{KilluGon OneShots}

15. {no matter what....}

~TW: {self-harm, death , nightmares, descriptions of blood and gore }~ this is a panic attack Killua au. (btw none of them die in the end im not that cruel)

~Killua and Gon are dating~

3rd person p.o.v

Killua sat in the empty hallway. Gon promised he would always be by his side. No matter what. And now, he broke his promise. How could he? Gon hurt him so much and didn't even say sorry. Killua didn't have a reason to live anymore.

Slowly taking the knife he had in his pocket he started to cut his wrist. But something was wrong. It didn't hurt. He went deeper and more rough, but strangely, no pain at all. His heart beat quickened in rising panic and he went so quick his hand was now cut off. As he stared at it laying lifelessly on the ground, he still felt no pain. What was wrong? He felt more and more faint staring at the single hand and he was getting frustrated with each second. Tears spilled out of his icy blue eyes and he let them fall to the ground. He then lifted up the knife and plugged it into his heart and closed his eyes expecting to lose consciousness. 

But he felt nothing. 

Absolutely nothing.

He looked down and pulled out the knife, now dripping in blood. He saw a hole in his chest and blood staining the shirt, leaking to the ground. But he wasn't dying or feeling pain. The fear that built inside him kept growing. Why couldn't he just die? Then Killua heard a voice behind him softly saying, "Why?"

He turned around and saw him. Gon was standing there. But how? 

"Why Killua? You should wait to go away, not send yourself forcefully." 

"I-..." Killua looked at Gon about to say something but broke down in loud, painful sobs. 

"I'm so sorry Gon! But there's no stupid reason for me to live anymore!"

"You know I'm still watching over you, I never meant for this to happen but I still love you." 

"But that doesn't fucking matter to me if you're not alive and well! I know I should move on but you were the only reason I lived! You were always the reason..."

"I- I'm so disappointed in you Killua..."

"You aren't real, Gon. You aren't alive. Please.....just go away." Killua took up the knife again.

"Why?"

"Because you aren't fucking real, I said!" He yelled and broke down sobbing again. he looked back and Gon was gone. He grabbed ahold of the knife better and stabbed himself again, this time a little  below his heart. Again no pain. He tried again. And again. And-

Killua shot up in his bed breathing heavily and sweating all over. He let tears fall out off his face into the covers and sobbed quietly into his hands. Lately he's been having different nightmares but in every single one of them he had lost Gon, his one fear. They had been bothering him this last week but he made the mistake of keeping it a secret and this nightmare, was the worst one so far. 

He tried to calm himself down taking deep, shaky breaths. But this time each breath got shallower. Ohnononono please not now. Anything but right now. Killua sensed a panic attack but he really didn't want to wake up Gon. Pleasepleaseiswearnotnnowplease- 

His heart sped up and he was breathing very heavily now and shaking. He grabbed onto the covers tighter and tried to calm down but he was already to far in to deal with this by himself. He felt so helpless and lonely he just screamed in response to his body.

"K-killua? What's wrong??" Gon said, waking up. But when he noticed him shaking that alone woke him up fully. 

"Oh my God! Killua why didn't you wake me up before??!" A million different thoughts rushed through Gon's head. Was the panic attack from a nightmare? If it was, what was it about? Why didn't he wake me sooner?... 

Killua didn't respond anymore. He couldn't make out words at this point. He sat there with his hand on his heart breathing very heavily and tears running down his cheeks. 

Gon pushed his thoughts away and focused on Killua. "Ok, Killua I need you to look at me."

Killua didn't lift up his head. 

Now it was at a point where it was getting dangerous. If Killua didn't cooperate, this could end really bad.

"Killua, I love you so much, but you need to look at me, please."

Killua raised his head up and Gon saw that his bright blue eyes were filled with tears. 

"Killua, take a deep breath and hold until I tell you to let go." 

Killua inhaled shakily and held his breath for a few seconds and then Gon instructed him to let go. 

"Now do that 5 more times."

Killua did what he was told and after his breathing, still slightly irregular, calmed down. 

"Now look at me and try to think of one thing you like about me. Don't tell me was it is just think about it okay?"

Killua nodded and looked at him, still sniffling and slightly trembling.

"Have you thought of a thing?"

Killua nodded again fidgeting with his hands. Gon noticed right away and took Killua's hands in his and stroked them. Killua looked away.

"Killua please keep looking at me okay?"

Killua nodded once again and looked back at Gon this time saying,

"Gon, I-...I'm sorry..."

Gon looked at his confused and then switched to a determined and slightly frustrated face. "Killua? I love you. Engrave into your brain and never ever ever forget that. I'm not going anywhere. I don't know how that attack happened, or why, but just so you know you're a blessing. You keep me alive. Just like I keep you alive. I need you and you need me. Don't apologize ever again for that. You're a gift, and panic attacks are so small compared to you. I love you."

Tears streamed down Killua's face and he leaned his face onto Gon's shoulder, sobbing. Gon wrapped his arms around him and gently smiled.

"Thank you, Gon. I love you too."

Gon just kissed his forehead and said, "Are you ready go to bed?"

Killua nodded and they both fell back into the covers, Killua snuggling into Gon's chest and Gon stroking his hair.

~I think this was my longest one.... hope it was ok! 

~I think im going to make next one kinda fluff-angst mixed cause I had this one idea that Killua overhears Gon say "I could never like him" when Gon's actually talking about another guy and Killuas mad like all day ~