All Things Considered [🗸]

11. breaking free

I EXHALE LOUDLY.

Thalia's legs are resting on the opposite edge of the couch, mine placed onto the back of the couch, feet crossed. She's browsing through Netflix, and her eyes flicker to me, a blank expression taking over her face.

When I don't say anything more, she rolls her eyes and returns her gaze to the TV. My fingers pick at the velvet of the couch. It's archaic and a pale shade of green. The velvet's smooth to run your hands over.

Mom had seen it at a garage sale two summers ago and had fell in love with it. Mama thought it was ugly as fuck. They ended up lugging it into our house anyway. 

I exhale again. Thalia side-eyes me. My fingers are wrapped around my phone and all I can think about is the pungent thought that's running through my mind. 

Senior year has been well-kicked off and all I can think about is how much better it's felt to get ice cream after school with Ainsley and Maia. No second-doubts, no overanalyzing. Most importantly, no more Greek fucking yogurt.

When Cayden had suggested a break two weeks ago, it never dawned on me exactly how a break would feel. I wasn't sure whether I'd be anxious or weighed-down. I wasn't sure how I was going to cope. 

But I didn't just cope without him. I was able to breathe. And yeah, there've been moments when I get too lost in my thoughts or I glance at him for more than half a second. But largely, it's been okay. Better than okay. Better than I've felt in a long time.

Scrolling through my phone, I exhale my loudest exhale, eyes flicking up to Thalia. 

She sets the remote down onto her lap and turns toward me, eyes narrowing. "Alright. What's that about?"

My eyes meet hers. Finally. Asshole. "I think I've gotta do something."

"Which is?" Thalia asks, pulling her braids back into a ponytail, eyes still slightly squinted.

It's strange how I've seen this scene in my head more than once. Every single time, I unfailingly had a clear-cut response. Now that the question has actually been posed to me, my mind runs through everything over and over again. Where do I start?

I start slowly. "Before the break, I felt like I was always doing something wrong when it came to Cayden." There it is. 

Thalia nods, humming to herself. She leans back in her seat, arms crossing over her chest. "Proceed."

"I kept on thinking that I was a shitty boyfriend," I say, hands running through my curls. "Like I would never be fucking good enough." I exhale. "Things were pretty shitty between Cayden and I, so we took a break. It was supposed to be for about two weeks."

I lean back into the chair. "Any day now, we're supposed to just resume like we're boyfriends again. Everything's supposed to go 'back to normal.' But I don't know if I want to. I feel okay right now, you know?"