Failed Mission

The Reason

"W-what?" I stammered, barely managing to get the singular word out of my mouth. What he said sent me into a frenzy, my heart slamming harshly against my rib cage. He remembered and suddenly, I wasn't sure if I wanted to know why because I was scared I'd see him as a monster again. I didn't want to be back to square one.

"I remember." He repeated, staring at me intensely. The trauma was swimming in the blue of his eyes and my stomach latched it's fists around my intestines, squeezing it tightly and I was short of breath from the intense feeling. "Come on." His voice rang in my ears as he swiftly stood up, pushing himself off of the harsh concrete we were sitting on.

I imitated his movements, starting to dusting myself off but I didn't have the time because I felt a hand latch around my wrist tightly. Bucky dragged me down the streets of the city and pulled me into a rather small and tiny alleyway- the flashbacks of my first experience with the copycat soldier throwing me around like a doll ravaged my mind and I pulled my wrist away from Bucky's harsh group, placing my palms against my eyes. I shook my head, rubbing my eyes gently to get rid of the horrible image.

Once it was erased completely, my small hands dropped back down at my sides. However, they didn't remain still; they fidgeted and my fingers began to curl and twist around due to major anxiety.

"So..." I hesitated now, moving my arms up and crossing them over my chest in an attempt to keep my hands like statues. "W-Why was I on your um... hit list?" My brain struggled to form words as I stared at the visibly uncomfortable man in front of me.

It sunk in that I wasn't the only one struggling but Bucky was too and a pit of guilt squelched around within my core. He was leaned up against the alleyway wall which looked way too moist for a dry night, his arms shoved harshly in his pockets with his shoulders raised up and hunched forward- it looked like he was ready to be attacked.

"Your family dates back to electrokinesis. The ability has soared through all of the generations and it's obviously the... ability to manipulate and control electricity." Bucky began, taking it slow. The words he released were in shaky tones and I could instantly tell he was nervous. He looked scared too, the fear flashing against his ghostly features quickly before disappearing.

"HYDRA found out about it and they asked your parents to join them. They believed that having someone who could manipulate electricity would boost their strength and give them more power. But, your family disagreed not wanting to fall in with them." He paused for a moment, his brows furrowing as he studied my face.

I wasn't sure what my face was showing but I know what I felt and that was a mixture of emotions...

Relief.
Nausea.
Anger.
Sadness.
Fear.

It began to crush me from the inside out, wanting to break me in half but I pushed the strong feelings away, staying silent to let him finish his explanation. "Obviously HYDRA wasn't impressed and because they didn't get what they wanted..." A nervous exhale left his nostrils and his hand moved up, rubbing the back of his neck slowly, "They wanted me to kill you and your parents." He took a step towards me and instantly I took a step back, unsure on how to react.

Do I yell? Cry? Scream?
Do I hit him?

Bucky noticed my step back and he sighed, "(y/n), that wasn't me back then. I didn't have a choice and I wouldn't purposely hurt you now. Ever. I'm sorry." I heard his voice crack a little bit at the end and he avoided meeting my gaze now, staring out of the alleyway. I could sense the genuine sadness seeping out of his pores

Tears threatened to scroll down my cheeks and I blinked them away quickly before finding the courage to say my words, "Thank you. For being honest about remembering and telling me. I-" My voice trailed off and I outstretched my hand once more, ready to touch his arm but I curled my fingers into a fist and yanked my hand back. "Thank you for giving me my closure." I whispered, not knowing what else to say.

Bucky didn't respond, all he did was stare into nothing. His jaw was clenched and I thought for a moment I saw his eyes pool with tears but they were gone almost immediately. It was hard on him just as it was on me- especially when he had to face someone who dressed exactly like him and had the same morals as him back when he was a raging lunatic.

I couldn't imagine how it felt, looking at someone and seeing nothing but a former version of yourself that was merciless.

"Let's get you home." Bucky's shaky tone broke me out of my trance and I came crashing back down to the reality around us.

"Yeah, sure. That sounds great." I nodded in agreement, smiling slightly at him but we both know the smile I had on my face was a fake one.

As we departed from the alleyway and walked back to his apartment so I could drive home, I couldn't help but wonder what would have happened in that bar if Bucky didn't remember. My eyes found themselves glancing up at him for a bit too long, taking in the details of his face; the way his jaw clenched when he felt tense or angry, the light stubble that roughened up his pale complexion.

I pulled away from the gaze, breaking the spell that was held over me and I focused on the cities surroundings in front of us which wasn't that exciting. All it was, was bland.

"Thanks for not attacking me."

That was all Bucky said before the rest of our walk was instilled with intense silence being shared around the two of us.