DERANGER - SEULRENE

015

it feels good to see seulgi back in your class.

unlike before--when you feel slightly awkward knowing she's in the audience eyeing you the whole time--you are more relaxed this time around.

you think developing that level of comfort is inevitable, considering you've slept with her. but unlike the typical hook-ups only lasting one session, yours is starting to blossom into friendship.

the idea makes you feel somewhat... giddy.

no. you're not, in any way, expecting your relationship to escalate romantically.

no. that's... absurd.

you're only loving the new experiences you're getting from her. you never thought stepping out of your comfort zone--moral zone--would make you feel this fulfilled, like for the first time in your life, you feel like you're finally living your own life.

you don't like to blame it on anyone. but you know that growing up in a religious household had greatly influenced how you view life in general.

at a very young age, you were taught that obeying your parents will do you good. combine it with your increasing urge to be like your unni, you thought doing everything she does or whatever your folks wanted would reward you the same love and affection your parents shower her.

so you followed them all the way, to the point you don't know how to decide for yourself anymore, to the point you're losing your sense of self.

it got worse when your brother was born. you were fourteen then. at that time, you were starting to feel more conflicted about yourself, feeling weirded out that you're not finding your male peers attractive like how your female peers do.

it's a problem you didn't voice out because your priority was to please your parents and get at least a portion of their attention now that you have another competition in the family.

you couldn't tell them you're not attracted to boys. you couldn't tell them you feel more comfortable around girls your age, that the simple touches and skinship from your pretty friends makes your heart flutter in so many ways.

you couldn't tell anyone either, because you know they will judge you.

so, you keep it to yourself, thinking that everything will be okay as long as you play the good daughter role.

donghae was the very first male figure you felt attracted to. no, he didn't give you the same feelings as how you feel with your secret girl crushes. but having him around distracts you from those immoral thoughts.

and since your parents think he's a nice boy, you agreed to date him.

he was a sweet boyfriend, a good friend, and a charming person in general. he convinced you that having a boyfriend isn't as bad as you thought it would be.

so, you gave in, thinking you're doing the right thing. the first kisses were awkward. no butterflies in your stomach. but you eventually got used to it. you've learned to care for him genuinely along the way.

on your first night together, donghae had you watch several porn films to the point you got so aroused you couldn't say no anymore. you don't remember if you enjoyed it the first time, but the succeeding ones felt good. so, why not?

you didn't stop noticing girls at church, school, or even work. but having donghae around helped in maintaining your sanity--your morality.

whenever you feel sadness taking over from your frustration of not having a relationship with someone you really like, you turn to donghae, and he always manages to make you feel alright again.