jess sends back, and she gets up from Nick's bed and walks into the hallway.
"I'm in the kitchen!" Nick responds, and heads to his room.
"Ok, I'm coming to you," Jess texts, and Nick looks down at his phone.
"Crash!" Nick turns the corner and smacks into Jess.
"There you are, I've been looking all over for you!" He exclaims, laughing. He's about to grab her so he doesn't lose her again, when he glances up at her face.
"What the-" he exclaims, taking in the sight of blood streaming down her face. "Oh my god Jess, are you ok?" He feels an ache in his chest that he always feels when Jess is physically or emotionally hurt.
"I'm good, just a little nosebleed," Jess giggles.
"Jess, that's not just a little nosebleed! We need to get paper towels," Nick frantically ushers her into the kitchen, his head clear now.
"Aw, are you worried about me, Miller?" Jess coos, still delirious.
"Yes! You are bleeding all over your shirt!" Nick exclaims, searching for paper towels. "Ugh, we're out!"
"Nuts!" Jess says, still giggling. Nick drags her into the bathroom, and grimaces before using a towel to sop up the blood.
"You're going to yell at me for this later..." He says and he wipes Jess' face with the towel.
"Oh Nicky, I could never be mad at you! You're my little sweetie pie," Jess reaches out to squeeze Nick's cheeks.
"Uh huh. Lets see, has the bleeding stopped?" Nick checks underneath the towel. "I think so, lets sit you down." He guides Jess to the couch, before going back to the bathroom to get an ice pack. "Looks like you also have a nasty bruise forming on your cheek, did I really bump into you that hard?" Nick frowns with guilt.
"We have a problem," Jess declares.
"What is it?" Nick asks, worried.
"I can't hold the ice pack cause my arms became noodles," Jess explains seriously.
"I got you," Nick laughs, and holds the ice pack to Jess' cheek. She snuggles into the crook of his arm, and he smiles, gazing at her.
"Thanks, Nicholas, you always make me feel better." Jess looks up at him, her eyes half closed drowsily.
"You're welcome, but this is coming from the guy who is the reason you were hurt in the first place," Nick chuckles softly.
"I know," Jess replies, and lays her head back down on his arm.