All Things Considered [🗸]

27. divide

I HAVEN'T TALKED TO PAXTON in days.

I can't say that I'm angry at him for not knowing if he feels the same way I do. Sure, it hurts, but primarily, I'm angry at the fact that he knows how much all the little things mean to me, yet still decided to downplay them and say insensitive shit throughout.

That being said, I would never blame him for being hesitant. Rushing into a relationship was exactly what got him into an abusive situation with Devin. At least with Cayden, we didn't rush into a relationship— I just eventually grew tired of Cayden not giving a fuck about my feelings. 

I don't want Paxton to get into a relationship he's not ready for, especially given his history of doing so. After all, pressuring was exactly what Devin did to Paxton that made life so difficult for him.

However, Paxton's asshole defensive mechanism still hurt big time. 

My back sinks into the pale mattress of a bed. Throughout most of the school day today, I managed to get through classes without having to interact with Paxton. I could see Paxton glance at me more often than not, but he always glanced away shortly after.

I exhale again, holding Ainsley's  plush unicorn to my chest. I've been like this for hours. I would consider it pathetic, but seeing that I'm avoiding Paxton and haven't talked to a lot of people today— I don't have much else to do at this moment in time.

No sooner have my eyes fluttered shut has the door of my room been pushed open, Ainsley bursting through in a fitted sundress, her hair in two curly space buns. As usual, she looks absolutely fucking adorable.

She narrows her eyes at me. "You've deadass been moping in my room all afternoon."

"Yeah," I say, still holding the unicorn to my chest, "and what about it?"

Ainsley lightly rolls her eyes before she makes her way over to the bed and flicks my forehead. "Scooch over."

Halfheartedly, I do, and Ainsley settles down next to me. She stares at me for a few moments before asking, "check in?"

I let out a slow gust of air. "Fine. You first."

"Well," Ainsley starts, leaning against her headboard next to me. "Lunch with Maia's parents went okay!"

Esteban and I had followed Maia and Ainsley to Maia's place for the lunch, but we'd essentially stuck around in the car, airdropping random videos to each other, but there in case we were needed.

Ainsley continues. "Maia's mom's a literal angel and her dad was okay." She tilts her head to the side. "He wasn't as bad as I thought he would be, but he still has some reservations, I think. Kind of like Uncle Paul."

I nod. Esteban and I are all too familiar with Ainsley's uncle. He's the type of person that won't misgender someone, but always has awkward moments where he'll say the wrong thing. He's the type of person to accept who Ainsley is, but he doesn't necessarily embrace it, if that makes any sense.